Empty Chair #2

I'm a very confused person. Looking back at Empty Chair #1, I see how at that moment, I just wanted to let out all my frustration, and it helped, it definitely did. But because the empty chair could not respond back, it was hard to see the other person's side of the story.

Today I read his blog (he finally posted something after so long, and yes, I used to obsessively check his blog but I managed to stop checking it so much, in fact, I checked less and less, and I thought today I would succeed in not checking, but as you can tell, I did).

Part of me really wants to know what he thought of my goodbye letters. Was he encouraged? Was he upset? was he sad? Was he mad? Did he misunderstand?

His blog doesn't reveal anything. And it's a bit sad that I won't be going to Cuba this Christmas. Not even to Montreal. I'm gonna be stuck in Toronto, and with 3 weeks of vacation from school I want to work and make money but it's hard to find a job that lasts only for 3 weeks, even retail.

So before I get back to studying I have to speak to Empty Chair #2. I find it hard to focus when I have stuff on my heart...

Hey ******** (name again censored, but basically it's the same name as last time)...

I still think about you once in a while. I don't see you the same. I think I managed to fall out of love with you. But in terms of brotherly love, I think although I was so mad at you last time (God forbid that you read Empty Chair #1 cuz although I blocked you from my blog, who knows if blogspot has glitches)

You mentioned on your blog that "Sometimes we learn that our significant other has had a change of heart. This knowledge does nothing but to cause pain." I wonder if you were referring to me. I really don't know. Do you really think I had a change of heart? Well, I guess I did, in a way. I had to, anyway.

Or maybe it's a change of heart for the better? Sigh.

I'm sorry for blaming you for making me fail my midterms. It's probably my own lack of self-control, I mean I could hav been like you, focused on studies better and not place my "significant other" on such a high priority list. Maybe I was idolizing you? It could be part of the reason God took you away.

I'm sorry for hating on your friend Ken. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. I just felt so frustrated talking to him. I still don't know when I can meet with him.

Life without you is a lot calmer, and it's not cuz you were annoying or anything, it's just my mindset... I feel more free, more able to concentrate. Thanks for setting me free? I donno.

As you can tell, I'm always confused. Always emotions going back and forth.

As you can also tell, I'm trying to run as far as I can away from you. I blocked you from everything. I deleted your phone numbers. I deleted your pictures... it's an actual breakup. Even though we never were official. But in my mind I guess you were.

You're really lucky.

I think I'm afraid to see you again. I'm thinking of not volunteering at TC, not talking to you when you come back to our church to visit, I'm thinking of not going to Tyndale even more, and going to McMaster... I'm thinking of spending summer elsewhere, so that when you're back at Grace Church I won't have to be awkward with you... I guess I want to shut you out of my life

But at the same time, I wonder how you're doing. That's why I asked Ken and then went thru all that trouble. Dang, if only I could figure out how to deal with this now-awkward relationship.

Do I still love you, deep down? I don't know. I'm such a bouncing person, not sure what I feel anymore.

You're not stupid, you're not a bum, you're seriously a good friend overall... except that we can't even be friends anymore... too awkward.

I can never let you hold or touch my hand again. I can never mess up your hair again. I can never hug you again. You said once on your blog/facebook "Love me or hate me, don't tolerate me." and "Love me or go away" because you just can't stand faker/polite ppl who actually don't like you. Well, I do still love you as a brother, I just don't LOVE you anymore so does it count that I should go away from you?

The more I loved you, the more I went crazy. The more I missed you, the more I obsessed about you. That's what happened. and that's why I blamed you for everything, cuz there was nothing else to blame.

It didn't make sense for us to love each other. Why didn't we remember what I said that phone call in august when i told you not to trust me? Why did you trust me anyway? I told you not to fall in love with me, and the opposite happened. I will never use that technique with a guy ever again. And with my personality, I tend to go crazy easily, and miss people I love crazily

I think after we parted ways I felt so much pain and yet so much better. I missed you but then once I convinced myself there was nothing to miss I was able to feel better. And then now I realize I just miss the friendship that we could have had.

You told me not to look at the past but to hope for the future. But what is there to hope now?

My motivation to study:

I AM SO SCREWED!!!!!

YAY I GOT FREE MONEY FROM OSAP!!! :) gonna go get it today, after my 10% midterm that I studied sorta well for after all! :D hehehe

Chill out, stay strong, and be cool.

You're da bomb. (wink) hahaha

Today I was just thinking how happy I am to be single, free, and being able to focus on what I want to do in life. :) I think the Empty Chair technique yesterday definitely helped a LOT!

