Love is always a rough road...
Just look at what drove Jesus to die on the cross for us... it was love.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
My soul is free
In Jesus, I am free
In Jesus, I am loved
In Jesus, I am whole
Jesus broke the chains, I'm His forever
In Jesus, I find peace
In Jesus, I find comfort
In Jesus, I find myself
Jesus' sacrifice healed my wounds
God I want to give everything to You
Your will be done in me
Your will be done in my family
in my relationships
God I praise You because You are Great
Thank You for making me Yours
In Jesus, I am loved
In Jesus, I am whole
Jesus broke the chains, I'm His forever
In Jesus, I find peace
In Jesus, I find comfort
In Jesus, I find myself
Jesus' sacrifice healed my wounds
God I want to give everything to You
Your will be done in me
Your will be done in my family
in my relationships
God I praise You because You are Great
Thank You for making me Yours
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
After talking with Rita
Today I was blessed to have the chance to talk and pray with my mentor Rita. I think I haven't seen her for two months because this was the first time I told her about Christos. Rita didn't rebuke me, she didn't pressure me, but she gave me her opinion. She told me that my perspective on dating has changed since the last time I talked with her. Of course in Jan. I was still thinking about dating Selig so I wanted a guy who would be in Montreal in the future. I wanted someone who was really close with God and someone who is good at evangelism.
Rita said that it's my choice but she thinks that in my head I know what's the right thing to do theoretically (honor parents, choose a guy who is more suitable) but right now I am following my heart and emotions. I agree with her. She said that Christos is not the most suitable guy for me for marriage. I already knew that. She understands though, because in the past she dated a non christian guy and they broke up and got back together again but eventually broke up. Not that Christos is a non Christian but she is using it as an analogy.
I told her that part of me hopes that Christos will change so that he would become a more suitable marriage partner but it would take a lot for him to change so I am not going to count on it. I told her that both me and Christos know that as of right now, this relationship is a short term relationship.
Talking with Rita did not give me any pressure, which I liked, because I want to think for myself. After I got home, I started thinking about the relationship again. Because Rita says she thinks that I went into the relationship because parents and friends were giving me pressure and Christos was where I could find positivity, affirmation, and comfort. I agree with her. I do find all those things in Christos.
But what I am questioning now is... does that mean I'm using Christos as a crutch? Sure, I am not using him to fill a hole that Tommy left per se but yeah I am looking to him for affirmation and positivity. It's a role that God is supposed to fill and I have been telling myself during this time that God was giving me all that THROUGH Christos. But doesn't that mean that Christos is a crutch that I'm leaning on?
Thinking about this further, if I leaned on God alone rather than Christos, would that mean that God is my crutch? I'm thinking aloud here. Some non Christians would say that Christians hold onto God as a crutch. I disagree with that. God is the ultimate source of strength, so if He is a crutch then He is a Thousand Foot Crutch (like the christian band is named). God is more like a pillar, not a crutch.
But maybe I am using Christos as a crutch to walk to the pillar???
As I said, I am thinking aloud as I write this. Is it wrong to depend on someone for love and affirmation? We all need love and affirmation from people, not just God, right? But would I get stronger if I threw away the Christos crutch? Or would I just fall down???
If Christos is a crutch, for the sake of metaphor, then he is a willing crutch. He wants to be there for me. On one hand, he is not making me get any closer to God because he himself is not closer to God than me. But he doesn't hinder me from God either, he encourages me and wants to come to church and stuff. So ideally he is not the best husband because he is not making me grow but shouldn't growth come from within anyways? He is encouraging the growth although he is not really doing anything to further the growth. Like a moral support. He doesn't replace God in my life.
Well how about me in relation to Christos? I think you could say that I am his crutch too then. Cuz I'm the one who is helping him become a better Christian, he said this himself. He said that he is becoming more protestant and he finds himself much happier after being with me. He told me I am the first real Christian girl he ever dated and he loves me more than anyone else in this world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend so far and he has never been happier in his entire life. Is that supposed to mean something?
