Finally a hypomanic episode without depression

Hey all,

I only have a few minutes to update.  If you havent noticed already, there are two posts (see below) from me recently about Selig and Jane&Finch.

This week I was hypomanic and didn't sleep for two and a half nights. But I am doing well, happy, medicated, and normal.  I am glad that this time the hypomania didn't drop down to depression like it usually does.... lets hope that it doesnt happen next week.

God is good.  Finally I can feel happy again.  I had a lot of bright ideas too.  Life is enjoyable.

There is so much that I wish I could tell you in person.  If only I had time to hang out.  Honestly, these days have been so busy with school, work, volunteering, church, and randomness.  Yeah.  Not much time to hang out.  I have two assignments due Monday that I didnt even finish and I have a family dinner tomorrow where I have to dress nicely after having sweated with the children.  Is that even possible?

God is still good.  I am glad to have chances to talk about Jesus to others recently.  God has renewed a passion in me.  Praise God.

:)  Love you all,

from Martine

Part Two About Selig

Selig.  Selig. Selig.

Who is Selig? He is Andrew Chao's friend whom I met at Urbana.  Jen deeply regrets letting me sit with him and Andrew for one night at Urbana.  Don't worry Jen, he is not that bad.

In fact, he is really mature.  Strong in faith and mature in terms of respecting my boundaries.  He promised he wouldnt ask me out because I want one year of staying single to heal my heart.  He keeps asking me did I give my heart to him, because he DOESNT want me to give my heart to him.

But you know, typical martine, she is already thinking about dating him... but dont worry i will not ask him out... but i am setting boundaries this time.  Once I feel that I am going to cling onto him, I tell him not to contact me for a week, such as this week when my bipolar is going crazy, i told him because of my bipolar please dont contact me until sunday otherwise I risk clinging onto you.  And so far, Selig is strong on his promise, he didnt contact me.

Selig and I talked for two hours on skype last Sunday.  It was a friendly conversation.  Got to practice French and listening skills.  To be honest, sometimes I zoned out cuz he was talking fast but I nodded anyway lol.

The two hours went by fast.  And then after dinner he messaged me on gchat and we talked for like another hour or something i dont even remember how long.  But he loves talking to me.

Something he said really makes you think and maybe even cringe....

"Martine I don't think that when you're in Montreal we should meet up one on one.  Because over skype its ok but if I were with you in your sister's room I would probably want to hold you"  ( by the way i was in my sister's room skyping him so no he is not trying to be a pervert with my sister)

Yeah I kind of cringed when he said that but i know he meant well.  We will defiintely NOT meet up one on one.  I have a lot of friends I want to see in Montreal anyway and its better to evaluate his behaviour in a large group.

Friends for now.  For now.

My mom thinks he looks cute and is getting all excited about this new "potential" though.  She even talked to my dad about Selig this morning.  She pronounces his name "Ceiling".  Funny.

:)  well, thats enough for now.  What else do u want to know???

Major upcoming changes in my life... EXCITING!

Quick summary of what is to come in this blog post:

-i feel called to Jane and Finch for September

-Selig...

-I am going through bipolar disorder again, mostly hypomania

-I am producing a CD as you probably already saw on Facebook.

- I am getting a tattoo next week Sat (the first Sat of Feb) most likely. And on my BACK.

 

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First of all, you might be shocked at Jane and Finch.  Yeah.  The poor gun violence and gang ridden community ?  Yes.  Jane and Finch.  The place every rich person avoids to live near? Yes.  Jane and Finch.  I feel called to Jane and Finch. 

I always had a heart for the poor.  Gangsters, not so much.  But the thing is, the poor people eventually become gangsters if no one ministers to them.  So poverty and gangs are very interconnected.  That's what I have come to know over the years.  I also grew up in a church that supported Urban Promise, an organization that serves at risk kids and youth like in Jane and Finch.  So I have a very good impression of UP because my old church went there for missions trip.  However at that time I did not go.

 

Recently I have been a little frustrated at my work at church because I feel like whatever I do, the kids are not happy.  Well the Saturday kids are better and the Mandarin kids are fine.   Actually more specifically it is the gr. 5 and 6s esp. the Friday group that is bored of church and wants nothing but free time.  That is what frustrates me.  They don't like my games and don't want to have fun or cooperate.

 

That led me to thinking, what are my gifts?  What are the talents that God gave me.  God gave me a heart for outreach.  Reaching to those in need of Jesus and of help.  Aaron helped me to think about that as well as what I want to do in the future.  in the future I don't want to just be stuck with church kids, I want to get out into the community.  And outreach.  I want to be an outreaching pastor.

