UGH NOOOO

Ugh no today is again one of those days where im off and on so tired or stressed that I want to die/collapse. Dont worry im not gonna die. Just want to sleep it all out. It's so stressful because I sent Sam an email saying that if we could meet up to talk it would be good to clear up misunderstanding and Tom still has my stack of letters and I don't know whether or not Sam said anything to me. Kevin says he's being a child and I am just wanting to not care anymore but I end up caring too much anyway. I don't know what love is anymore... and after talking to Pastor Fiona I realize how much I obsess and attach myself to boys. It's not healthy at all. I pour my heart out when they are not even ready to receive it. And I mess myself up as a result. :(

Kevin says I should take care of myself more. Sigh. Yeah I should. And Pastor Fiona says I should have more fun in life, and actually LIVE. Not just volunteer, work, and do school like some hardworking person who doesn't have a life. AHHHH

I sometimes wish that I could take a big break. But mom doesnt want me to go anywhere this Christmas break. It's just going to be torture at home. Mental torture because whenever I stay at home too long, my mom and I clash heads. I really want to go to Montreal.

Today I cried a bit at my library job. I just felt so morbid, just so stressed and tired. And I just thought maybe Sam didn't care anymore. I thought about if I died today what would happen or what would be my last wish that's how morbid it became. I was thinking my last wish would be to go to Montreal and tell everyone that Jesus loves them, whether it is politically correct or not. I jsut dont want my friends to go to hell.

And also my last wish would be to see Sam again and hope he will understand. Damn why do I love him so much anyway? I only spent less than 2 months with him if you really think about it. Damn!

Anyway, I can't wait to just sleep it off tonight.

Martine + Boys = Trouble

Pastor Fiona and I met up and we talked about how I always talk to guy friends about problems. This is unhealthy cuz I need to set a boundary and talk to more girlfriends so that problems will not start up later on. Also, I need to guard my heart by not throwing out my whole heart on the table expecting guys to catch it. I shouldn't be sharing my whole life story with guys or my whole feelings. Cuz just cuz a guy says he likes or loves me doesn't mean Squat. It means nothing. I have to be careful and take things slow and not hold onto them like a leech either. Sigh.

Trouble.

Thanks Ishanie for sharing this with me...

Dame tus Ojos| Give me your Eyes
Por Marcela Ganara

Dame tus ojos quiero ver
Give me your eyes, I want to see
Dame tus palabras, quiero hablar
Give me your words, I want to speak
Dame tu parecer
Give me the way you are

Dame tus pies, yo quiero ir
Give me your feet, I want to go
Dame tus deseos para sentir
Give me your desires to feel
Dame tu parecer
Give me the way you are

Dame lo que necesito
Give me what I need
Para ser como tu
To be like you

// Dame tu voz, dame tu aliento
// Give me your voice, give me your breath
Toma mi tiempo es para ti
Take my time, it’s for you
Dame el camino que debo seguir
Give me the way that I ought to follow
Dame tus sueños, tus anhelos
Give me your dreams, your yearnings
Tus pensamientos, tu sentir
Your thoughts, your feelings
Dame tu vida para vivir //
Give me your life to live //

Déjame ver lo que tu ves
Leave me to see what you see
Dame de tu gracia, tu poder
Give me your grace, your power
Dame tu corazón
Give me your heart
Déjame ver en tu interior
Leave me to see your interior
Para ser cambiado por tu amor
To be changed by your love
Dame tu corazón
Give me your heart

Personal analysis

I have a very vulnerable heart and mind. I often seek to make others happy, sometimes it makes me even anxious. If you are a single male, and you are very nice to me, and if I like your personality, and if I come close to you as a friend, beware. I might just start having a crush on you. Sigh. I can get obsessed easily too. And I often seek warmth.

I tried to analyze why I am so prone to falling for guys. I don't want to rewrite it out here. Too late in the night (12:40am) to write about something so theoretical and having so many facets to it...

But tonight I felt very happy to meet some new friends (Marvelle, Emily, and Perguson) who came from China to learn ESL here. They are here for about one year only at a homestay. They are so nice. They are teens.