Christos said that if I hypothetically met a good Christian guy who was Chinese and wanted to become a pastor in Montreal, and if that guy asked me out, Christos would let me go if that other guy was what I really wanted. Christos said he wants me to pursue my dream and he wouldn't make me stay in Toronto just so that I could be with him. Christos is not selfish like that.
I just wonder though, if that hypothetical good chinese christian montreal guy would find it weird that I dated Christos for a short term relationship. As Andrew Chao said, would that hurt the guy, that I dated Christos? So complicated. I don't know. All I know is that if I break up with Christos now, it hurts me and Christos. I don't know who the heck the hypothetical guy is going to be and it's hard to imagine hurting an imaginary guy that I don't know. I'm not trying to be mean but if I don't know who my future husband is, I am not trying to hurt him, I am just making a choice that I feel is right for me right now.
What Karen the counselor said still gives me some hope. She said we don't know what will happen in the future and Christos might end up growing more and wanting to go to Montreal for all I know. Its a stretch but it does give me hope. Am I wrong to hope like this? It's only been about 2 months and I still got 3 years before I graduate. Is it really that bad to date someone of a lower spiritual level than me? He's not like Adrian pressuring me into sex and whatever, and I am more mature now, I can stand strong on boundaries and grow spiritually.
God, please give me wisdom. I don't want to pray for direction and then not be willing to move. And if You really want me to break up with Christos one day I want You to be the main voice telling me what to do, and I want You to make it a peaceful breakup, like I would want both me and Christos to be at peace with it. Only You can be my judge. I don't want to lie to my parents but I feel like this is a choice that I have to hide at the moment in order to live a happy life. I'm sorry.
Rita said that it's my choice but she thinks that in my head I know what's the right thing to do theoretically (honor parents, choose a guy who is more suitable) but right now I am following my heart and emotions. I agree with her. She said that Christos is not the most suitable guy for me for marriage. I already knew that. She understands though, because in the past she dated a non christian guy and they broke up and got back together again but eventually broke up. Not that Christos is a non Christian but she is using it as an analogy.
I told her that part of me hopes that Christos will change so that he would become a more suitable marriage partner but it would take a lot for him to change so I am not going to count on it. I told her that both me and Christos know that as of right now, this relationship is a short term relationship.
Talking with Rita did not give me any pressure, which I liked, because I want to think for myself. After I got home, I started thinking about the relationship again. Because Rita says she thinks that I went into the relationship because parents and friends were giving me pressure and Christos was where I could find positivity, affirmation, and comfort. I agree with her. I do find all those things in Christos.
But what I am questioning now is... does that mean I'm using Christos as a crutch? Sure, I am not using him to fill a hole that Tommy left per se but yeah I am looking to him for affirmation and positivity. It's a role that God is supposed to fill and I have been telling myself during this time that God was giving me all that THROUGH Christos. But doesn't that mean that Christos is a crutch that I'm leaning on?
Thinking about this further, if I leaned on God alone rather than Christos, would that mean that God is my crutch? I'm thinking aloud here. Some non Christians would say that Christians hold onto God as a crutch. I disagree with that. God is the ultimate source of strength, so if He is a crutch then He is a Thousand Foot Crutch (like the christian band is named). God is more like a pillar, not a crutch.
But maybe I am using Christos as a crutch to walk to the pillar???
As I said, I am thinking aloud as I write this. Is it wrong to depend on someone for love and affirmation? We all need love and affirmation from people, not just God, right? But would I get stronger if I threw away the Christos crutch? Or would I just fall down???
If Christos is a crutch, for the sake of metaphor, then he is a willing crutch. He wants to be there for me. On one hand, he is not making me get any closer to God because he himself is not closer to God than me. But he doesn't hinder me from God either, he encourages me and wants to come to church and stuff. So ideally he is not the best husband because he is not making me grow but shouldn't growth come from within anyways? He is encouraging the growth although he is not really doing anything to further the growth. Like a moral support. He doesn't replace God in my life.
