Dear God,

This year (2013) has been the worst year in terms of emergencies, stress, and problems.  I really pray that this does not continue onto the new 2014 year.  I'm so tired, and even Chris told me he is starting to get stressed seeing me so stressed.  Please God, please make 2014 smoother.  With Golda she is very fragile but please help me to discern my boundaries, not blame myself, and be there for her in a healthy way.  Please help her to become more independent and find other help not just me.

God, please help me to heal from the past year's pain and hurt.  I really also want my relationship with Chris to be happy, even though he is going away for 3 months for work.  Please help me to say yes when I should say yes, say no when I should say no.  Help me to emotionally detach myself from drama when it arises (but hopefully they don't arise), and help my friends to stop causing drama.

Help me to grow spiritually please Lord, I want to grow closer to  you.  Help me to stay calm and grounded, and live a life that uses every minute the way you want me to, so that I am doing something meaningful, restful, or long lasting.  Give me wisdom to live my life please.

Thanks for listening to my prayer

Martine

Dedicated to my friends who passed away this year...

People say, "Leave your problems in the past." Well, where is the past? Is it some nether world between time and eternity? No. The past is in us. The only way we can leave the pain or sin from our past is to face it with Christ. For the past cannot be forgotten, it can only be forgiven and redeemed.

Francis Frangipane

Fragile

Can't believe I was crying because somebody let me down by not completing making a flyer.  I'm so fragile... how can I be stronger?

Latest update on my love life

I had a bit of a down today when Julie Cho invited me to my old church's christmas play.  I felt down because I really do miss them but it seems like none of them miss me.  But I dont know if Julie invited me cuz she was just randomly clicking ppl on facebook or if she really wanted me there.  In any case, if I go there I might get emotional and so Golda suggested I don't go.  Plus I am busy that day anyways.

A difficult call with Stan also triggered my anger and frustration and after that, I went a little downhill thinking bad stuff and giving myself negative reality checks.  I texted Chris Ko and he came early to pick me up from school even though class didn't end yet.  I wasn't concentrating anyway so I left class early to talk to him.  I cried a little in class but I didn't cry in front of Chris.  He was just so comforting.  He told me he did think it through with moving to Montreal in the future, his company has offices in Montreal.  He told me he loved me and he wished he met me sooner.

We listened to salvation army christmas music, talked, and just sat around in the car.  He was very soft, gentle, comforting, and made me happy.

Official, but not super official

Yesterday, Sunday December 1st, 2013, Chris Ko and I went on our first official first date.  We went to church together (all day, both churches, he didn't feel like it was too much), then went to P-mall to walk around, then ate at City Hollywood Cafe near Pmall, and then went to Unionville to walk around and look at Christmas lights.

I'm starting to feel much more comfortable around him, my doubts are gone, it feels right, and I am thankful for him.  I don't mind that he is not good looking in the world's standards, to me, he is cute and handsome.  I don't mind that he is not a "strong" Christian, just his willingness to learn and come to church is good enough for me.  He is not doing anything wrong to me anyways.

We decided to make it Dec. 1st, easy to remember, as our day to celebrate future anniversaries.  Our parents don't know yet, neither does my sister, but my close friends know, including you guys reading here.  (sorry that I could not tell you in person first!  I was so busy with everything)

What I like about Chris Ko is that he is so calm, flexible, easygoing, generous, kind, helpful, and a good listener.  He is gentle, quiet but not too quiet, introverted (but not antisocial), and drives well.  Yes, he is a race car driver... but he doesn't race on the streets.

My life is happy right now.  I finished all my essays and just have one more class tomorrow.  Then I can start doing more work for my two church jobs (gotta catch up on the work) and meet up with friends like you!

Update

It happened pretty fast... he confessed his love last Sunday, and I told him I didn't want to date yet, but actions spoke louder than words, I started acting like a girlfriend around him and today we established that we are dating officially as of today.  I wish I had time to introduce him to cell group first and have them grill him first but Golda already grilled him and lifegroup already knows him and some of them were telling me that he and I are good together... so yeah, I went ahead, knowing that he wasn't a strong Christian, but hey, he gave me a lot of care and attention, and showed himself to be a great person throughout all the tough times that lifegroup had over the past few weeks.  So I accepted.

You probably can sense some hesitation.  And yes I do have a bit of hesitation.  It's hard to believe Chris Ko actually doesn't mind that I want to go to Montreal and be a missionary.  Does he really know what he's getting into?  He is open to learning more about Christianity but he still needs time to figure out what the differences are between Protestant and Catholic.  Ideally I should have waited until he figured that out before dating him.  But we already started.  It's hard to stop once both parties know they like each other.  Am I settling for less? Maybe.  But compared to all the other boyfriends I had in the past, he is so much better.  He isn't exactly good looking or hot or whatever but I do have feelings for him.  And no he cannot read this... I am not ready to share my blog with him yet.

I have two more days of school and then I have more time to hang out and talk with my friends about it.  It should have happened the other way around but it's too late now.  At first I had a lot of doubts but now that I'm with him I feel very comfortable and he calms me down so much that I have no room left for fear.  Golda told me to just have faith and trust.  Not to doubt.  Because God can do something great if I just believe.  I do feel peace about it, not like with Christos.  Oh by the way, I blocked Christos, he was getting annoying.  I cannot keep him as a friend anymore.