Emotional roller coaster is back... although it's not the Behemoth

Have you been to Canada's Wonderland before? My first time going I had SO much fun. The Behemoth was fun too, although very scary, I was lifted off my seat and was hanging on for dear life. I was ok with all the other roller coasters (and yes we went to a lot cuz that day there weren't many ppl), but there were some that shook me a lot and it was kind of a weird feeling after.

So the past few days it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster but it's not all that bad. It's not like the Behemoth where I'm really happy and manic, then tumble down to the ground and back up. It's more like I'm pretty happy and giddy, and then out of nowhere something will stress me out and I would cry for seemingly no reason. It's like something in my brain gets pulled at when I'm stressed, it's like those toys that have a string, and you pull, and it will spin or something. So when some weird nerve in my brain is pulled with stress, I will feel like crying more easily.

I mean, yesterday I cried at Pizza pizza because it was so noisy, I couldn't study, and I didn't expect Adrian to get a pizza. How weird is that? Do you cry when that happens? I don't think so. But it was a real stress for me. And the day before, I cried because the girl at Shoppers Drug Mart told me I misunderstood what the dumb Optimum points system was like. I thought they owed me something, but it's just that I misunderstood. But it was stressful, because she had that attitude, and I was crying again.

But the weird thing is, one minute I would be really happy, and then if someone pulls the string, I will be stressed and cry. It's not like I can control it. Cuz before we went to Pizza pizza we were joking and laughing. And before Shoppers Drug Mart I was looking forward to Mission Fest (which was great by the way!)

Now I'm just trying to avoid certain people whom I KNOW can pull my string. There is someone who pulled my string yesterday morning, and he pulled quite hard. For this case it's difficult to figure out what to do because obviously my automatic response is to yell and cry, but my mom and God are saying that I need to just ignore it and not fight back, otherwise make it worse. And I can't avoid him either, otherwise make me seem aloof and not a friendly Christian. If only someone could just prevent this person from pulling my string!

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Paco's story (and maybe yours)

There was once a story about a young man named Paco. Paco's father and Paco had a really rough relationship. They fought, they threatened, and they called each other names. Paco's father was quite a harsh man, often making strict rules for Paco to follow, but Paco had a will and mind of his own and didn't want to be constrained by those rules. It's not like he wanted to be a criminal or anything, he just had his own moral standards and wanted to live freely the way he interpreted God's will to be.

Now Paco's father did not understand what was going on with Paco. He thought he was raising Paco up to be a civilized man, and to do that he MUST impose those strict rules. He felt as if Paco needed to learn respect for elders and learn how to obey authorities. He was doing the best he could, but what he was doing was not appreciated by Paco.

One night when Paco went out with his friends to have a birthday party and didn't come back at the expected 10:30pm, Paco's father got mad and thought it was the last straw. Paco didn't call to say he was going to be late, so he must have forgotten about my instructions, his father thought. So Paco's father decided to teach him a lesson by locking Paco out.

Paco never came back. Or maybe he did, found the door locked, banged, but no one heard. Or maybe Paco never did go to a party. Maybe he decided to leave home that day and start a new life on his own. No one really knew... for 15 years.

15 years had passed, and Paco's father was still wondering what in the world happened to Paco. He thought maybe because of the rough relationship they had, it made Paco resent being at home. Paco's father felt sorry and wanted to make amends, so he put up newspaper ads all across the country that said:

"Dear Paco,

Please meet me at the St. Francis Library at 10am on Monday. Let's come together in forgiveness. I love you.

-Dad."
.
.
.
.
The next Monday, 153 Paco's showed up at St. Francis Library.
152 of them left disappointed.
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I actually got this story from another source but I expanded on it and modified a few things. I don't know who reads my blog, but... do you feel like a Paco? Or do you have a son or daughter like Paco? I'm not going to say whether or not I'm a Paco but you can guess.

What lessons can we learn from this? I'll let you think about that on your own.

Lucky

My sister showed me a video which led me to other videos... (Doesn't that always happen with youtube)? Well, it's not that I was procrastinating... just resting! Yes! I learned how to rest! WOW! That is a big accomplishment in itself, because if you remember, I used to be workaholic!

Anyway, I was searching for the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait (actually don't know how to spell that properly) but I ended up with this:



And I was thinking about how Britney Spears used to be, and how her song can speak truth to anyone out there who is on the way to fame or attained fame. Fame can do a lot of things to you. I can't imagine the stress, the pressure, the constant attention/media, and the pain. It can be fun, but up to what point? I actually felt really sorry for Britney when she went through depression... I mean, I went through depression and it was bad enough, but for her face to be all over the papers, she must have felt even worse.

