In God I am strong

God has been really protecting me lately.  Fainted last Friday, car accident on Sunday, received lots of encouragements from friends at school that I barely even know, and the list goes on.  My heart is still hurting sometimes from Tommy but God encourages me through lots of different ways.  I am learning to become stronger, better, and more independent.  After all my strength is gone, in God I can be strong.

the saddest music video ever

Fainted this morning

I'm ok now, just need to learn to take better care of myself.  I didn't take enough iron pills recently and have also been eating less (little appetite and sleeping in).  Thank God I'm ok now and that my sister was there this morning when I fainted.

Struggling with being single

I still talk to Tommy over text sometimes.  Yesterday he was telling me that the way to grow is to be alone with oneself and one's faith.  I guess I agree.  I'm not really good with being alone though.  Today I'm going to a women's workshop at my school, hopefully I get some insights and learn to be happily single.
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People who are happily single that I admire:

-Pastor Fiona
-Arleen
-Regine
-Carolina

Breakups are never easy

Whenever I want to find closure, I usually write a letter that the person will never see.  So here we go...

Dear Tommy,

I miss you. I miss our companionship above everything else.  I want to be your friend now but it's hard.  I need to let go of you in my heart first. I don't know if I can ever really do that.  Part of me still wants to hold on.  I don't like Harold right now anyway.  It's you I want.  I don't know why I still want you even though you don't want me anymore.  But at least you are willing to be friends.  What kind of friends, I don't know, because after being so close and then breaking up I don't think I can be close friends with you anymore.  After all the fights, can we still understand each other? I don't know.  I wish you well and I hope you can find a great wife someday.  I guess I just have to accept the fact that we are not right for each other.  Take care, have a wonderful life.

Martine

Grace

Lately at Lifegroup at church we have been discussing and learning about Grace every Wednesday.  Grace is not simply being graceful like in ballet or figure skating.  Grace is not something you say before a meal.  It is a deep, sacrificial love that gives freely without expecting in return, and Grace shows forgiveness and kindness to those who don't deserve it.  I want to learn to extend grace to others...

God gave us His grace through His son Jesus dying on the cross to save us from our sins.  While we were still sinners, without even waiting for us to say "sorry" to Him, He already died for us.  He gave us something we didn't deserve, a close relationship with Him and eternal life in heaven where joy and peace abounds.

When we go through rough times, that's when we experience God's grace the most.  With Tommy, I had to learn to give grace to him and forgive him.  I also had to humble myself and say sorry to him too, even though at first I thought I had done nothing wrong.  I'm glad him and me talked yesterday cuz it showed me his true colours and feelings.  It also exposed the fact that I needed to apologize too.  I thought I was the right one, but I also had fault for misreading God's plan.

I now feel like I can be friends with Tommy, although not close friends.  I feel that I still need time to get over it.  But I'm still confused why did God tell Tommy to leave me yet God never told me that?  Does God favour Tommy? I'm sure it's not the case, but why would God tell the guy and not the girl?  To leave her hanging?  It makes no sense.  Maybe God didn't want to hurt me? No that doesn't make sense either because it hurt me more to hear it from Tommy.  Dang, I don't know.

Anyway my mom shared this song with me, it's in Mandarin, too bad most of you don't know Mandarin.  But it's talking about how when you feel most down and lonely and weak, that's when you experience God's grace the most.  May God's grace give you all what you need and lift you up!