If I tell you the number of guys I crushed on this year, you will be appalled. I jump back and forth with guys. My feelings always change. Unless I already decided to commit myself of course... but even then... temptations.

I miss Sam as a friend. I really do. I really wonder what he thinks and if he would want to be friends again sometime... or if he doesn't think it's worth it. He was talking about sacrificial love on his blog. Maybe he would still want to love me.

Today I was hanging out with Mike Wong and others. Sometimes I can't help but compare how much care Mike has shown and how much care Sam was able to show. I can't blame Sam but I guess I felt a lot more care from guys at my church than from Sam, and that's a big part of the reason why I had such a hard time without him around this semester.

I don't know, I'm getting a bit tired and I should go to sleep to be ready for class tomorrow. I just wish that my heart was stronger. Sometimes I just feel so weak.

Draining... just a bit. God please replenish me!!!!

You know I gotta say something;
The beginning and the end, what's the difference between the two?
I mean I'm still trying to figure it out
I know one thing
I'm just getting started
You know all that stuff that happened in the past?
I ain't even thinking about that
It's about right now
And it's about moving forward
Uh, Check, Check, Yo.

Dear God,
I wonder can you save me
The more it makes sense
The more they claim that I'm crazy
I had to be for them to see me this calm
All reality, uh-uh, no TV sitcom
My pure will got me stolen from Grace
Eyes closed, salty tears all I could taste
Fall on my knees
Fall on my face
They say put God first and everything else will fall into place
So I've heard
Wise words got me thinking
Gotta give it time to let it sink in
I sound confused, I know
For what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world
Then lose his soul
For the longest I was riding high, cruise control
In my own mind making up the rules as I go
I swear it's not just my imagination
I heard a voice guiding me, navigation
Is it the road I chose or should I check the steering
Took a couple wrong turns, selective hearing
Is it fact or just my premonition
I see what's going on now, High Definition

Nothing but lies, I was living that
Wasted like lasiks, it took me time to get my vision back
Learned to recognize the fakes and the true snakes
So called friends, you know the two-faced
All in my grill like a toothache
Still you never find me under pressure
Like the last drop of toothpaste
My mission is never been more clear
The truth is never been more near
But I know I can't do it on my own
So I pray you give me strength when I lift the microphone
All I hear is Jin "What happened to the old you?"
See I could explain but I would rather show you
Word, check it out y'all

'Cause actions speak louder than words
So it don't matter how I mix the nouns with the verbs
New fans are glad, got annoint to my style
Old fans wanna know "What will I rap about now?"
Switch is up?
Yo, I gots to do it
The word is Jin's putting out Gospel music
See, I prefer to call it "Change-Your-Life" music
All in hopes that one day you might use it
Whatever they choose to label it, so be it
I proceed it
All I know is, I so need it
I'm certain that I can't rap forever
Before the curtain call I gotta get my act together

No surprise the wool over my eyes has been lifted
My entire perspective has been shifted
I can't call it
You can call it how you feel
Call it change, call it growth
As long as you call it real
I am no quitter
My journey's just begun
You are all welcome to follow, no Twitter

I know plenty of folks that wanna touch the gates of Heaven
Never been to church 'cause they can't relate to Reverends
Ain't no sense in me preaching to the Choir
Even with scorched arms
I'll be reaching through the fire

I stand firm
The enemy don't phase me
No need to wonder...
ONLY GOD CAN SAVE ME

Jeremiah 1 (Bible)

The Call of Jeremiah

⁴ The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

⁵ "Before I formed you in the womb I knew ^a]">you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

⁶ "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

⁷ But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

---

Yesterday's Empty Chair #2 ended up stabbing me in the back. This morning I was not able to focus, after dreaming about you know who (in my dream we were friends no problem and were having fun at church as if no breakup happened, I guess that shows implicit or subconscious desires.) And hearing a song that reminded me of something. Boo. I got distracted and stressed. So I will no longer think about this guy, cuz the more thinking I do about him, the more bad luck I get.

So now I'm going to remind myself of God stuff (inspirational bible verses, etc.) and do my studying. And work. And smile cuz the kids are gonna have fun tonight at church with me :)