My dear friend Rachel always had a passion to pray for celebrities. I think at the beginning I didn't see why we should pray for celebrities especially, I mean I thought we should pray for everyone in general. But I'm starting to see her point of view. Even Christians who enter into the Hollywood scene can slowly get corrupted. At first I thought Miley was on the right track but now I'm worried about her. And same with Carrie Underwood. I'm finally catching on to Rachel's vision.

And I don't think it's just famous people who go through what the song mentions. I mean, I used to "have it all", being a kid with good marks and having a lot of friends in elementary, but I hated myself, and "cried cried cried" wondering why why why. I probably sound cheesy here, but my point is that all of us can feel this way, when things are all going right but you feel like if there's nothing missing, why do you still feel empty inside?

Well, I obviously don't think the end of it all is to cry. Sure, I cry a lot, but it's only so that I can let out all my sadness/anger/frustration/stress. But yeah, there is hope and the story doesn't end there. After I realized my "missing peace" was God, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour and from then on I had a reason to live.

I might have told this story to you before, but I just want to share it with those who didn't know... I went from a bully (yes I was a bully), a Chinese-swear-word user, a girl with a double life (one good, one bad), TO a kind person (too kind sometimes, I need to find the balance), a girl longing for purity, and someone who wants to be one transparent leader. And it's not me, but it's God who can change me like that.

And I'm lucky because I get to be with my best friend... whom I am deeply in love with... Adrian Leung!!!! If you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it's ok, this song is still funny to watch because they filmed in on a rowboat and they used a weird guitar pick! And the lifejackets were holding the camera!!!!!



I wish you all true love (not necessarily romantic love, even though that's nice), open friendship, hope for tomorrow, strength for today, and most of all, INNER PEACE!!!!

God has not promised
skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways
all our lives through;
God has not promised
sun without rain
joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.

But God has promised
strength for the day,
rest for the labor,
light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
help from above,
unfailing sympathy,
undying love.

-Annie Johnson Flint, on a Recycled Paper Greetings Card

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I found this greeting card at Carlton Cards store, and I really loved the message. I'm going to send it to my little friend/daughter Grace in Uganda. Being a World Vision sponsored child, I think she will one day be able to read this card and remember what God has done for her over the years, in the difficult circumstances that face people in her country.

I think this card touched me too, I mean, even though I was the one buying it. You all know I usually get bogged down by my problems, and when times get tough I feel weary of life and get really depressed. But yeah, even though God doesn't promise a perfect life, at least we have His gracious love and strength to carry us through.

Although I wish life didn't have suffering, I know it would be a bit weird if we were all living in a Garden of Eden type thing... there wouldn't be as much depth to anything if it was still like that.

On a side note, those of you who commented in a previous post, I did not forget you. I just had an exam to study for and wanted to wait till a proper time for me to think deeply about what to write. Hopefully I can write something deep. It's hard when I'm not a scientific person. I'm more of an emotional person, which doesn't help when it comes to apologetics. Feel free to check back soon for a comment response!

"A little drop" by Martine Lee

Verse 1:

I realized that life was not a parish
That love and hate were always intertwined
Justice never ends the way you want it
But hope is a flower that grows out of the land...

Chorus:
And I want to be a shower of blessing
I want to be an instrument of peace
And even though I'm only a little drop in this ocean of time
There is nothing like a little heart that shines

Verse 2:

Happy days don't always last forever
The best of friends may leave you far behind
Appreciate the days you see the rainbows
And heaven only knows when we will meet again...

Chorus 2:
And I want to soar on the wings of an eagle
Fly on the breath of the wind
And even though I'm only a little drop in this ocean of time
There is something that can matter in this little life of mine...

Bridge:

A vapour in the wind
The sand on the shore
A whisper in the ear
The knock at the door
There's no telling, if this could possibly change your soul...

Chorus 3:
And you can be a shower of blessing
You can be an instrument of peace
And even though you're only a little drop in this ocean of time
There is nothing like a little heart that shines

There's nothing like a little heart that shines

No, there's nothing, like a little heart that... shines...


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I wrote this after our SCSU Board Meeting. I imagined my friend Zahra singing it. :) "Sound of Music" Style.

