Heart is troubled again

Seems like the more people I tell about me and Christos being back together again, the more uneasiness I feel.  Nick doesn't know that I'm back with Christos but he gave me a talk last week that made me cry because I felt like he touched some soft spots.  Nick said that it's OK to wait for the right person to come along, and when you find the right person everything will feel right.  And that me and boys is like a roadblock for me being a mature Christian.

And today talking with Sanche made me rethink things again.  Sanche said, even though God didn't tell me to break up with Christos, did He give me the blessing to date Christos?  I thought about it and I realized that the answer was no.  And also Sanche said, does this whole thing glorify God?  I answered, to be honest, it's a mess.  Sanche was trying to say that it would glorify God more if I was just friends with Christos, rather than dating him, especially if I'm trying to help Christos draw closer to God, I shouldn't be dating him because he is not the same spiritual level as me.

Karen the counselor talked with me yesterday about expectations, how I feel like people expect me to be the perfect Christian Martine and this is not the true Martine.  It's hard to explain, but basically I feel like the perfect Christian Martine would do everything that my parents want, get a boyfriend that everyone else approves of, and basically be a perfect ideal Christian.  But I can't live up to that.  And when I try to do that (please everybody) I end up not being true to myself.  She said I just need to make my own decision.

So many different opinions from different people all swimming around in my head and my heart.  I feel troubled again.  Everyone's opinion has truth to it but I need to come to my own conclusion somehow.  I wish I didn't have to think about it, because I have a lot of other stuff to work on, such as schoolwork.
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Dear God,

You understand how troubled I am.   You know how I want to serve You.  You know how I love Christos yet at the same time want to please my parents so that I could have a good relationship with them.  God, what should I do?  I don't want to live this kind of life... where I have to hide things or feel bad because of a decision I've made.  I remember one of my friends in university saying, you can't help who you love... yet at the same time, Pastor Tim said love is a choice.  what a paradox... I don't even know what to say to You right now, God, I just feel like my heart is conflicted.  Confused.  Wishing that things were somehow perfect and that I had nothing to worry about.  This is an impossible relationship, I know my parents would never approve of Christos... and it's probably a very slim chance that Christos would want to become a missionary in Montreal... that's why he's expecting it to be a short term relationship.  I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, naively thinking that maybe it could end up becoming long term.  But what are the chances?  The chances are very very slim... as far as it appears right now.  Sure, we can be compatible now but what of the future?  Christos says maybe it's God's plan that we would have a short term relationship... well that is unheard of when you look at the Bible.  God made us to have long term relationships.  God, my life is screwed up.  If I were to turn back time, I would not have told Christos that I loved him.  I would have just kept my mouth shut and just stayed friends.  Things would have been much better that way.  I would have avoided the problems with my family, I would have avoided the breakups, I would have avoided all this... but I cannot go backwards now, and my heart doesn't want to let him go...