21 Guns

I'm glad we can still be friends

I just talked to Christos and I'm thankful that we can still be friends.  He says he has no hard feelings and that he is not hurt, that he is fine now.  I now feel at peace knowing this.  He is an amazing man. 

Regrets

There are a lot of things I regret in this life, but the thing I regret most right now is hurting you.  You didn't deserve it, and I know I don't deserve to be forgiven.  I hope that one day you will forgive me, but if you don't I will understand.  I hope that your heart will heal and that you can be happy again soon. You deserve to be happy.  I'll always remember the way you smiled at me, and I hope you can be able to smile like that again.  I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt you.  I sincerely hope that one day we can be friends again, but if it's not possible, I'll just treasure the times we had.  I'll remember you as a man that I once loved.  Not just any man, but one of the most caring, generous, bravest, most loving people I have ever met.  I'll always remember how you unselfishly gave your support and your attention to me.  I'll remember and I'll still be thankful that I met you.  I know the word Sorry won't heal the hurts, but I truly am sorry.

Worries going on and off

Yesterday I was still worried and doubtful again about my relationship with Christos but after church I felt like my worries were all taken away.  It was as if God told me to leave the worries at the cross and then when I left church I felt like I was fine again.

But since today I was seeing the counselor at school I decided to tell her about my worries anyway to see what kind of perspective she would give me.  Unfortunately, after talking with her I am left with doubts again.

She said that I needed to think about why I started the relationship.  Was it to fill a hole in my heart?  Was it because I wanted attention?  Am I just doing that whole cycle again of trying to heal a past hurt by starting a new relationship?  To be honest, I didn't think about these questions when I started the relationship with Christos.  When I started the relationship I just wanted to be happy.  I was hyper, I wasn't thinking of all these things analytically.

I told Karen (the counselor) that I don't want to let him go.  And many of her questions I could not answer.  She asked me to think about the pros and cons of the relationship.  After listing out the pros, I felt like I was being selfish.

I don't know the answer anymore.  I was looking back at my old blog posts and it seems like I had the right perspective or at least seemed to when I started the relationship, and now I'm slowly losing it.  Maybe I need more time to pray about it and talk with Christos about it.  He told me not to think of these things but I feel like I need to get these worries resolved somehow.

Am I really trying to fill a hole?  Am I really trying to just get attention?  

Decision made

After praying about it and thinking about it, I have decided to leave children's ministry after May.  The future is unclear but I trust that God will provide.

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On another note, here is a song that I like:

Feeling better, but confused about job path

Hey friends,

Sorry if my last post worried you. I talked with Gloria about my relationship with Christos and I slept a whole lot more yesterday evening and last night so now I feel normal again and more clear-headed about the relationship.  I know that God gave me Christos for a reason and that right now I shouldn't worry too much about the future but to just be there for him and love him.  Not to think of the relationship as a stepping stone to something better and not to think of the relationship as using him or fooling around.  It's all about how you view the situation.  And I want to view it in a godly way.

As for my decision about job, I am still a bit confused right now but I'm sure I will have it figured out soon enough.  I really want to do outreach, what is stopping me is the job security, abandoning the kids, and whether or not it is the right time.  However I am leaning towards outreach, especially because of the dream of the church kids getting shot and the Luke 4 passage.  Pastor Fanco also talked with me and encouraged me to pursue what I believe would be my future calling which is outreach.

(I don't know what to name this post)

I don't know if I'm just still tired or what, but I feel more blah today.  I feel like everything that happened over the past week was a dream.  A good dream, but a dream.  It feels unreal.  I start to question do I really love Christos or do I really see a future with him, I start to wonder if I am a bad person for dating him, am I fooling around with his heart, am I this or that.  He really loves me, I can tell, and I don't want anything bad to happen.  He said one thing that annoys him is if I have doubts.  I don't know but I feel like these doubts are not going away.  I want to enjoy the relationship but maybe it's cuz I'm not used to someone loving me like this and also I'm not used to being in a relationship without thinking automatically about marriage.  Next week the bipolar mood is supposed to be depressed.  I hope I won't be depressed.  I'm already feeling too blah to smile right now, it's not good.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my times with Christos.  I feel happy when I'm with him.  I feel like I can be myself and I can share anything.  But I guess I'm just scared.