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I used to be part of a play that never happened. I don't remember what it was called. It was all the way in grade 10 Drama class, and it was in French. Basically it was a play with teen actors/actresses, and it was made for a teen audience. Due to my teacher's daughter's ski accident, we practiced the play without her but when she was back it was too late to put on the show.

But I still learned from being in that class and preparing for the play. It was a very poignant play about things that teens face. There were funny scenes, sad scenes, quirky scenes, and interesting scenes. There were monologues, dialogues, and mini-skits. I remember one scene there was a bunch of students fooling around in class (that was funny). There was another scene of a girl who had an abortion (it was very haunting and sad, Renee did a good job with acting). There was another scene with a guy not sure how to ask a girl out. And another girl who had trouble with what to wear.

Now this part stuck with me the most: There was a line that said-- "We all have different problems. Some may seem bigger than others, but to each person the problem means a lot and may hurt just as much. And we need to accept that."

Because of the things I'm going through this semester, I can try to make myself feel better off by comparing myself to people who are worse off (poorer, less privileged, whatnot), but all that does is make me guilty for being sad about my own problems. That's when I feel encouraged by the quote above. Because the things I go through do hurt a lot.

I just went through a report process with the police. And it's not over yet. I don't know, should I press charges? Or a restraining order? It sure does trouble me... I wish I could forget about it.

And my period problem. Yah. It came back. So I was finally "allowed" to take birth control pills, which I should have taken about a week ago to heal myself. It hurt to see the blood today. I know, I'm talking about gross stuff, but it's life. You know, I could get ovarian cancer if I don't take care of my health properly. Thank God for birth control pills in that respect.

There's a lot to be happy about though. I mean, I had a good Board meeting today, laughed instead of cried, got an idea of what job I will take this summer (maybe at church), and also I composed a song (above). And my friend's birthday party is this Sunday.

But there is still a lot of suffering in this world (not just in my life, but many people's lives close to me and in my community) that I need to pray for and think about. I feel sad sometimes that we can't just have a nice happy world...

SIGH. Well, at least there is something called hope, and a little drop of sunshine.

Racism runs more than skin deep

This video hit my heart, especially the part when the little black girl was being asked about which doll was good or bad, and which doll she identified with. Taken from a video my professor mentioned in class (Psychology of Prejudice class)...

A blessed night, and a tough message...

Saturday night, my family went to hear Phil Driscoll (a Christian musician/preacher) at Willowdale Church. It was AMAZING. I went in expecting a concert but it was really a worship evening, a night of fun, fluid, casual music, and conversational preaching... it's hard to describe. From the opening song to the last one, I had a lot of fun and could feel the Holy Spirit moving in my heart. It was because these musicians (it wasn't just Phil, there was his son and another person named Dave I think) who had this heart for God that just blows you away.

The first musician (let's just call him Dave although I am not sure it that was his name) played the trumpet and sang the song "Agnus Dei", and he was saying how we should all join in singing, because this is not a performance, this is his song for God, we should all worship God together... That kind of humility and refusal to take credit for his talent is admirable. When people applauded, he would point upwards, and also clap, because the praise was for God.

He learned this from his role model (none other than Phil Driscoll, the main musician featured that night). And Phil's son was interesting to hear too, because his songs were not conventional songs with verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus 2x. He kept on repeating similar lines over and over again, flooded into other songs, and did variations on the tunes. It was heavenly, because I know in heaven there's gonna be nonstop praise, and people would sing the same line over and over without getting bored! He didn't care about missing some lyrics, because, as he said, we should sing for God, who looks at our hearts, not for people's praise and attention.

I realized that's what I do, I worry about what people think. But God doesn't mind if I make some mistakes when I'm doing my best because He sees my heart. When I don't care what people think, that's when people go, WOW, I see God in her.

Phil emphasized the word FUN when it comes to worshipping and serving God. We should have fun because God gives us joy and our praise can be as loud as we want! And I also realized how I don't usually have fun. I work, I stress, I worry. I saw easygoing people as having something different about them that I couldn't comprehend, like, they're not serious. But maybe in life I should be more easygoing. I know it would be hard. It's hard to be easygoing for me... I take things so seriously.

And Phil preached about faith vs. trust. There is a difference, because you can have faith but not trust. If we trust in God fully, then we wouldn't even mind even if he hurt us, because we know he has a perfect plan.

