Feeling reassured

Today I saw Thuy's email, talked with my friends Lidia and Jen, and talked with Andrew online. Things are slowly starting to fall into place. I'm meeting Andrew Saturday morning at Dundas Station area's Pickle Barrel for brunch.

It's going to be a casual, fun meeting. I'm going to talk about normal stuff first, then near the end of the brunch meeting I'm going to tell him how I feel, and leave the decision up to him, I'm not going to expect a relationship out of it, even though I want one.

I'm going to make it clear to Andrew that I want to just stay friends, unless God reveals to him one day that we should be more than that. I'm feeling positive now, not nervous.

Thanks for all the support, everyone!

Sorry, have to talk about Andrew again.

My sister gave me a "tip" for talking to Andrew. She said that it would be good if we took a walk somewhere to talk, instead of sitting down to talk, because it would feel more natural, less awkward in times of silence, and also you are walking so you are exercising so it makes your heart pump which can be mistaken for heart pumping due to love (it's a psychology thing).

So this led me to ask Andrew if he wanted to take a walk somewhere to talk, like a park or something. He hasn't replied since Friday and I'm wondering if I scared him away with this proposition.

I'm starting to think about whether I'm rushing things, like maybe I really should have waited until December or even later. I don't know. Maybe I really should have gotten to know him even better before deciding to tell him. I don't know.

I have a whole list of things that I want in a future husband. And to be honest, I'm starting to have doubts about whether Andrew fits those criteria. Because I never really did get to ask him whether he liked to travel (well he does like to travel to Toronto a lot) or whether he would want kids, or whether he enjoys missions (actually I think he does, otherwise he wouldn't be evangelism coordinator at his church), stuff like that. Stuff that I wouldn't be able to know anyway since I talk to him so little.

But then again, part of me likes Andrew a lot and wouldn't mind if he didn't like to travel or whatever, because from what I DO know about him, I know he's a great person, and I know I would still be good with him. :) At least, that's what I think. We both have a heart for God, we both like to speak French, we both like to serve God, play guitar, sing, hang out... and he's patient, understanding, kind, a gentleman, hardworking, and accepting. That's what matters to me.

Things to be thankful for

I originally wanted to come on this blog to complain about how heavy and thick my new glasses are, but instead I think I should just be thankful for what I have.

Currently there is a huge famine going on in Somalia. I am thankful that I have food.

There was a recent flood in Seoul. I am thankful that I am safe and dry.

Even if Andrew never ends up meeting with me, I am still thankful that I have him as a friend.

Although I just came back from a very stressful retreat (taking care of kids), I am thankful that there was at least one kid who had fun, and seeing those kids smile just made my day's troubles melt away.

Although I have super heavy glasses, at least I can see.

I have friends and family, I am safe, I am well-rested. What more can I ask for?

Obsession, Longing, and Looking Forward...

I've become obsessed with this song. I sang it, I listened to it, at least 100 times by now (or nearing 100 times). I feel that it kind of describes how I feel about Adrian, in a way, even though not all the lyrics match the situation. But for sure, I still wish the best for Adrian.

I got a text from him this morning, actually. I had texted him first, asking him how he is, telling him that I am still thinking of him and praying for him. It's like an old chapter of my life is starting to close (the chapter with Adrian in it) and another chapter seems to be opening (Andrew).

Adrian gave me a vague idea about how his life is going, telling me that he's doing ok. That there are big changes ahead for him (what changes? I don't know), and that August will be a busy month for him. He also said that he still doesn't know how to talk to me (understandable)

Part of me wants to email him and update him on how I'm doing, what new things have been happening, tell him about how I'm going into Tyndale now and starting a new internship, stuff like that. I obviously wouldn't tell him about Andrew unless he was totally over me and won't ever think of being with me again though.

See, that's what's preventing me from emailing Adrian. I want him to completely get over me. If I email him, what's the use? It will just stir up old feelings when what he needs is to be healed.

Plus, I'm afraid for myself too. What if I start having feelings for Adrian again? I just started this "new journey" with Andrew and I'm like one week away from telling Andrew I love him. If I throw Adrian back into the mix, I'm going to be in a mess.

I've been trying to figure out what really went on between me and Adrian for a while now because I'm thinking what if Andrew asks me. Cuz what happened was that I started liking Andrew while I was still with Adrian. I met Andrew last year in June, and I broke up with Adrian in the following month,July.

Adrian told me over the phone after we broke up that he thinks that I never was in love with him, but that I just convinced myself that I was. Selena also said to me that I loved Adrian but I was not IN love with him. It was shown through how every time I went on missions or a trip away from Toronto, I never missed him, but he missed me like crazy.

When I first decided to go out with Adrian, I was longing for him because he had broken off our friendship. So maybe to save the friendship, I accepted to go out with him, convincing myself that I loved him more than a friend.

But then the question is, why did I sleep with him if I wasn't in love with him? Now that is digging into a deeper issue. Was it because of my lust? Was it because I wanted to please him? Probably both. And maybe I had convinced myself so much that I was in love with him that I decided it was okay.

But now back to Andrew. I don't know if he will think I am shallow or something, since while I was still with Adrian, I wasn't "loyal" to Adrian since i started liking Andrew before I broke up with him. You know, I did try to be loyal to Adrian, though. I kept on trying to push away my feelings for Andrew.

But after I broke up with Adrian, I became obsessed with Andrew. I also became just the kind of girl that throws herself at other guys. That's what happened with Sam, Caleb, Mike, and all the other guys I had a crush on after I broke up with Adrian.

But Andrew was the one that I always came back to. The one that I thought I had no hope of being with, so I kept on pushing the feelings away, the feelings that just ended up coming back anyways.

well, we'll see where this thing ends up I guess...

ONE MORE WEEK and I am going to tell Andrew!!!! (if all goes well!!!)

And here's a song that describes a bit of what I feel about Andrew...

Things Andrew looks for in a potential spouse

(not in any particular order)

-puts family as a priority
-is a nice person
-serves without having to be asked
-not clingy
-is goal-oriented, knows what she wants
-"there is probably more but I can't think of it right now"

Sigh!

Inspiring Quote

"I do not believe that one can earnestly seek and find the priceless treasure of God's call without a devout prayer life." "That is where God speaks.
The purpose of prayer and of God's call in your life is not to make you number one in the world's eyes, but to make him number one in your life."
We must be willing to be outshone while shining for God. "We hear very little about being smaller in our own self-estimate."

"There is no pattern without the cross. There is no Good News without it. That is what the gospel is all about."

— Ravi Zacharias

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And some reminders from my softball governing leader:

Leaders should be:

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Humble ~ Daniel 2:30
*
Serving even at the expense of dignity ~ John 13:5
*
willing or desire to lighten the load of those being served/led ~ Matthew 11:27-29
*
Hard workers ~ I Timothy 5:17 —
*
Absent of arrogance ~ I Peter 5:3
*
SHOW HUMILITY ~ Matthew 18:1-4 and 20:20-28

Glad :)

Today I woke up early in the morning by myself with no alarm and spent time listening to Christian music and readiing the Bible. I felt really glad afterwards that I could focus. I think I will be getting close to God again. thanks God.