Thorns on my foot. :( ughhhhhhh

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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This Bible passage talks about some kind of thing that was bothering and paining Paul. we do not know what this "thorn" is but I guess it was intentionally vague so that we could all relate to it, whether this thorn is a demon bothering you or whether this thorn is a physical ailment or other struggle.

Right now I have two thorns on my foot. My right foot to be exact. My right boot that i bought for forty dollars started to have a hole inside the right heel area. (i accidentally typed "hell area" lol) And the hole revealed a Nail-like thing that dug into my right foot.

Gross huh? Well guess what, stupid me thought I could withstand this boot. I thought I could just shuffle my feet instead of putting weight on my heel. But guess what now I have a blister on both my right hell and my right ball of the foot. I can't even tip toe because it hurts like that.

So Satan is giving me right now a "thorn" on my foot (instead of side, like Paul) and i gotta say that God's grace is enough. I prayed for the blisters to go away but it aint working so maybe I should pray three times like Paul then give up??? well maybe thats not the point of the lesson but yeah i need to get a cushioned shoe or something. UGHHHH or a WHEEL CHAIR!!!!!

2 hours of sleep.

Hey guys, so i got two hours of sleep tonight. Man that felt short. I am very content right now and tired but another french vanilla at lunch will wake me up... ugh dont wanna get addicted though.

Yesterday at 3am I was still awake (in fact I was still awake until 5am) my mom told me to take another dose of bipolar medicine. I know im technically not supposed to increase my dose without my doctor's permission but i just obeyed her because its true that im going worse right now.

I'm surviving and doing well, don't worry, it's just the symptoms of bipolar are starting to affect me again. Sleepless nights with endless thinking and excitement. In some ways I enjoy having bipolar because of the happy states but its the depressions that i do not like.

Thank God that there were people praying for me. Thanks for caring guys. God bless.

Another sleepless (or little sleep? maybe?) night.

It is almost 5am right now and i didnt sleep. Maybe partially because I drank a medium french vanilla at dinner time and playing with the kids at church made me hyper but i think actually its my bipolar disorder acting up.

At dinner I felt like crying for a little bit and cried a little thinking about how i miss my old church. But i quickly prayed about it and the feeling was gone. Thank God i didnt delve into depression like it normally would have for bipolar.

I must be careful. I am going to see the doctor on Monday to ask a few things, hopefully my health can be better so i can serve God and read more bible and do school more effectively.

Thank God that i have many friends who care and pray for me. The prayers definitely help. :) thanks guys.

Jesus is my beauty mark

LYRICS:
What do you see when you look at me?
Ten dollar words and philosophies
How would you choose to define me
Cares for others or just cares what others think?
But there is more to me than just what meets the eye
It's time to be the change inside

I wanna' look like love
I wanna' look like, live like faith
I wanna' live this life in me showing my face
I wanna' look like hope
I wanna' look like, live like grace
And I know just where to start
I'll let you be my beauty mark

Looking the part just to play the game
Putting up a face that looks the same
They're just rockstars making a name
So shut your part it is a crying shame
But I'll put the finger on nobody else but me (Nobody else but me)
It's time to be the dreams we need

Not stopping Love and joy,
Peace and kindness
Gentleness and self control
Nothing, nothing is more beautiful
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahey
I wanna' look like love
I wanna' look like, live like faith
I wanna' live this life in me showing my face
I wanna' look like hope
I wanna' look like, live like grace
And I know just where to start
I'll let you be my beauty mark
I'm gona' let you be my beauty mark
Yeah, yeah, oh, oh
I wanna' look like hope (look like hope)
I wanna' look like, live like grace
And I know just where to start
I'll let you be my beauty mark
I'll let you be my beauty mark

Hyperactively excited

It's 4:29am right now. I am excited, hyper, thinking a lot, happy, and feeling like the most productive person in the world (ok maybe not but i feel pretty productive). It's another one of those hyperactive sleepless nights. Tomorrow I will run on no sleep with tons of energy, and it may last for another day or two before I crash and start going into depression (pray that it won't be that bad). What I'm going through right now is a very mild form of hypomania.

On the bright side, hypomania makes me happy. It makes me productive. I've already filled out all my health forms for the Montreal missions trip I will be going on. I've read a chapter in "When a Woman Meets Jesus" (great book by the way, all you girls should get a copy!), listened to like 3 albums worth of songs (Addison Road, the Afters, forgot what else), emailed Josh Mok about lifegroups next term, and did some mental planning for children's ministry.

I go through cycles in my bipolar life. Some weeks I want to just sleep and wish the world was over. Other times I'm very productive and happy. Other times I am sad and overwhelmed. It happens over and over again in a cycle.

Don't worry, im taking my medicine. It's just that medicine can't cure my disorder, it can only alleviate it. :P But yeah that's my sharing for tonight. I'm going to go do some work now, gotta contact some Quebec people about missions :D

Out with the new, in with the old

I recently realized that I don't like the me that I am becoming. I want the "old me" back. No, I am not talking about the old sinful me. I am talking about the bright, laughing, joyful, happy, generous, outgoing me that I used to be. Somewhere down this road of ministry overload, health problems, and whatnot, my attitude has changed to a grumpy, antisocial, numb individual and I do not like that. So let me compare the old me to the new me and please pray with me that I will go back to the good old me.

New me:

-antisocial, avoiding conversations with people
-all I want to do is sleep
-ministry has become a chore, no passion
-devos have become a chore
-prayers have become short
-facebook has become a time waster
-doesn't laugh at other peoples' jokes
-anxious, doesn't pay as much attention to people's sharing time
-dreads having to hear from friends' problems

Old me:

-outgoing, initiates conversations with people
-all I want to do is serve God
-ministry is a joy, a way to learn and enjoy myself
-devos are awesome, intimate times with God
-prayers are heartfelt, down on the knees
-facebook is a tool to evangelize and witness
-laughs at others jokes and my own jokes
-pays deep attention to others and cares deeply

Today is the start of the Old me. Well, the NEW OLD me. I want to become a better follower of christ and be a light to others. I will value my seminary education and read as much as I can. God please be with me as I journey once again through the valley and please help me to serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, soul, strength, and heart. God please also allow me times of rest and renewal. True rest, rest that is not just sleep and trying to wait around in dreamland but sleep that is for a purpose which is to regain energy in order to be your child and servant.

Please God please help me to find the perfect balance just like Jesus. Help me to pray passionate prayers and listen well and be a good role model. Please change me once again! I want to be revived! I want to be renewed for You!!! Thank you God and please forgive me of my sins! Change my attitude! Help me to seek your kingdom and your righteousness!!! Thanks and praise be to your name!!!

AMEN!!!

Two inspiring songs