Don't know what to write anymore

I wanted to write something uplifting, something inspiring, but nothing came. I thought of posting a song, but no song seemed appropriate. Today I don't even know what to think about today. I'm going to a new church, starting a "new life", trying to forget about ever dating again for many, many years. Trying to focus on work, family, and God while still remembering beautiful memories.

Listening to Josh Groban right now. My wrist hurts, I'm not sure why. Either from stress, or my hairband being around it all night. Or maybe I typed too much. I got so many emails and facebook messages... I don't really feel like responding to all of them. I don't like repeating the matter over and over again.

It sometimes feels like it's not real. Yesterday I walked down my street and saw someone walking the other way in the distance. I imagined it could have been him... but of course, it was not. I was standing at the bus stop. I wondered if I could see him on the bus, or their car would pass me and wave just like before. But I don't think they saw me.

There was an accident at McCowan and Sheppard, I craned my head to make sure it wasn't Adrian's car. I prayed to God he would be ok. It wasn't Adrian's car.

I'm not allowed to mention his name anymore at home. Never mind.

The Story of the Forbidden Woods

Once there was a girl named Natsumi who lived in a warm and pretty house near the woods. She was 22 years old. She lived with two loving parents, although strict but they knew her well enough to know where to set limits. She also lived with a loving younger sister, who was 19 years old.

Her parents told her not to go into the woods, for fear of dangerous people or things. Her sister was very obedient, obeyed every word the parents said. Natsumi, however, had an adventurous heart. She wanted to explore and learn on her own. She wanted to make her own choices, be free, and find love.

She did find love, one summer, with a boy she used to go to school with. They had a lot of restrictions on them, so sometimes, they met in secret. One of their favourite places was Dragonfly Park, near the Forbidden Woods. They saw many dragonflies there, swung on swings, lay on the grass, and spent a lot of time together there.

Time passed. It got harder and harder for them to spend time together. One day, the boy sent a message to Natsumi saying they should meet in the Forbidden Woods. Natsumi wanted to make him happy and meet up with him, so she did. She didn't mind her sister's words, "Don't ever go to the Forbidden Woods!"

When she got into the Forbidden Woods, she found comfort, love, passion, and something she had never found before. Her boyfriend showed her around the woods, and she felt like it was something beautiful, something interesting. For once they shared something no one else shared with them...They prayed that it may only be to further their relationship, but...

As the forbidden fruit had done to Adam and Eve, Natsumi and her boyfriend were cast out. They were found out, cast out, and friendships, families, and communities were ripped apart. You may think that is very dramatic, and exagerated, but that is what happened...

When Natsumi went home, she found her sister crying. She found her father angry, losing sleep, and ashamed of his daughter. She found her mom hysterical...

She had to leave her church, not that she was judged, but it was her parents' demand and her own willful plan of recovery. She had to give up her cell phone, block certain friends, expose many emails/chats to her father, and also delete many emails. She lost her dignity, her reputation, but thank God, not her faith/confidence.

She lost her boyfriend though, and with that, her best friend. They were one and the same.

She wonders how her boyfriend has dealt with it so far... she might never know. All she knows is, it's not fair that one person's happiness ends up causing so much damage. She feels numb, neutral, mostly unmoved. But she cries when her sister cries, hangs down her head when her father is upset, and feels like a naive little girl again when her mom speaks.

One day, this story will get better. But for now, it's chaos, and the Forbidden Woods still welcomes anyone who dares enter in.

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Please note that this story is not written literally, and any reference to people alive or dead may or may not be purely coincidental. In any case, don't assume you know what happened or what the Forbidden woods may stand for. You don't even need to know for sure to learn a lesson from this story .

I came on this blog to write down my feelings but it turns out the previous post pretty much is what I wanted to express. I feel calm right now, not that stressed. Sin sometimes doesn't hurt you personally the most. It hurts people around you the most.

What is done in secret will be exposed to the light. That's what Jesus said. Whatever he says is true. I have learned many lessons from my predicament right now. I will become a better person out of this. I will become stronger, purer, wiser, and smarter. I think this is the attitude I should have.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people. When you lose something/someone, you lose the things related to it too. But maybe you can also gain something through it all. Something within yourself.

