Dear friends,
I am happy to tell you that right now I feel free, unburdened, and ready for a new start. I am no longer fearing that I will fail school. I am no longer trying to bear all my friends' burdens. I am no longer crying about past hurts especially regarding my parents and past romantic relationships. No more of that. I have chosen to once and for all confess everything to God, and keep dialoguing with Him if any other troubles or hurts come my way. But I am healed!
No, don't get me wrong, I am not going to say that I am fully healed from bipolar. I am still going to take my medication, see the psychiatrist, and see the counselor. I may not be healed from bipolar but at the same time I can live as a bipolar person who is not tied down by the negative effects and causes of bipolar. I may still struggle but now I have a way to cope better with my pain rather than hurting myself or hurting others. I have learned to forgive. Forgive my parents, forgive myself, and let go of all my feelings to God.
All this happened because I finallly decided to go to the healing conference which I wanted to go 2 years ago. After going through this experience I hope that others can find healing like I did. The past 2 years I couldn't go because I felt I needed to do church work and no one could replace me. But this time around, by God's grace, other people were taking care of the youth on Friday night and Saturday I postponed the church leaders meeting. So I was free to go.
This healing conference is not like those things you see on TV. Not Benny Hinn, not those people trying to make money or make you fall down on the floor or buy magic handkerchiefs. No, this one was fully led by the Holy Spirit and they were basing their teachings on the Bible and personal experiences with God. The prayer team was trained in listening to God, they received pictures and words that spoke directly to my situation although they did not know what was going on in my heart. It's not psychic, it's not telling the future, it's just telling me the truth about myself and that God cares.
In the conference they talked about bondages, wounds, sins, and enemy strongholds. Satan uses trauma in our lives, usually related to family problems, to make us vulnerable to demonic attacks. But good news is we can be free if we go to God about everything, all our problems, He wants a relationship with us, not just a servant working. God sees us as His children that He wants to restore and bring healing and wholeness to. In fact this whole healing conference was called "Wholeness in Christ". Christ has borne all our pains and wounds, by His wounds we are healed. We just need to believe and give it all to Him.
At this conference I realized I never forgave my mom for being controlling and I never forgave my dad for the lack of affection. Now I have forgiven them. I also realized that I had fallen into a pattern of self-medicating through romantic relationships and being "busy" doing "work for the Lord". My need for approval played out through trying to do these things. I never realized until now that God is proud of me even before I did anything for Him.
God showed me that my parents were being the way they are because of stuff that happened in the past. My mom was controlling because when I was born she had a nightmare that somebody stole her baby (me). So that's why she always has this fear of losing me. That's where she started to want to always control the situation. Also because I always fell sick when I was young, so that's why my mom is overprotective. With my dad he always was the only one providing for the family. He felt that work equaled love. That's why I also decided to work hard and that's how I show my love to parents and God. But God doesn't see work as same thing as love. In fact He rather spend a day with me doing nothing except talking or just spending the time doing anything together.
The first night (yesterday, aka Friday), I came with a lot of expectation and burden. I knew that something special was going to happen and that this was going to be a good and healing experience. But I knew that I had to deal with a lot of my issues and so I prayed and cried during the singing time. Slowly as the healing conference went on, I felt less and less burden as I prayed and gave up everything to God.
People all around the world were praying for us. Even before the conference, they were praying and as they prayed for my name, one of the prayer team people got a picture from God. It was the picture of a big potted plant with lots of dead leaves but the top leaves were new and growing. It represented an old way of living that was decaying and a new way of living to be taken place. For you guys reading this you may think it's totally random or weird, but for me it totally makes sense. You won't know what I am talking about unless you get a prophecy that speaks directly to your situation. Basically it's a metaphor that speaks to your life and helps you know that God loves you and knows your situation.
I feel like finally I can break out of the cycle of trying to find satisfaction in guys. I know I've said this before but this time I really feel the freedom, because this time I dealt with the root issues and have forgiven. In the past I would force myself into thinking that I am happy single when I'm actually not, and still hold on to the past hurts. But now I fully let go.
I prayed so much today and others prayed for me too, and I felt freedom. It all comes down to "owning" up to your sin, acknowledging your sins and realizing you have been believing a lie from Satan. The truth sets you free and Jesus is the truth. You may not come to this realization until you are ready to face it. In fact, I was skeptical and lying to myself this whole time. It wasn't until I was ready that I received this healing. Pastor Fiona said she was proud of me. I am not hanging on to her approval but I am glad she said that because I do look up to her and she was the one who was trying to get me to pray through my issues all this time. I finally did it.
The new song in my heart is one of joy and love. God didn't just give other people (the prayer team) pictures. God also gave me three pictures... here they are:
1) Going deeper with God, represented by a picture of a scuba diver diving down to get treasure. A shark comes, representing Satan, but the shark is blocked by an invisible wall. The diver (me) goes deep into the bottom and finds a treasure. This represents me having a deeper relationship with God and finally finding the treasure that He has in store for me.
2) I am being sucked into a black hole, spinning vaccum but before I reach the hole Jesus pulls me out. This represents my cycle of despair and broken relationships. Before anything worse happens, Jesus is pulling me out of that right now.
3) A simple heart shape with the word "joy" inside. This is my new song. Joy in my heart, and love. I will sing over myself "Jesus lover of my soul, Jesus you will never let me go, You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and now I know, I love you, I need you, though my world may fall I'll never let you go. My savior, my closest friend, I will worship you until the very end".
There is no trick to receiving words and pictures from God. A person just needs to be open to the Holy Spirit, spend quiet time listening, and if it's truly from God you will know 100% that it is. Practice listening and if you get nothing, it's OK, God is still there with you.
No more workaholism. No more attachment to boys. No more believing the lies. Thanks to Jesus Christ, I am now free. If sin comes and entangles me again, I will say, Jesus has set me free, nothing formed against me shall stand, and God is my victory.