Now that last part is hard to deal with because this weekend I was struggling with what I should do this summer. A while back I posted up all these things I wanted to do, but right now, I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm supposed to be on sabbatical, but what does that mean? Does it mean literally not doing work or does it mean an attitude of peacefulness? And I applied to all these "sabbatical jobs" (jobs that were relaxing and part-time) but no one replied. Is that a sign that maybe I should be trying something else?

At the event on Saturday night I felt as if God was telling me I should apply for the outreach job at church (community coordinator job). I wanted this job since last year or two years ago I don't remember... but back then I wasn't ready and got distracted with lots of other issues like summer school, French tutoring, and a relationship that tore my brain apart. I don't want to waste this upcoming summer... and I thought maybe God was trying to tell me to go for this job again, and it would be relaxing cuz I'd be at my church, a peaceful place, and I would just have to have a non-worrisome attitude, and HAVE FUN.

I asked God if He could show me another sign, just to make sure, because the outreach job would be 30 hours a week instead of a smaller part-time job that I had anticipated... and my sign that I asked for was for no one else to have applied for that job. And lo and behold, the next day on Easter Sunday, Pastor Tim announces that nobody applied for the job, in front of the whole congregation. I thought, WOW, it has to be a sign!

I told my friends about this "miracle" and they were pretty happy for me, but I still had a bit of doubt. I told my mom and she was completely against it. So I felt bad because maybe I just misunderstood God and took coincidences as a sign. I just felt so bad because I didn't know what to do anymore for this summer...

I guess I will have to figure it out, even if it hurts to think back to my messed up summer last year... and even if I have to face my illness and my limitations, because those are reasons my mom was opposed to it...

I feel a lot of things. Feelings do not always tell the truth. I called my friend Karl and he says I really need to confirm multiple times before I know for sure something is God's will. It's true. Well, like I told Karl last summer, God doesn't tell us what to do until the LAST minute sometimes. So that we can have faith and trust in Him.

And Adrian says maybe I don't need to "figure it out", because God will tell us in due time and find us where we are at. God doesn't want me to stress about His will cuz His will involves peace and not stress anyways.

It's interesting that my friend Sabs emailed me a Bible verse that helped me remember I am not useless (I was having flashbacks of the hospital... I was there Easter 2006)... and I put here the verse with a bit of context...

2 Corinthians 3:2-6

You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

This verse actually needs even greater context to be able to understand. Letter can mean just a letter that you send, but also it means letter as it the law, like when you follow something to the letter. I just felt this was a good encouragement, that my competence comes from God.

I feel cheerful and stuffy today!

Hey all, I'm writing this from the UTSC library, because I am covering my friend's shift today. Right now I'm on break. Today is a cheerful day for me, because first of all, all my essays are done, secondly, all my depression is gone, thirdly, I am not studying for exams until after Easter, and fourth, it is EASTER TOMORROW!

Happy Easter!!!!

If you don't know what the meaning of Easter is, I really should tell you. Eggs and bunnies don't really have much to do with the Easter Story, it's kind of like consumerism/Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and Christmas.

Good Friday commemorates Jesus' death on the cross, and why we make it a holiday is because it is a Holy Day. Holy-day. Holi-day. Holiday. It is a Holy Day because on that day, God gave up His Son Jesus to save us from our sins. We have all done wrong things, called sins, and because of that, we cannot enter into God's holy heaven and our relationship with God was broken...

But to restore this relationship with us, His children, God decided to give His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. The punishment/payment for our sins was laid upon Jesus on the cross, and through His blood we are saved. Sound gory? It sort of was, back then, and if you saw "Passion of the Christ" you were probably grossed out or had nightmares...

But that is NOT the whole point. The point is that God LOVES us so much that He would give up His Son's life for us. And also, the story does not end there. Jesus rises from the dead 3 days later, hence we celebrate Easter Sunday/Monday! This shows that Jesus had the power of God in Him, that he was not just some dude who decided to sacrifice himself.

I like studying the Bible and getting deeper into it, so if you are interested, go to www.biblegateway.com and check out the books of the Bible written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They record the Easter story in a more comprehensive manner than I can type in 10 minutes.

And there are lots of random questions you also may ask... like "How can Jesus be God's son and God at the same time?" OR "How can we know that Jesus really resurrected?" OR "Why is Easter called Easter? Isn't that a pagan name?"

well, www.gotquestions.org or www.leestrobel.com can hopefully answer your questions! :D This is just my little Easter blog post! Ask me in person too, if you don't feel like surfing on the net for answers! :D

Take care and remember, we all need to discover what the truth is for ourselves! I encourage you all to explore!