Dear God...

You know my struggles, You know how much I worry, You know everything! I know You're always beside me. I may be inconsistent, God, when I walk with You, stumbling in sin ditches or getting caught in weeds sometimes, but Lord, You're always there to help me up.

Sometimes I start to wonder what sin is anymore, because of what the world says. Remind me please, Lord, to go back to Your Word. On Sunday we prayed so powerfully together, we shared and prayed in one spirit and purpose. It was powerful in that I could feel your Holy Spirit moving in my heart, and among the Sunday School class. Please don't let me go back to my old self. It's so easy to. Mold me, Lord, and make me your faithful servant.

I am sorry for my sins, I am sorry for all my wrong thoughts and all my wrong actions. Lord, make me new again with your grace. I felt so happy serving You. I feel so inspired when I really get into your word... Ishanie says I just need to make it a priority, and pray for the desire, and I did pray for the desire, but the priority part is not working that well...

God, I want to be a good example. The last thing I want to be is a stumbling block to others. I feel especially strongly if any of my TC teens or church young people see this blog. I hope they don't misunderstand. My blog is public. Like, totally public. And I want it to be, I want it to be a way that I can stand up and tell people I have nothing to hide, because I'm going to be a transparent leader, and let people know what's going on in my mind, so that if they see weakness in me, it's the real deal. If they see sin in me, they can point it out and they can pray for me. We can discuss things openly.

But I don't want people to assume things and judge me or follow any sins I may have, using me as an excuse. God, please prevent that from happening.

Lord, help me to spend time with You every day so I don't fall back. I want to walk with You, side by side. You are the good shepherd. I am the dumb sheep. Only with Your wisdom I can get through this life!

Thank You for listening to my prayer! You are the best!

Love,
Martine

Clinging to my Rock

Psalm 119: 105-112

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.
I have suffered much; preserve my life,
O Lord, according to your word.
Accept, O Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.
Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
The wicked have set a snare for me,
but I have not strayed from your precepts.
Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.
My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.

As I read this from my email devotional today, I realize how much this verse applies to my life. God's word should be my only director in terms of what I should do. I mean, I can listen to others' advice and do all the personal research I want, but to be sure, going back to the Bible is the way to go. I told God I would follow and serve Him through the rest of my life, with no turning back. How easy it is to slip, fall, and turn back to my old crappy life!

I have suffered much this past year, and I need God to pull me through. I feel guilty for sins I have, but I know at least that if I am being tempted a lot, it means Satan hates me, and it means I am on the right track. I want to make this psalm my prayer to God, because lately I've been tempted more and more. Tempted to stray from truth, tempted to do things my own way or solely the way the world says I should do it... And I'm so glad I have accountability, brothers and sisters in Christ to make sure I'm not becoming a wishy-washy relativist Christian.

I realize that in past past blog posts I might have confused some of you. I was going through a rough time, and when I'm in a rough time, the lines between what's right and wrong and what to write get blurred and my conscience doesn't work properly anymore. But trust me, I am fine now and I will become stronger by God's molding and by your prayers and support.

Again, you should listen to God's word, not just me. Come to your own conclusion. I may try to inspire you with this blog, but honestly I think sometimes I just depress you. Don't rely on me, rely on the Rock of Salvation, who is strong, mighty, and never changes.

Isaiah 26: 4

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

An amazing message :D I really admire this speaker's passion!

I've Got A River of Life: Brenda Salter-McNeil from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.

Brenda Salter-McNeil challenges students to give their witness credibility by going through Samaria- the neighborhoods of the marginalized.

This message can relate to many people, whether you are a Christian, a woman, a person who has been discriminated against, or just a person who is willing to make a difference!

Angels or demons?

One of the saddest things is to discover that what you believed was a God-given vision was not... that a vision so grand and so spiritual-like was only a figment of the imagination and a product of neurotransmitters firing at the wrong time.

To think that you could have helped someone who felt similar things to go through the situation better, but only to find that their experience was real and actually from God, and yours was not. That there was no way for you to help that person. Because you are different. And because no one else knows how you feel, you can only shed tears and accept the facts.

God is real. My visions were not.
---

Everyone wants to find someone who can understand them. Obviously God can understand, but when we find a human who understands exactly what you go through for some reason it makes you feel so much better. So much more relieved.

For some reason I thought I could find someone to identify with when I talked with this brother at TC. But I was foolish. Why did I think that I could help him? I wanted to make sure he didn't end up ill like me. But he's not ill and now I just feel worse, about myself.

