Why is it so hard to let go?

As I am sitting here in the library, I feel like I just want to go somewhere and cry. Honestly. Because I feel that it's just so hard to let go. I'm the kind of person who wants to have everything under control. When things don't go my way or when people try to take jobs from me, I feel like they are taking a little bit away from me sometimes, depending on what it is.

I don't like to think of myself as a control freak, but maybe I really am. I'm not as much of a control freak as I was before, but I still feel hurt when things don't go the way I planned it, depending on what it is.

Edwin wants to help me with the logistics with bus and money. Honestly he is a blessing. I don't know why though but when people first proposed to me that other people can take on my duties I felt offended. Maybe cuz I like to think of myself as capable and strong, I want to prove to myself that I can do it. And now, I feel like everything is being taken away. Fundraising is handled by Imelda and Dani, Logistics is handled by Edwin and Katie, and right now I'm just the person who organizes the prayer meetings every Sunday. There are seriously no more duties left for me to take care of, and I should be happy but I am sad. It's not that I don't wanna hold prayer meetings, it's just that it's so easy to do, it feels like nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make a name for myself by doing all this stuff. You probably don't understand why I am so sad about this. I just am. I don't want to be bossy or be superwoman, like some people think I am. I don't want to do this just so I can order people around. Maybe it's because people told me I had the gift of leadership but slowly I am starting to lose opportunities to lead, and people say that I am doing too much and should stop. It's really annoying you know.

And I am sad that I don't have my own printer or laptop (okay this may seem trivial because so many poor people in the world don't have it) but for some reason I am sad. Maybe it's my depression kicking in again. It's just that I wanted to finish writing my resume tonight but I never got to finish it and I will not be able to finish it until later just cuz I don't have a printer and laptop. And it's just annoying cuz I planned to drop off my resume tomorrow, but now I can't.

Anyway I better stop cuz I feel like crying.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I wonder how many people in Canada would actually list out things to be thankful for on Thanksgiving or would they just think about the turkey? Cuz then it might as well be called Turkey Day or Turkeygiving instead. :P

Well, here is my thanks list...

I really thank God that He brought Adrian in my life. I've never been so much happier in my life or in any relationship whatsoever. His easygoing and caring attitude really gives me a great time. I'm glad that he's coming to church and I'm SO proud of him for trying to read the Bible and praying, and sincerely doing it too, not just cuz of me. And he donated to charity today... the best gift I can ever get... (I am very happy when other people donate to charity instead of giving me a gift).

I thank God that my family is doing well, that tomorrow I can see my grandparents.

Thank God that Varsity Christian Fellowship (VCF at UTSC) has like 8 leaders now! And I am not one of them! Being the former President who was trying to do things all on my own during the summer, losing club status and all, I am SO thankful for this outburst of workers for the harvest field. God really answered prayers.

Thank God that I am enjoying SCSU (Scarborough Campus Students' Union) life! I have great friends (Maryann aka Mary, Imran, Sara, the list goes on...) on the Board of directors, and I feel like I'm getting a lot of experience, especially cuz I got the position of Vice-Chair of Clubs Funding working alongside my best friend on the Board, Mary.

Thank God that I have more helpers doing Urbana stuff for me now! Instead of me handling it all on my own! Thank God for Imelda, Daniella, Edwin, Katie, Pierce, Pastor Tim, and Albert K.

Thank God that I didn't lose my English essay!!!!

Thank God that Bend it like Beckham is on course reserves at the UTSC library, so I don't need to worry about spending money to get it for my project!!!

I have food, shelter, water, a computer (although it doesn't work perfectly)... a lot of things that poor kids don't have.

Thank God little Jeffrey is improving in his behaviour. Thank God Nathan isn't going to be burnt out anymore with the new schedule (I really hope!).

I'm thankful that I realized my gift of hospitality, my gift of encouragement, and my gift of teaching... I hope I can be a good counselor too. I hope I can use these gifts to bless others...

Thank God that I got a scholarship this term! And also I got free money from the government!!!! (OSAP and Textbook grant) YAYAYA

I have lots of friends, although all of them are not close to me, but they are still a blessing to have. I have Juan, my counselor, and many ppl who care about me.

Most of all, I have my Saviour and Redeemer Jesus. To Him I will give all my thanks.

An intimate relationship with God?