 

So because Gloria needed my help finding direction for her future career path, I decided to ask UP and TCM some information.  While I was helping her, I got interested myself.  I asked questions about their internships and the final conclusion was hopefully I can stay at Grace church for Sat. and Sun. teaching the church kids and then during weekdays devote one or two nights a week to try out volunteering at Jane and Finch.  I would drop the Friday fellowships because otherwise I would be too burdened.  I still have to ask Pastor Lee about this but if I explain my dream he will know.

 

Dream, you say? Yes, I had a dream last week Tues.  A vivid one.  I was in a classroom teaching the Grace Church kids when a gunman came in and started telling every one to stand up.  Then one by one in a game-system manner, he shot kids down and they died.  The dream ends with a few kids left standing and the others on the ground and me staring and watching.

 

At first I did not know what the dream meant.  All I remember was thinking that the murderer was crazy enough to use some sort of Russian Roulette game to kill the kids.

 

Then this week it all clicked in.  The dream was a vision from God, telling me the question: "How would YOU feel if your kids got shot?"

 

Of course I would be devastated and shocked.  This is how the Jane and Finch ppl feel when they lose someone to a gunshot.

 

You may ask, will your parents allow you to work in such an area?  HA.  Of course not.  I am moving out in September to either Tyndale residence or Jane and Finch... probably Tyndale so that my mom doesnt have a heart attack.  And that way, my parents dont need to know the details.  All they need to know is that UP is a Christian organization and I am with Christians serving the poor.  Thats all they need to know.

 

Looks like this update is getting long. I might need to finish this a bit later... feel free to ask questions....

 

The work I would be doing is after school program.  And Gloria is interested in the TCM single mothers program.  Working alongside Gloria would be helpful too because she grew up in Jane and Finch and knows ppl and how they are.  I am complete newb but I know I can learn a lot from this experience, much more than if I were to stick in my frustrating comfort zone of the church.  This will also train me to reach the poor in Montreal.  UP can give me an idea of how inner city missions works so that I can bring it to Montreal.  God is showing me step by step but this week is especially clear.

 

May God get all the glory.

New day, new me

I'm done with being a depressed Martine. As much as bipolar affects me, I will no longer stay in bed and mope. I will no longer despise life or be unsatisfied with whatever God has given me. I will learn to be thankful , helpful, take care of myself,love myself, be a better listener, be neater, manage my money well... These are all goals I have.

And one thing I must conquer. My fear of my parents. Eleanor Roosevelt said that we must conquer fear, stare it in the face and do what you think you cannot do.

I have prayed about this. I will be moving out in September. I will be trying something new, possibly volunteer with at risk Youth , get a tattoo of a Bible verse, and stand up for myself, get a drivers license. And never again will I let my parents dictate how I break up with a guy

I'm going to be a stronger woman.

I'm going to be a stronger Christian. my life will have great worth because God has given me the strength to continue to do this tough task of serving Him. God is going to make me into a better person. He is already working in me right now. All glory to God.

I will choose to daily give my affections to Jesus. I will choose to be joyful everyday. It's up to me to choose , I have the choice.

On the road of healing and overcoming

Hey friends, sorry if I worried you over the past week or so.  I am feeling much better, a lot more joyful, ready to face the world.  God has been slowly healing my heart through music, good quotes, the Bible, and other people.  This week I laughed a lot (thanks to Gloria mostly cuz she made me laugh) and accomplished various things.

I have a lot to update you on, I'm not even sure where to start.  Selig and I have been talking almost every day (we stopped on Wed and today I haven't talked to him yet) but he and I get along really well.  Yes, I am attracted to him but he is not letting me date him so don't worry.  He is mature like that, he knows I need time to heal and be free from guys and be satisfied in God and strong on my own first.  But I think he likes me back hehe

The Montreal missions trip (which also includes a trip to Quebec City) is pretty much planned out, I will be there from Mar. 5 to 14, and I am excited. :)  God is good!  What will I be doing there?  I will be doing various things but mostly helping with the Chinese church (Andrew's church actually) with outreach and discipleship.

Today I was talking to Aaron and somehow came up with the idea that maybe I could do an internship with Urban Promise in Sept.  It would be one year and I would have to leave my current church job.  It is still in the very beginning stage but I emailed both Urban Promise and TCM to see what the opportunity would be like.  I have always wanted to work with street kids, at risk communities and evangelism to the poor but just never got the chance.  Maybe now is my chance. Although I love my church kids, maybe the street kids need me more, you know? I will be praying about it.  I think (and Aaron thinks) it would be a good learning opportunity for me too!

This Sunday afternoon before I meet Thuy and Josh B, I will be recording a CD with Gloria to fundraise for missions.  I hope you can support me.  :) I'm thinking only ten dollars per CD but you can donate more if you like! It would go to the Montreal missions trip.  Which costs a little under $1000 to go for me.

Something I read today:  Don't carry your mistakes.  Put them down on the ground and use them as a stepping stone so you can rise above them.

Nice eh? haha

Starts with goodbye

at least God wants me