This is the only way left to communicate. A cyberspace blog with open ended questions, no answers, only thoughts.

I'm still gonna dance. Sing. Write, be who I am. Just being a better person.

You're still you. I'm still me. The paths are different now, but we are never alone.

Reflections on a Sabbath Afternoon

I came home feeling humbled at God's grace and mercy. This has been an interesting week. Missions trip, loss of a friendship, coming home with mom not around as much (taking care of grandparents), exhaustion, excitedness/hyperness, worries about camp, fun with camp staff, fun with Montreal people, difficulties with a relationship, a great sermon that made me think, loss of innocence (or at least the awareness of it) and finally, increased faith.

Yeah, that was a long list. Overall, I see how God is trying to get me out of "I'm comfortable where I am" zone. I have a renewed passion to seek Him first and spend my Sabbaths wisely.

I was listening to my friend Amy Savin's music when I thought I would post up her song "Hopelessly lost" right here on blogspot. As I was trying to find her song on facebook I discovered her songs were used in a not-so-well-known Christian movie called "Saving Melanie". It seemed like something very interesting and so I clicked on it.

I'll let you find out what it's all about. So here's Amy's song and the HD trailer for the movie "Saving Melanie"!!! :D



www.amysavin.com for more inspiring music from my sister in Christ!



Melanie is a young single mother who recently became a Christian. She soon finds out that becoming a Christian doesn't mean her troubles will be over. In fact, her new found faith is soon put to the test... movie is out already! www.savingmelanie.com

Awareness of God's plan

I got a sore throat, but thanks to Adrian's prayers, other people's prayers, and careful eating habits (including lots of gentle vitamin C drinks), I am doing alright, it is just uncomfortable.

After I came back from missions, I think I find a bigger need for prayers and God's direction. A bigger need for humility and submission to Him and others. I start to see why certain things happen and how some things are part of God's plan.

First of all, I want to say how grateful I am for God putting Adrian in my life. He reminds me to pray when I forget, reminds me of my need for rest and Sabbaths, and reminds me that life can be fun too. Sometimes I feel like he is more spiritual and more selfless than me.

For me, it's easy to get into an annoyed mood. That's where prayer also comes in, to help calm me down and find out what attitude does God want me to have.

I revisited the verse Proverbs 18:24 in several translations...
(New Living Translation)

²⁴ There are “friends” who destroy each other,
but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

(The Message)

²⁴ Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family

(GOD’S WORD Translation)

²⁴Friends can destroy one another,
but a loving friend can stick closer than family.

(Holman Christian Standard Bible)

²⁴ A man with many friends may be harmed,
but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.

Although all these translations have a slightly different take on the verse, I still find all of them to be true in my life and it helps me to accept a situation that I'm in right now. God doesn't intend for us to always be friends with everyone. Even Paul and Barnabas, long-time partners, parted ways, but through that God's Kingdom was continually expanding.

Of course we should try our best to be a kind friend to people we meet, but not every personality fits well together, and when something isn't meant to be, it's just not meant to be. You can't be friends with everyone, although you can try to be kind to everyone, with wisdom of course. Now, being kind though, is subjective unless you read about what kindness is in the Bible. And wisdom needs to be there to protect you from harm. You don't want to be friendly to a thief.

Kay Redfield Jamison quotes

"We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this--through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication, we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. "

"Love, like life, is much stranger and far more complicated than one is brought up to believe."

"Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest."

"I look back over my shoulder and feel the presence of an intense young girl and then a volatile and disturbed young woman, both with high dreams and restless, romantic aspirations"

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

-- Kay Redfield Jamison

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For those of you who don't know, Kay Redfield Jamison is an author. She was a psychiatrist before, and then she got bipolar disorder. She wrote about it and all these quotes are from her book "An Unquiet Mind". There are more quotes and at times I think she expresses exactly what I go through or exactly what I need to hear/learn from my disorder.