Dear God,

At VCF we had a devotional and discussion about how we are so busy and stressed, we really need each other to lean on... and also as we lean on each other we must also lean on You. I'm so sorry, these days I often just spend time doing homework or other duties, it is very hard to walk with You every day. Although I do read the Bible and pray, I honestly cannot say that I have an intimate relationship with You anymore. My mind is blocked or something... I read the words on the Bible page and I don't hear You speak. Maybe it's because I haven't really prayed enough or whatever enough, but honestly sometimes I'm just SO tired or sad that I cannot concentrate or think about You. I don't even have the words to say to You anymore unless I type it out like this.

And I hated to hear what Karl had to say yesterday, but he really does speak truth. You don't just want someone who will do work for You. You want a child who will spend alone time with You. But God, what can I really do??? If I wake up early for devotions, my mind is dead, and if I wait until the night, I start to fall asleep again. Is it just because of my medication?

God, it's not that I didn't know the things that Karl had to say, I have heard it MANY times, it's starting to be really frustrating. Honestly, the next person who says I have too much on my plate is really gonna regret saying it because I don't want to hear it ANYMORE! I already cut down on courses, seriously, I am only taking three. Sure, I have two jobs, but I only work 6.5 hours a week in total, that is REALLY LITTLE compared to most people.

People who say I don't spend enough time with friends really don't understand. I put my friends above my schoolwork! I put God, ministries, and friends above my schoolwork, and the ministries I'm involved in are things that I feel God wants me to do. People shouldn't tell me to quit things if God told me to do it. I totally understand that they want to make sure I'm not stressed, but they just DON'T UNDERSTAND that it's not these things that stress me out, it is random depressing events that happen! For example, people telling me I should quit stuff that I am passionate in doing! (I forgive them but I just had to let all the frustration out.)

I'm fine now, I just want to get it all out of my system. God, I'm sorry, I am just really annoyed, and I'm starting to rant rather than pray. But seriously, the religious people I once thought would do the right thing actually came around and put me down or screwed things up for me. And the people who are the farthest away from God are actually the ones who understand.

I'm not trying to say that all Christians are bad, it's just that sometimes Christians they are so focused on doing the right thing so they end up criticizing other people. That's not right. They want to be holy but instead it turns out to be doing the exact opposite. People aren't perfect... it is true that you should try your best to do the right thing, but if someone falls, we should help them up, not give advice that ends up to be criticism.

Jesus accepts people as they are. He might tell them to sin no more, but he would do it in a compassionate way. God, I just can't take it anymore, all the criticisms and stress. Please take it all from me.

It's distracting me from the more important things in life. I want to be more focused on what You want me to do, God, and I really do want to spend the time with You and share your Love and message to others. It's hard cuz life gets in the way, I mean, the stresses and random crap that happens.

Thanks, God, for always listening and being there... and being so patient, never criticizing and always encouraging. Lord, help me to draw closer to You. My schoolwork also needs help, it's so hard to stay focused. And please help my friends who are feeling sad or lonely or stressed.

And my family, please repair the damage that was done... I know, it takes time to heal, but I feel like without Your help, it will stay like it is, and I just really hope that at least my dad can go to heaven and not have to suffer. I want him to know the true meaning of life, and honestly I have no other way of showing it to him unless You speak to him...

Thanks,
I miss You, God.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

A University Student's Rant (did this to de-stress)

Title: A University Student's Rant

I was going to write a poem about this, but I decided to rant.
Honestly, life as a student, sometimes you just feel like you can't
handle the stresses, the amount of work,
the deadlines coming up, the ones that lurk
Right around the corner, trying to grab you,
grab you when you're not watching, too!
Honestly, life as a student, it is no joke!
You don't just sit around drinking beer or coke,
you actually need to balance friends, a job,
family--I just feel like a corn on a cob,
being bitten at from all angles and
like on a beach, the hot summer sand
I feel scorched, when I try my best to be the best
and people's criticisms are putting me to the test
and on top of that, I'm getting fat
cuz in front of the computer all day I sat
finishing essays and papers
not to mention being careful of rapers...
Oh, I wrote that wrong, but don't get pissed
just blame it on Paul Bernardo, that RAPIST...
He went to UTSC, oh yes he did,
so you can see how much I kid you not
when I say university students go through a lot
cuz Bernardo's in jail, lying on a cot.
Although I am ranting, I am really just trying
to figure out what poetry is, I'm not lying...
I have a poetry essay due next week
perhaps it would make you go "eek"
BUT in reality, students like me
should think about the bright side--
the sun may seem to hide
behind those clouds of gray I know
But one day, these four years will show
A beautiful life, a full life
although I may get strife
I say this with pride:
I've been on a rough ride
but it was fun!
And I better stop here
cuz I should be done
(gasp for breath)
ranting or maybe I'm just
running out of rhyme...
P.S. the last thing I won't fail to say is kind of trivial
UTSC got filmed last week as a jail for Resident Evil!