Well how about me in relation to Christos? I think you could say that I am his crutch too then. Cuz I'm the one who is helping him become a better Christian, he said this himself. He said that he is becoming more protestant and he finds himself much happier after being with me. He told me I am the first real Christian girl he ever dated and he loves me more than anyone else in this world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend so far and he has never been happier in his entire life. Is that supposed to mean something?
Christos said that if I hypothetically met a good Christian guy who was Chinese and wanted to become a pastor in Montreal, and if that guy asked me out, Christos would let me go if that other guy was what I really wanted. Christos said he wants me to pursue my dream and he wouldn't make me stay in Toronto just so that I could be with him. Christos is not selfish like that.
I just wonder though, if that hypothetical good chinese christian montreal guy would find it weird that I dated Christos for a short term relationship. As Andrew Chao said, would that hurt the guy, that I dated Christos? So complicated. I don't know. All I know is that if I break up with Christos now, it hurts me and Christos. I don't know who the heck the hypothetical guy is going to be and it's hard to imagine hurting an imaginary guy that I don't know. I'm not trying to be mean but if I don't know who my future husband is, I am not trying to hurt him, I am just making a choice that I feel is right for me right now.
What Karen the counselor said still gives me some hope. She said we don't know what will happen in the future and Christos might end up growing more and wanting to go to Montreal for all I know. Its a stretch but it does give me hope. Am I wrong to hope like this? It's only been about 2 months and I still got 3 years before I graduate. Is it really that bad to date someone of a lower spiritual level than me? He's not like Adrian pressuring me into sex and whatever, and I am more mature now, I can stand strong on boundaries and grow spiritually.
God, please give me wisdom. I don't want to pray for direction and then not be willing to move. And if You really want me to break up with Christos one day I want You to be the main voice telling me what to do, and I want You to make it a peaceful breakup, like I would want both me and Christos to be at peace with it. Only You can be my judge. I don't want to lie to my parents but I feel like this is a choice that I have to hide at the moment in order to live a happy life. I'm sorry.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
This really spoke to me
Psalm 25
A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, I give my life to you.
2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.
2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.
4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.
7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.
point out the road for me to follow.
5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.
7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.
8 The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
9 He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.
10 The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.
he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
9 He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.
10 The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.
11 For the honor of your name, O Lord,
forgive my many, many sins.
12 Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
13 They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land.
14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
He teaches them his covenant.
15 My eyes are always on the Lord,
for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.
forgive my many, many sins.
12 Who are those who fear the Lord?
He will show them the path they should choose.
13 They will live in prosperity,
and their children will inherit the land.
14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
He teaches them his covenant.
15 My eyes are always on the Lord,
for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.
16 Turn to me and have mercy,
for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse.
Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me,
for I put my hope in you.
for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse.
Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have
and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me,
for I put my hope in you.
22 O God, ransom Israel
from all its troubles.
from all its troubles.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Rejoice, Martine :)
Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.
Zechariah 9:9
--------------------------
After Christos came back into my life, I felt so happy and free again. Being with him makes me happy and free and it makes me want to serve God even more as a result. Sometimes you have to make a decision. Who are you going to listen to? Who are you going to serve? What makes God happier?
For me, I never got any sign from God that I should break up with Christos. It was always people's opinions and pressures. They mean well, but they don't know how I feel. And I feel that being with Christos right now serves God. I am not missionary dating. He is already Christian. But I am bringing him to church which serves God and he supports me in my mission even though he is not going there.
I need to rejoice. I don't need to be perfect even though I am striving to be, but God wants me to be joyful and thankful. God doesn't want me to enter into sin but He knows what is good for me and I will follow what makes me follow Him. Hard to explain but it makes sense in my mind.
