There were many days when I wanted to post on my blog but I didn't because I told myself I needed to study. But I feel that I need to write because yesterday I had a breakdown where I was crying because I stopped believing that I could do well in my course, in fact I wanted to give up trying, and felt like I had lost hope.  I never got a C before in Bible school and this course is just getting harder and harder.  I lost motivation and Hebrew grammar is just really difficult, so many exceptions and changes in vowels, it's very confusing.

In the morning I was praying with William and I was fine but in the evening somehow I lost faith again.  And on top of that I started missing Christos and feeling like I needed him again.  I had thought that I was completely over him and I was actually feeling fine being a single, but somehow I reverted back to the same feelings and wantings.

Even when I felt like I was over him, I still loved him more than I loved any other guy in this world.  Even as a friend I loved him more than anyone else.  I still think of him day and night and pray for him and all that.  I just really want him to be well, and talking to him makes me happy.  We still talk practically every day.

He encouraged me to keep trying and that I will be ok.  Somehow his words meant so much to me.  I feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't mind.

I didn't tell anyone this before, but last week Tuesday, Christos and I met up alone in the morning.  We held each other close and somehow I felt very at peace and very happy.  That's when I knew I still loved him.  But it's something we said we would never do again, because it felt like we were acting once again like boyfriend and girlfriend.  I almost kissed him, was very close to it.  I keep thinking back to that day.  Somehow I treasure those moments very much.

But life goes on, and I eventually will have to move on from this.  I don't know how long I will hold on.  For now, I have to focus on passing Hebrew.

By the way, Jeff replied back.  He said he wouldn't want to meet up but he is ok with talking on facebook.  I was ok with that. 

A beautiful testimony...please watch! :)

A letter to Jeff

A few weeks back forgot exactly when, I had a dream that I was friends with Jeff again and it made me happy. When I woke up I realized I must have dreamed the dream because I really wish he and I stayed friends.  I never really got over that first breakup, in fact, it set me off on a chain of unfortunate events where I dated guys that were not right for me, trying to fill the hole that Jeff left in my heart.

Today I met up with a girl from Charis and even though she is gr. 12 she is so much more mature than me in terms of relationship issues.  She said maybe I should try talking to Jeff again.  So I wrote Jeff a letter and added him back as a friend on facebook.  He added me back but didnt reply even though I know he saw the letter (facebook tells you if he saw it).  Here is the letter, and also below is a song that reminds me of how I feel and what happened with me and Jeff... and also the motorcycle reminds me of Christos :)

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• Conversation démarrée aujourd’hui
• 

  15:07

  Martine Lee

  Dear Jeff,
  

  Hi, how are you? It has been a long time.

  First of all, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am not messaging you because I want to get back with you and date you. I know you have moved on with your life. I know you also had your reasons for not speaking with me for so many years. I do not hold it against you and even if you choose not to speak to me now, I don't mind.

  I am messaging you because I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and just have a friendly catchup chat. I just want to hear what you have been doing all these years. After all these years I still remember you and you still have a special place in my heart. I don't know if I ever got over it but I don't have any romantic feelings for you if that's what you're wondering. When I say I don't know if I ever got over it, I guess I mean I never really got over the fact that my parents got me to break up with you. I never really got over that, that painful feeling of losing a wonderful friendship.

  I guess what I really mean is I still wish we could be friends. I thought I was over it but just two weeks ago I had a dream where I dreamt that I was friends with you. We were smiling and talking again. That was pretty much the dream.

  I'm sorry for hurting you in the past. I hope you have forgiven me. If not I still ask for your forgiveness now. I know things will never ever be the same but if you don't mind, we can at least have one face to face chat.  I would be very happy.

  Thank you Jeff, for all that you taught me. I hope life goes well for you.

  Thanks for reading this,

  Your sister in Christ, Martine

  
  

  
  

Sigh of relief

Last night I was up making myself hyper, and when I got to lifegroup today I was really hyper, hypomanic.  It was alright except that Gloria had to prevent me from being too stupid because I was still in love with Christos and I was starting to get too close to him.  But anyways it's all good right now, him and I are good friends again, no bitterness, just smiles and laughs.  I was able to talk to him normally happily and it was as if nothing changed, except that we werent going out.  He told me to get over him because he wants us to be friends, and I said I will.  I hugged him for a long time... when no one was watching.  It felt good and I wanted to just keep hugging him forever but I knew that that wasn't smart.  By the end of the night my hyperness wore off and I think I can control myself around him now.  I am glad that he came to lifegroup and that he learned more about what we believe in.

Quick update

I'm feeling much better, no longer angry, apparently Gloria helped me to convince Christos that I didn't lie.  He and I are not texting anymore and I am not going to hang out with him unless its at church with the group.  I hope he comes today and I will be OK to see him.  I just came back from Julio's graduation and it went well, was happy to see him.  I am now working on Hebrew, I will be happy if I get a C- in this course because it is impossible to memorize everything, it is so much harder than Hebrew part 1 and it is definitely not my only priority in life so I cannot drop all my friends or church to study.  There are people in need and sometimes I have to think of others before myself because when I stand in heaven I know God won't care about my Hebrew mark, He will care that I tried my best and also took care of the people around me and did the church work which I also love.