Sunday, January 30, 2011
A new era of birth control pills
Saturday (yesterday) I started taking birth control pills again to control my period, which has been going on since Dec. 31st with barely any days of stoppage. The disadvantage to birth controls is that they contain a lot of hormones, which causes depression and annoyance. I've already started to notice my mood being affected.
I used to be in such despair, saying that I had to choose between cervix cancer (from bleeding so much) or mental health. Personally, I'd rather have cancer than be mentally unwell, but obviously the smart thing is to risk being more depressed to save my life.
Mom says I should just do lots of stuff to cheer myself up. Yeah I guess I'll just have to deal with this all over again.
I used to be in such despair, saying that I had to choose between cervix cancer (from bleeding so much) or mental health. Personally, I'd rather have cancer than be mentally unwell, but obviously the smart thing is to risk being more depressed to save my life.
Mom says I should just do lots of stuff to cheer myself up. Yeah I guess I'll just have to deal with this all over again.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Just when I wondered if true love exists anymore...
My sister showed me this video. I cried because just yesterday I was wondering if anyone will ever love me romantically just the way I am, dry lips, big pimple between eyebrows, bipolar, etc appearances and mannerisms. But this video gave me hope that true love doesn't care about those things. A true love will love you even if you can't even do the things you used to do, or even if you dont have a beautiful smile anymore. That's true love.
And then, the second hit. I realized that my family is like that, they give me true love. Yet I never realized it because I was out looking for love in a boy. And it made me feel grateful that I have family and friends who love me no matter what. What more can I ask for?
If I'm ever going to date another guy though, I pray it will be someone like this guy Chris Medina in this video and the way he loved his girlfriend and never gave up on her...
Oh yeah and another thing... I posted a few days ago that I might not have fallen in love with anybody except for Jeff because all the other guys that came after were "loved" and attracted to because I had a "manque d'affection" (feelingn like something in me is lacking affection). But someone in my class raised up their hand to talk about the French book that we got this theory from and she said "The narrator of the story never loved anyone" but the teacher corrected her, saying, "no, he did love, he just didnn't realize it until later."
So now I see that even though guys like Jong and Adrian I was probably attracted to because of my "manque d'affection", it doesn't mean I never loved them. I didn't fall in love with them (maybe, maybe not) like out of true romantic love but it doesn't mean that I never loved them. Thats why it hurt, because I did love them, whether I truly FELL in love with them or if it was just a feeling of manque d'affection.
Anyway, I'm starting to figure out my love life so much more, and I feel good about that.
Even if one day I get into any car accident (God forbid, but hey it might happen), I want to have lived in such a way that I would have glorified God and loved others so much that my life would have been like being a pastor, even if I don't realize that dream of being an official pastor because of any accident or whatever.
And then, the second hit. I realized that my family is like that, they give me true love. Yet I never realized it because I was out looking for love in a boy. And it made me feel grateful that I have family and friends who love me no matter what. What more can I ask for?
If I'm ever going to date another guy though, I pray it will be someone like this guy Chris Medina in this video and the way he loved his girlfriend and never gave up on her...
Oh yeah and another thing... I posted a few days ago that I might not have fallen in love with anybody except for Jeff because all the other guys that came after were "loved" and attracted to because I had a "manque d'affection" (feelingn like something in me is lacking affection). But someone in my class raised up their hand to talk about the French book that we got this theory from and she said "The narrator of the story never loved anyone" but the teacher corrected her, saying, "no, he did love, he just didnn't realize it until later."
So now I see that even though guys like Jong and Adrian I was probably attracted to because of my "manque d'affection", it doesn't mean I never loved them. I didn't fall in love with them (maybe, maybe not) like out of true romantic love but it doesn't mean that I never loved them. Thats why it hurt, because I did love them, whether I truly FELL in love with them or if it was just a feeling of manque d'affection.
Anyway, I'm starting to figure out my love life so much more, and I feel good about that.
Even if one day I get into any car accident (God forbid, but hey it might happen), I want to have lived in such a way that I would have glorified God and loved others so much that my life would have been like being a pastor, even if I don't realize that dream of being an official pastor because of any accident or whatever.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
i am wide awake and i think that staring at this computer isnt going to help me sleep but i just cant get my mind off of things that happened in the past, things that were said, memories that were shared and life that has happened. i wish i could say i am fully over Adrian but i am not, and these feelings for another guy right now are also interfering and i wonder if any guy will ever accept me for who i am and love me for who i am and accept what i did in the past
i remember that i should love myself first, because if i cannot love myself i cannot expect others to love me. but right now im having trouble loving myself and things are not really going anywhere, just my mind going round and round in circles.
i remember that i should love myself first, because if i cannot love myself i cannot expect others to love me. but right now im having trouble loving myself and things are not really going anywhere, just my mind going round and round in circles.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Des voeux et ce que je me suis rendue compte...
C'est la troisième fois que j'écoute ce petit vidéo. La musique est calmante et le vidéo est très bien fait... très artistique et ça évoque de beaux sentiments. J'ai vraiment envie de voyager.
Aujourd'hui j'ai eu la chance de parler avec un vieux ami, Gary WK, un ami de mon école secondaire. Il m'a dit que son but c'est de visiter au moins 50 pays. Il a déjà visité 38 ou qqch.
Incroyable. Il m'a dit que notre amie d'école secondaire Janet est allée en Afrique (la Côte d'Ivoire) pour enseigner l'anglais. Je suis si jalouse... je n'ai même pas quitté l'Amérique du Nord et je n'ai même pas visité le pays d'origine de mes parents (la Chine).
Puis, après mon cours de français, deux filles m'ont demandé ce que je vais faire après la graduation. J'ai dit que j'irai au séminaire faire ma maîtrise dans l'étude de la Bible mais que je prendrai une année de pause. Quand elles ont entendu ça, elles ont automatiquement pensé à une année de pause dans laquelle j'allais voyager.
Je crois que je vais voyager un peu mais... j'ai pas assez d'argent pour faire un grand voyage. Et puis j'ai besoin de gagner et d'économiser d'argent. En plus, j'ai beaucoup de "commitments" (beaucoup d'engagements) avec mon église et je ne peux pas quitter Toronto pour plus qu'une semaine à la fois, je crois...
Je ne regrette pas avoir pris ces engagements. Mais j'espère voyager plus un jour.
En lisant le livre "Le Vieux Chagrin" pour mon cours de français, je me suis rendue compte que tout le monde désire l'affection. Quelquefois dans la vie on confond le désir d'avoir de l'affection avec le sentiment d'être amoureux. Le narrateur du roman "Le Vieux Chagrin" avait un sentiment de tendresse avec sa femme mais il n'a jamais été amoureux d'elle.
C'est la même chose avec moi. J'ai le désir d'avoir de l'affection alors je me colle ou je poursuive des gars qui ont des qualités ou des caractéristiques que j'aime. Mais je ne suis pas vraiment amoureux d'eux. Même pas Adrian, parce que c'était plutôt l'amour réciproque. Je ne sais pas si j'ai jamais été vraiment amoureuse. Peut-être que j'ai été amoureuse mais maintenant je le questionne. A cause du livre "Le Vieux Chagrin".
Il se peut que... j'ai gaspillé beaucoup de temps avec des gars avec lesquels je n'étais pas vraiment amoureux. Il se peut que j'étais vraiment seulement amoureux avec Jeff (le premier) et puis après lui, c'était seulement la manque d'affection qui m'a poussée à aimer les autres gars dans ma vie.
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