Christos loves me. I feel the love of God flow through him. And I am not in this relationship because I am selfish or trying to fill a hole in my heart. enough of that. I am just wanting to love him and love God. I'll let God tell me what to do with my life.
I am good because God helped me be good. I am beautiful because God loves me and made me. I don't need criticism. I just need encouragement.
Zechariah 9:9
--------------------------
After Christos came back into my life, I felt so happy and free again. Being with him makes me happy and free and it makes me want to serve God even more as a result. Sometimes you have to make a decision. Who are you going to listen to? Who are you going to serve? What makes God happier?
For me, I never got any sign from God that I should break up with Christos. It was always people's opinions and pressures. They mean well, but they don't know how I feel. And I feel that being with Christos right now serves God. I am not missionary dating. He is already Christian. But I am bringing him to church which serves God and he supports me in my mission even though he is not going there.
I need to rejoice. I don't need to be perfect even though I am striving to be, but God wants me to be joyful and thankful. God doesn't want me to enter into sin but He knows what is good for me and I will follow what makes me follow Him. Hard to explain but it makes sense in my mind.
Christos loves me. I feel the love of God flow through him. And I am not in this relationship because I am selfish or trying to fill a hole in my heart. enough of that. I am just wanting to love him and love God. I'll let God tell me what to do with my life.
I am good because God helped me be good. I am beautiful because God loves me and made me. I don't need criticism. I just need encouragement.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
How do you know you really love someone?
People say, YOU JUST KNOW. Well you know what??? NO YOU DON'T.
There is such a thing as a crush, an infatuation, attraction, idealization, a love of oneself, a love for attention, a rebound, a psychological traumatic fear turned into love, reciprocal love, and just plain confusion.
You need to really THINK and ANALYSE to figure out if you really loved someone.
Let me analyze...
JEFF (gr. 8-10)-- I would say that I really loved Jeff. First it started out as friendship love, then became crush, then became romantic love. I wanted to marry him. He had qualities that I liked. But somehow I didn't know HOW to love, because he was my first love and I didn't have the right communication skills. Long story short, I knew I loved him because it took me three years to get over him. Three years later when I was in the hospital, he was the first person I wanted to visit me.
JONG (1st year university, 2nd semester)-- I never REALLY dated Jong but I considered it a romantic relationship because it took me a long time to get over him too. I would say it was attraction and idealization. I thought he was the one because he was a good christian or so it seemed. I fell for him, but I really didn't know him that well. So I would say it wasn't truly love either.
LEWIS (summer after Jong)-- rebound and attraction. Nuff said. It didn't hurt me at all after I broke it off. I knew he wasn't worth it, he was just an easy target as I was trying to get over Jong.
ROSCOE (Christmas after Lewis til the following spring) -- Psychological traumatic fear turned into love. He was a criminal for horror's sake and he did something horrible. I had pity on him and talked with him. I was fearful and psychologically turned the fear into love. I was going crazy. I didn't really love him.
ADRIAN (summer after Roscoe til the following summer) -- He was a friend since gr. 8 and I missed him because he cut off contact for one year. I missed him so much that I decided to write him a card telling him I loved him. So really I loved him deeply as a friend, not as a lover, at least at first. Then because he asked me out I felt reciprocal love and decided to return his love. Slowly I sort of fell in love but not completely because I remember during my dating time with Adrian I considered dating Ronson instead. And with Adrian I know I made love with him but that was more out of lust and pleasing him and getting sucked into his dirty world. It hurt like hell afterwards because of the sexual connection so I guess you could say I did love him but at the same time it was not perfect love.
TOMMY (around 2 years after I broke up with Adrian) -- idealization and reciprocal love, I barely knew him, I just knew he liked me and he was in Montreal so I thought it would fit with my future mission. After the breakup I became devastated and sad but I think it was more because of how he treated me after the breakup and the fact that my parents broke it off. And that my idealization was crushed.