As well as just no time to think about silly things. SO MUCH STUDYING GAH! And tons of work/tasks to concern myself about before next Tuesday! :P

I don't really miss him anymore. Maybe it was easy to get over someone after all, esp. when you didn't know them that well or for that long in the first place. I am RESILIENT :D YAY thank you God!

Now, my wish is for free money! haha! so that i can go on vacation!

Taylor Swift is always helpful after breakups. Thank you, Taylor.

"Come In With The Rain" by Taylor Swift

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.

Talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
Talk to the man with the reasons why,
And let me know what you find.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could stand up and sing you a song,
But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far.
And I, I’ve got you down,
I know you by heart,
And you don’t even know where I start.

Talk to yourself, talk to the tears,
Talk to the man who put you here,
And don’t wait for the sky to clear.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I’ve watched you so long,
Screamed your name,
I don’t know what else I can say.

But I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…

Thank GOD!!!!

Today I'm feeling so much better. Thank God. Still having bad thoughts and zoning out to think about you know who but at least I'm not so tired and stressed that I'm aching or wanting to die/collapse. Thank God.

Yesterday's LifeGroup helped a lot. We had prayer time and Ronson drove me home... so we got to talk on the ride home and it felt like Urbana 09 again when we sat together on the bus ride home... it's good when u get to talk and ur not in a hurry to go anywhere. Ronson was very kind and sweet. Don't worry I'm not gonna start rebounding on him it's just that he's a really good brother and I appreciated the talk and his offer of prayers, and his empathy.

Because of the great tiredness I had and the great LifeGroup time, I was able to fall asleep no problem after he dropped me off, and it was a very good and deep sleep. I wish I stayed in bed longer but I had class.

Today I'm working a total of 10 hours but I still feel fine right now after 6 hours. I have to wait until 10pm for another shift. I hope I'll be ok for tonight, sleepwise and stresswise. Yeah, it's not easy being me. Or you. ;)

I'm on a new road now. I passed that fork in the road and I'm ready to keep on going. Letting go is one of the hardest things in life. But it's also one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself.

Still looking forward to Cuba or wherever else we're going. boo school.

Dear God...

I'm so tired today, I could die. I fell asleep in Fantasy class for a bit, and in Psych class I was totally zoning out most of the time. It's like a physical tiredness at the same time as an emotional drained type of tiredness. I kept praying and praying for strength and I know I can make it through, but I feel like God I am clinging on to you by a thread.

The feelings I get of wanting to die are not very strong but they are very frequent today. I tried my best to eat well and take deep breaths to relax, but the fact that my back and left leg/foot/knee are hurting is also not helping. The Bible verse you gave me today God was really good. I will wait for You, I will be strong as I am weak, and I will take heart and follow You.

I can't wait till I can go to Something Fun tonight at Steph's house and just like stretch out all my muscles on her carpet (if she has one) and crash on her couch, cuz I know she'll understand. I wish I had someone's physical shoulder to lean on right now, God, I'm just really realy drained.

And I know metaphorically I do have lots of friends to lean on. But like I was afraid to lean on Walter's shoulder today cuz he is a guy and u know, lately ive been having so many guy problems that who knows I might end up liking him again or whatever. I already started to feel symptoms of bouncebacks or rebounds after this whole Sam thing but I'm trying my best to dismiss everything and just focus on what I gotta do.

Midterm next Monday is worth 50%. I haven't really studied that much for that course. Sigh, I need to cram again and it's not going to be fun. I have to work really hard this week. Really, really hard.

Jesus, all this crap happened during midterms. I want to ask why but there really isn't an answer so asking won't really help. I just wish it was November already, or that it was Christmas and I could go to Cuba/Dominican Republic and just get all this heavy baggage out by swimming with dolphins or bathing in the sun with girl friends. And not worry about guys or what they think of me. Not worry about decisions or cry at night or whatever.

Yesterday God I was looking at the moon and was thinking of that David Archuleta song. I was wondering if Sam would be looking at the moon and whether he would be thinking of me at that moment. For a few minutes as I was looking at the moon I felt connected to Sam again and you know I just really missed him.

I don't regret my decision because God it was You who told me to do it, but at the same time if only we could have spent more friendship time together, it would have been good. That's what I regret I guess, I mean if in August I made more efforts to meet up with Sam more, we could have gotten to know each other better as friends and not have to worry about relationship crap that always makes me so nervous.

I really wish I could get a massage, seriously... my backpack is so heavy and stretching it out during class isn't helping. I also wish I could sleep better, and not be thinking about so much stuff at night... If only there was an easier way to get over a person.