Adrian says that Satan might be trying to get me down through this but I just don't think that way anymore. I have learned to attribute more things to the work of coincidence and original sin, and just randomness that happens in this world. Sure, Satan can do a lot of things, and things can happen that are partly due to Satan, but I don't think Satan caused my illness. And if I keep blaming Satan, that's how I will end up getting more and more sick. That's how my illness started!!!

I got ill because I blamed more and more things on Satan and saying that Jesus would come back. And I really believed it, I swear I did. But they were not real.

It's hard to explain. Any bipolar disorder friends out there? Please contact me. I just wish I had a bipolar bisexual friend.

Update on my "March Break"

Hey all, yeah, I know I didn't update you for a while! Well, I've been busy, tired, stressed, but in general, I AM FEELING GOOD! My period stopped, thank GOD for that. And my ultrasound results will come next week, hopefully turn out fine. And NO I am not pregnant lol.

This week is March break for high school students, and what I did Monday and Tuesday was volunteer as a Coach for Teens Conference, which is a two-day conference in Richmond Hill. Basically the teens gather to experience God through music, media, workshops, games, Bible reading, speakers, and discussions. Honestly it is really interesting and life-changing. I went since grade 8 and now I'm helping out as a coach.

Many students were moved, some to tears, as they felt God speak to them in very personal ways. It's amazing to see God move... There was even a spiritual battle, although many of you will wonder what that means. When a lot of people turn to Christ, the devil tries to attack in many ways. And something unexplainable happened on the 2nd night, where the leaders could sense the devil trying to confuse people or turn them away.

Anyhow, God overpowers everything so there is nothing to fear or worry about. Prayer always helps and although it was sometimes chaotic (600 teens under one roof!) it was an amazing experience. Brothers and sisters stuck together, and many people made new friends, including me! :D

And then after I got back to school, this week, I felt renewed, although tired. I liked the weather this week. It's so nice and bright. But I also had to finish 3 assignments/presentations. Now that it's all done, I can do my church work and Alpha budget work. :D And then my next essay.

I found ice cappucinos quite helpful when it came to keeping me alert for a while. And my anxiety is not really acting up... the only little concern I have is when I run for the bus and I feel really out of breath/heart pumping way too fast. I really need to get back to jogging. And friendship issues? I don't know, I want to forget about it. I've been asking God what I should do...

SCSU? Feels like I'm on a bit of a break. I was thinking of running for director in bi-elections in Sept. but that depends on whether there are any vacant spots. My mom doesn't like the idea of me being back in SCSU, but I really want to help out. Even if I am just an admin assistant helping people buy Metropasses.

I found a cool job posting on the UTSC Intranet and it is a job called "Multi-faith Intern". I really like the idea of working with many people of different religions. It's what I've been doing lately anyway. So I will definitely apply. It is 12 hours per week max, and is downtown. I really really like the idea. I'm sure you know I am really interested. I would get to work with the Multifaith centre downtown and with chaplains.

Alright gtg do some work. Take care!

Sabbatical announcement!!!

Hi all,

I just woke up from a very long nap, and thank God, my energy is slowly coming back after being sick and tired out.

I just feel like announcing what I'm doing this summer exactly. I am taking a sabbatical, meaning that I am going to rest a lot more than I usually do, not work in the SCSU, not work at any stressful job, and if I am going to work, only work 10 hours a week over the span of 2 days max at a very relaxing type of job. I will not set deadlines for my ministries/do heavy volunteer work, not sign up for any classes, and not go crazy with joining events as I usually am. This is so that I could focus more on God, health, and relaxation.

A lot of people ask if I still plan to be part of SCSU next year. Yes, I do, but in a small job, if God wills it. And I will be a part time student, hopefully not going crazy with events or volunteer/work either.

I definitely need this for my own sanity and also to prepare myself for Bible school, because I can't jump from being an undisciplined workaholic to studying Bible/theology every day and being all disciplined, it just doesn't seem right because I need a gradual change towards that.

Anyway, time for me to start prepping more for my Homosexuality and the Bible class that's happening this Sunday. It's going to be a new era for our church! Learning more about an often taboo topic, and being more equipped to love LGBTQ people like God would!

Thinking about the year with SCSU

At 5am I am awake and thinking about SCSU. Anytime now, my parents are going to walk down and scold me for not sleeping more (I went to bed at 12am, slept at around 1am), but honestly I feel like I am rested enough and I just have so much on my mind that I need to write.