CHRISTOS (right now) -- first I got attracted to him because of lust, then as I got to know him I admired him and liked certain qualities. But I didn't really know him that well so I actually started the relationship with him based on the fact that I was hyper. Then as time progressed I started having doubts whether this was the right thing and finally my parents broke it off. Then after the breakup I realized I actually did love him and wanted to be with him and it was not idealization because actually he did not want to go to Montreal. We got back together quickly and I loved hm more than before, this time for who he really was, his character and how he treated me. I question myself whether it was love for attention but I actually really love who he is as well, not just the attention. Then because of peer pressure and pressure from family I broke it off again. This time I was more depresed than the first breakup and I realized I can't live without him, at least I need him to be my friend. That's what showed me I really loved him.
Idealization may make me tempted to look elsewhere. But now it seems clear to me who I really loved.
There is such a thing as a crush, an infatuation, attraction, idealization, a love of oneself, a love for attention, a rebound, a psychological traumatic fear turned into love, reciprocal love, and just plain confusion.
You need to really THINK and ANALYSE to figure out if you really loved someone.
Let me analyze...
JEFF (gr. 8-10)-- I would say that I really loved Jeff. First it started out as friendship love, then became crush, then became romantic love. I wanted to marry him. He had qualities that I liked. But somehow I didn't know HOW to love, because he was my first love and I didn't have the right communication skills. Long story short, I knew I loved him because it took me three years to get over him. Three years later when I was in the hospital, he was the first person I wanted to visit me.
JONG (1st year university, 2nd semester)-- I never REALLY dated Jong but I considered it a romantic relationship because it took me a long time to get over him too. I would say it was attraction and idealization. I thought he was the one because he was a good christian or so it seemed. I fell for him, but I really didn't know him that well. So I would say it wasn't truly love either.
LEWIS (summer after Jong)-- rebound and attraction. Nuff said. It didn't hurt me at all after I broke it off. I knew he wasn't worth it, he was just an easy target as I was trying to get over Jong.
ROSCOE (Christmas after Lewis til the following spring) -- Psychological traumatic fear turned into love. He was a criminal for horror's sake and he did something horrible. I had pity on him and talked with him. I was fearful and psychologically turned the fear into love. I was going crazy. I didn't really love him.
ADRIAN (summer after Roscoe til the following summer) -- He was a friend since gr. 8 and I missed him because he cut off contact for one year. I missed him so much that I decided to write him a card telling him I loved him. So really I loved him deeply as a friend, not as a lover, at least at first. Then because he asked me out I felt reciprocal love and decided to return his love. Slowly I sort of fell in love but not completely because I remember during my dating time with Adrian I considered dating Ronson instead. And with Adrian I know I made love with him but that was more out of lust and pleasing him and getting sucked into his dirty world. It hurt like hell afterwards because of the sexual connection so I guess you could say I did love him but at the same time it was not perfect love.
TOMMY (around 2 years after I broke up with Adrian) -- idealization and reciprocal love, I barely knew him, I just knew he liked me and he was in Montreal so I thought it would fit with my future mission. After the breakup I became devastated and sad but I think it was more because of how he treated me after the breakup and the fact that my parents broke it off. And that my idealization was crushed.
CHRISTOS (right now) -- first I got attracted to him because of lust, then as I got to know him I admired him and liked certain qualities. But I didn't really know him that well so I actually started the relationship with him based on the fact that I was hyper. Then as time progressed I started having doubts whether this was the right thing and finally my parents broke it off. Then after the breakup I realized I actually did love him and wanted to be with him and it was not idealization because actually he did not want to go to Montreal. We got back together quickly and I loved hm more than before, this time for who he really was, his character and how he treated me. I question myself whether it was love for attention but I actually really love who he is as well, not just the attention. Then because of peer pressure and pressure from family I broke it off again. This time I was more depresed than the first breakup and I realized I can't live without him, at least I need him to be my friend. That's what showed me I really loved him.
Idealization may make me tempted to look elsewhere. But now it seems clear to me who I really loved.
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