Tears do not make me weak

I cried because I was passionate about what I believed in.
I cried because I cared most about the people who deserved to know the truth.
I cried because I believed no one could change me unless I let them.
I cried because sheep were without a shepherd, and they were blindly led by someone whom God also cares about.
I cried because I am a friend to someone who isn't a friend back.
I cried because I wanted to let it all out.

It's who I am. I am a sensitive person. But if crying makes a person weak, then you are calling Jesus a weakling. You are calling Mother Teresa a weakling. That is not true.

Crying just shows you really cared about something, and you felt hurt that you couldn't achieve it or someone prevented you from achieving it. Or it may show how conflicted you are inside, how you care for someone as a friend but you also need to do your job. How you feel like you let people down or that righteousness is being trampled on.

You know what? Doing the wrong thing is easy. True heroes do not use loopholes or lies to try to accomplish goals. Because the harder thing is to be good. And because it is harder, and because it is overall better for the human race to be good, we should all make an effort. In the end, you are a soul, and I am one too. We share this earth, why not do the right thing for the greater good?

Troubles may make you either a better or worse person. You choose. The hardest thing for a leader is to accept failure. I had to accept it yesterday. But it's not about reputation or about popularity. It's about doing the right thing, and the best leader will even stop being a leader just to accomplish that.

Zuhair, I still care about you, and no matter what you think, I'll always be your friend. I am just trying to do the right thing. I separate friendship and professionalism, and you know that because I chatted with you at Tim Hortons and said that I would pray for your well-being. And I did pray and will continue to pray for you. You can still make a big difference, just have to seek the right path to do it.

You are never a failure, always a winner.

After my official disqualification today (the policy was clear and although I had no idea my friend was not a student, there is no way to solve this problem), I felt very upset and distraught. As you might have read from my last two blog posts, I am someone who was taught to finish the race, no matter if you are last or first. Perseverance is the key, my cross-country coach taught me.

I've never had a race where I got "DNF" (did not finish). I always thought it was bad not to finish unless you got an injury in the middle of the race. So I guess that's why it hit me so hard when I could not finish this race. And like I mentioned earlier, I thought for some reason it was God's will for me to run, and I interpreted this belief into "I was meant to win". But you know what, I think it WAS God's will for me to run, and although I did not finish or win, there is so much more to be learned.

True leadership requires some kind of suffering. I just didn't know it would be like this... it's not the fact that I could not get the position that I was sad (don't worry I'm fine now... but it's on and off), but other factors. Today tested my definition of faith. I learned that faith isn't praying and then getting what you want by believing that you can get it. It all depends on what God wants, not what you want.

And as I was reflecting on the subway, I realized that Students and Equity WAS what I was meant for. But not for a year... for my whole life. My whole life would be dedicated to what is in my platform... Environmentalism, Positive Space, Humanitarian work, inter-religious dialogue, International students... all these can be accomplished in a lifetime of work and passion.

And as for the students emphasis, I guess this is the confirmation of what kind of pastor I should be... a youth pastor.

I must thank Hamza for confirming the fact that losing something could mean giving you a bigger perspective for what you can do in life. And also Melissa Goddard, who tells me that I am still a winner to her. For all the people who came to me and said that they would've voted for me if they had the chance, I thank you. Maryann Raby, Maria, Zahra, Chanile, and Sara B., I also really thank you that I have such great people in my life to support me when I'm down.

Peter, May, and Walter, you'll always be my good friends. Henry Wong, Daniel Greanya, Kevin, Moh, and Reza H., you guys have been my inspiration to be in the SCSU, because you guys worked so hard to do the right thing.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to carry on next year in the SCSU. If you readers have any ideas, please let me know. I cannot be VP associate unless I get OSAP as a fulltime student, so I think that will be out of the question. I will only have 5 courses left to take and I can spread them out for a full year and work part-time both in the library and in the SCSU in a smaller job (e.g. charity chair) or I can also run for Part-time director and possibly get the Chair position of the Board. Not sure...

There are other possibilities also, but strangely enough, I still feel like my work in the SCSU is not done. I could go abroad and travel, or I could just be an outside student that makes a difference, but for some reason, I just love the SCSU, and most of all, the people in it and in UTSC in general.

I was supposed to attend a joint event earlier this evening with SCOUT and VCF, but I just felt too sad to go. Whenever I thought of my campaign, I always thought about Positive Space first. And so I just didn't want to go in there with a sad face and ruin the atmosphere for my LGBTQ friends. I heard they had a great time. And I hope they know I never wanted to let them down.