I was thinking about SCSU, from the day I came into the union, my first ever Board meeting, and then imagining what I would be doing at Continuity May 1st, thinking about how much crazier things have been at the SCSU than I thought, and also whether I accomplished my goals in the SCSU for students.

When I came in, if my memory is not failing me, I wanted to make Bluff's better and help with the re-opening of it, I wanted to make the campus more environmental, make SCSU more accountable, and find effective solutions for study space. I cannot say I accomplished any of that, although I did give suggestions and VPs also did take steps out of their own good will and accomplished or worked towards the goals that I also had. But I mean, when it comes down to it, I didn't do much for those goals except advocate for accountability, which was VERY hard to do, given the circumstances especially of this semester.

But I also had a personal goal that not many people knew of, and it was not something on a platform, but something that came out of my faith in God. I wanted to impact people on the Board at a very personal level. I wanted to be the best friend I could ever be to all the directors/staff/VPs/President, and I wanted them to see God's love and what a true Christian is like. I hope I accomplished that. Because although I can do all I can to serve students, what impacts people is the love you show at a personal level. I can say that I also felt this type of friendship and love from other people on the Board as well.

Now, the new goals that I wanted to accomplish if I had gotten VP Students and Equity are to:

1. support LGBTQ students and increase Positive Space
2. support International Students and have programs for them in the summer
3. a more environmental campus
4. help AccessAbility students
5. awareness of mental health
   
6. develop inter-religious dialogue
7. decrease racism through multicultural events
8. integrity and accountability in the SCSU
9. better food options
10. a better Prayer Room
11. other issues that students bring up

As the year closes, I feel I am becoming weaker and weaker. Sometimes I wonder if life is closing in on me. I go to the doctor for various things every week or two, and friends notice how I am tired and sometimes depressed. I am not dying yet, don't you worry, but life is fragile and sometimes you don't know what's going to happen. You do what you can to make a lasting impact by loving the people in front of you every waking day, and that's what matters.

And God seems to be telling me that it's time for me to step back a bit and realize that I have done a lot, maybe too much, so I need a whole summer off. I wrote in an earlier post about how I am like the woman who had internal bleeding for 12 years, reaching out to Jesus to touch his cloak... except that it's hard to grab his cloak when I am running around doing a million things for the campus.

But as I am resting a bit more these days, I realize that although I was disqualified from being a candidate for VP Students and Equity, I am accomplishing the goals that I set out to do.

1. I attended the SC OUT Rainbow Tie Gala, which promotes Positive Space on campus, and I had the joy of being photographed and quoted for a calendar about what it means to be an ally for LGBTQ students. I also feel very proud to be able to teach a class starting this Sunday at my church about reaching out to LGBTQ people and making them aware of what the Bible says about not judging and loving people.
   
2. Among the many International students I meet, there is one that I feel I have impacted somehow, and that is my friend "Y". She went through a lot in life and now she's been coming out to my church and having lots of fun. I think that although I couldn't help more international students on a grander scale, at least I did my part with the ones I knew personally.
   
3. It's hard to transform the whole campus to becoming more environmental, but I will work on it bit by bit through starting with myself. Although I don't drink Tim Hortons every day, I got a reusable mug just in case I ever will, and also I am getting SCOE to use less paper.
   
4. Same as number 2... I had the privilege of knowing "G" who also went through a lot and she came to my beginners Bible group last summer, enjoying each others' presence and supporting each other through hard times.
   
5. I had the opportunity to speak in the Abnormal Psychology class about General Anxiety Disorder, and also I am thinking of also teaching a class at church about mental disorders and mental health. Next year I might join CUCOH or PNDA to help with their campaigns too.
   
6. Yesterday we had a great event called "The Imam and the Pastor". Lots of interreligious dialogue there. I'm glad I was able to help out.
   
7. Not yet accomplished.
   
8. Not yet accomplished.
   
9. Not yet accomplished.
10. Not yet accomplished.
11. Not yet accomplished.

So I am writing this out to show myself how God's grace allowed me to realize I am already accomplishing or working towards the goals I wanted to do, just in a different way.

I will forever remember this year, and how the people on the Board were friends to me. I plan to write a little note to each of them to give at Continuity, and when I think about some things I want to write on those notes, honestly I want to cry because of how much they touched me.

now please forgive me, gotta go back to sleep before my mom is shocked im here