HAVE AN AWESOME YEAR!!!!!
DON'T FORGET TO TAKE SOME TIME TO LAUGH!!!!!

OH AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL OF YOU! I AM SO THANKFUL FOR FRIENDS LIKE YOU!!!!!!!


Love from your sis Martine

In the morning

I woke up to find
that the place where God dwelt
in my uttermost being
was replaced by a black hole
and the only redemption to be found
was all in the willingness
to sacrifice my hands
in prayer to Him

Crabby Patty?

Today I was helping out with the kids at church again and hey, sometimes they can be annoying and you do have to be a bit more firm and strict... but sometimes when you can laugh about things they say (not talking about if they are calling each other names), it really brightens up your day. For example, Angela was really serious about her tea party and she kept on saying that we had to make space for a crabby patty. If you don't know, in SpongeBob Squarepants (kids TV show, heard of it yet?) there was such a thing as a crabby patty in a restaurant owned by an extremely crabby crab. So haha it was funny because she was so serious about making space for a crabby patty.

All joking aside, sometimes we have to wonder if we are a crabby patty about the things in life. At least for me I was kind of crabby these days and I didn't really laugh all that much until today. I kept on complaining about this one friend, and I kept on scrutinizing myself and the things I said and what I should have said. I complained about family stuff too and was pretty dead and laughless yesterday because I was worried about this one little thing (it won't make sense if I explain it to you, but anyway, I was thinking about this one thing during almost the whole dinner). I also complained to myself and didn't wanna do anything at all yesterday. (That is why I am up so late tonight trying to finish an assignment.)

And like Auntie Dannie said, I really should relax a bit more and laugh more. Take things less seriously because otherwise, there will be no more joy left in our day to day lives.

Yesterday I wrote a poem to try and encourage myself. It was a very simple poem... something like this:

I am beautiful.
I am lovely.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I am easygoing.
I am able to read, write, speak, and I can do these things well.
I am outgoing.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am helpful.
I am me.
I am.
I am Martine Lee.

I felt really good afterwards, because a lot of times I don't see a lot of value in myself. And the more I think I cannot do something, the worse I get at it. But if I encourage myself this way, I will start to feel better and do better. I also doodled a heart-shape-eyeball design that I was very pleased with, and I can't show it to you now but if I did I think you would think it is interesting!

Instead of being a crabby patty, I will choose to stay on the positive path and keep having faith that things will get better. I will stop being annoyed at other people so fast and instead take things a little more lightly so that others will not be as uptight as me.

Live to love, laugh, and learn. Enjoying random poetry and laughing at random things. Not worrying about tomorrow but letting tomorrow worry about itself. Seeing things as not obstacles but just a scenic detour.

:-) Good night and sweet dreams!

One of the hardest things in life

Yesterday I found out that one of the hardest things in life is confronting yourself. Sometimes you might be afraid of confronting others with the truth but when you confront yourself it's harder because you realize you need help, and that you really can't do it on your own. I can't say to you right now what I found out yesterday but basically I learned that something may be interesting when you study it, and you may think, "oh that may never happen to me" but when it does you will feel shocked and not know how to deal with it.

I'm not super depressed right now or anything, I just don't know how to deal with it. I found out the reason why I was what I was, and it's all starting to make sense, but at the same time, it doesn't make any sense. And some people have said to me that I might have the thing that I found out about but before, I would say, "no, I'm not like that, I'm different, I have this other thing, it's different". But when you find out the truth, you realize everyone else was right and you have to make a decision about what you're gonna do now, otherwise the odds are that something might happen.

So although I'm being vague, I really just don't know how to deal with it. Trying to explain to my parents is also a really hard thing to do cuz I have to say it in Chinese to their traditional minds, and it's just hard to say things when you don't have the words and you can't even deal with it yourself. Dang.

So these days I'm just a little more emotionless and numb, cuz I have to wait it out until I see someone again to figure out what the heck I am gonna do. :S I have to go to work right now, so I can't really stay here and chat, but just please pray for me...

I need to figure out what to do!