Worries going on and off

Yesterday I was still worried and doubtful again about my relationship with Christos but after church I felt like my worries were all taken away.  It was as if God told me to leave the worries at the cross and then when I left church I felt like I was fine again.

But since today I was seeing the counselor at school I decided to tell her about my worries anyway to see what kind of perspective she would give me.  Unfortunately, after talking with her I am left with doubts again.

She said that I needed to think about why I started the relationship.  Was it to fill a hole in my heart?  Was it because I wanted attention?  Am I just doing that whole cycle again of trying to heal a past hurt by starting a new relationship?  To be honest, I didn't think about these questions when I started the relationship with Christos.  When I started the relationship I just wanted to be happy.  I was hyper, I wasn't thinking of all these things analytically.

I told Karen (the counselor) that I don't want to let him go.  And many of her questions I could not answer.  She asked me to think about the pros and cons of the relationship.  After listing out the pros, I felt like I was being selfish.

I don't know the answer anymore.  I was looking back at my old blog posts and it seems like I had the right perspective or at least seemed to when I started the relationship, and now I'm slowly losing it.  Maybe I need more time to pray about it and talk with Christos about it.  He told me not to think of these things but I feel like I need to get these worries resolved somehow.

Am I really trying to fill a hole?  Am I really trying to just get attention?  

Decision made

After praying about it and thinking about it, I have decided to leave children's ministry after May.  The future is unclear but I trust that God will provide.

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On another note, here is a song that I like:

Feeling better, but confused about job path

Hey friends,

Sorry if my last post worried you. I talked with Gloria about my relationship with Christos and I slept a whole lot more yesterday evening and last night so now I feel normal again and more clear-headed about the relationship.  I know that God gave me Christos for a reason and that right now I shouldn't worry too much about the future but to just be there for him and love him.  Not to think of the relationship as a stepping stone to something better and not to think of the relationship as using him or fooling around.  It's all about how you view the situation.  And I want to view it in a godly way.

As for my decision about job, I am still a bit confused right now but I'm sure I will have it figured out soon enough.  I really want to do outreach, what is stopping me is the job security, abandoning the kids, and whether or not it is the right time.  However I am leaning towards outreach, especially because of the dream of the church kids getting shot and the Luke 4 passage.  Pastor Fanco also talked with me and encouraged me to pursue what I believe would be my future calling which is outreach.

(I don't know what to name this post)

I don't know if I'm just still tired or what, but I feel more blah today.  I feel like everything that happened over the past week was a dream.  A good dream, but a dream.  It feels unreal.  I start to question do I really love Christos or do I really see a future with him, I start to wonder if I am a bad person for dating him, am I fooling around with his heart, am I this or that.  He really loves me, I can tell, and I don't want anything bad to happen.  He said one thing that annoys him is if I have doubts.  I don't know but I feel like these doubts are not going away.  I want to enjoy the relationship but maybe it's cuz I'm not used to someone loving me like this and also I'm not used to being in a relationship without thinking automatically about marriage.  Next week the bipolar mood is supposed to be depressed.  I hope I won't be depressed.  I'm already feeling too blah to smile right now, it's not good.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my times with Christos.  I feel happy when I'm with him.  I feel like I can be myself and I can share anything.  But I guess I'm just scared.

God, be the centre of our lives...

O Christ, be the centre of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the centre of our lives

We lift our eyes to heaven
We wrap our lives around your life
We lift our eyes to heaven
to You...
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Dear Jesus,

It is because of You that I live.  It is because of You that I met Gloria.  And through Gloria I found Christos, so ultimately it is because of You that I found him.  It is because of You that he somehow got the same day off during the week so that he could come to lifegroup, so that I could get to know him.  So it's because of You that we are together.

It wouldn't be fair, now, if after me and Christos entered into a relationship, that we would shut You my dear Jesus, out of the picture.  I know my boo don't feel comfortable praying out loud with me, and he has a different theology than mine.  But Jesus I pray that somehow You will be the centre of our relationship so that it will be a long lasting one.

Jesus, You are my first love.  You should be the glue that holds me and Christos together.  I pray that as me and Christos gaze into each others' eyes, we will see You inside of the other person and help each other grow.  I want to become more Christ-like as a result of this, I don't want it to become another sexual relationship.

Jesus, teach me how to love You first and love Christos second.  Help me to be submissive to You and Your Word.  Because I know that if I do that, I will be most happy.

Thanks for listening and giving me such a big blessing in my life.

In Your name, Amen

Private bubble

Please do NOT tell Mary or my parents.  They don't know I'm dating Christos and life at home is already pressured enough as it is. 

Love this song!! I'm stronger!!!