I instead went to the Leadership Circle event where the Presidential candidates shared views on leadership style. One question was "How do you want to be remembered?" and Mary said the person who never hesitated to put up her hand, the person who gave you a smile in the hallway, and the person who gave hugs and high fives. I really like that about her. And Imran said, it doesn't matter what positions you held, but your character that counts.

When I look at Aisha and John, I also think about how leadership is about overcoming obstacles, and how you have to try and bring about positive change even though it's hard. So as a non-candidate now, I'm gonna go out there and tell people about the Presidential referendum and give them a TRUE and accurate view of Zuhair. And yes, the policy states that directors are allowed to talk about the referendum.

This has been a long blog post, but I guess I just had to write it all out to bring this rough day to a close. I'm gonna do well in school, be the best SCOE chair ever, and be the best friend ever to everyone I meet. I'll always be for students and equity, deep inside me, and whoever wins the position I at first ran for, I wish them all the best and will give them all my ideas and connections if they want.

Thanks again for all your support. Love you all.

Dear God...

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I'll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

[chorus]
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

Am I really disqualified?

This is really testing my faith. Or at least, testing what I thought was God's will. I was so sure, before the campaign, that I would win the election and that it would be where I am supposed to be: VP Students and equity for SCSU. When the campaigning started, I looked around at the posters just like the apostle Peter looked around at the waves around him as we was walking on the water towards Jesus. And I felt like "sinking", in a way, because I saw how great some other candidates were, and I looked at my schedule and saw hardly any time to campaign, due to my health problems (had to do lots of checkups the past two weeks), and due to my dedication to friends who needed me, and due to my schoolwork.

I am still behind in schoolwork, and I was gonna catch up on campaigning today with emailing clubs and photocopying flyers, but then I looked into my inbox and saw the worst thing a candidate could ever see. "You are officially disqualified".

It was apparently because there was a name on my nomination sheet that was wrong. And I cannot go through an Appeals process. I thought that since I knew all 25 people personally, I would be fine to not get extra names, with the crazy schedule that I had.

But maybe I was wrong. The CRO says I can try to argue but it is really my fault. And this happened at just the worst time because I already put all my posters up, all my banners, prepared a flyer template, prepared a club email template, etc. And tomorrow is the forum.

I wish Maryann or Imran was here so that I could talk to them. Or Muneeba, or someone. Honestly...

I would have been okay, I think, if I had the chance to at least finish running in the elections and let Zahra or Maria win. But being disqualified... I just feel so dumb and I feel like I disappointed the people who wanted to support me. If I could find out which name was disqualified, and somehow get back on track before tomorrow's forum, it would be really good. But from his email it seems like there is no way to argue it back.

Just yesterday I felt like life wasn't fair. If I didn't have so many health issues, I would have had more time to dedicate to the campaign. Also, people don't take into account all the SCSU stuff and club stuff I am involved with, and how it can lessen the time for campaigning. But I guess I need to think of what my backup plan is now.

I had a few backup plans for if I lost the election, but I don't have a backup plan for being disqualified. I hate being unprepared.

My Answer is Him (points upward)

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When I heard this song today at church (background music to a photo slideshow), I immediately loved it... I feel it echoes my heart's answer...to EVERYTHING I do!

"My Answer Is You" by Brian Littrell lyrics

There's a world of difference when faith is in a heart
It stands out like sunlight
Life becomes so dark
And when those around me ask me why
I dare to dream
Or why I love or why sing

My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You

They might find it incredible to believe what I can't see
They might think it's foolish
Or even say it's weak
I want to live my life so differently because of faith
If it causes them to question, for me to say

My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
My answer is You

You're the reason I'm alive
For every good thing in my life
My answer is You
My answer is You
You're the hope that my heart is holding on to
Skeptics won't understand
It's strange from the world's point of view
But my answer is plain and it's simple, Lord
My answer is You

Love is a fragile flower

Two nights ago I wondered what love is...
and how something so bold
could become so cold
why the feelings wavered
why the problems simmered

And then I realized what love is...
Love is a fragile flower
It may come into bloom easily in the summer
But when winter comes, you must be careful
It will need more attention and support
As you bring it into a warmer place

Closer to home, closer to heart.
The flower may not be able to stand on its own
It needs work, it needs trimmings
Trimmings may hurt...
But when all this is done, the love will grow stronger.

Sometimes love is beautiful, sometimes it seems to wilt
But it all depends on the way you look at it...
If you really care about it, it doesn't matter how it looks
at any given time...
All you remember is the great amount of time and care
that you put into it.
And because of that, it is to be treasured.

It is a relationship, a tough one.
Sometimes love doesn't seem to give you anything back
But in reality, it does. It trains you
to be persistent, not to give up.
Not to feel incomplete or feel lack
because love is also within yourself.
And of course, God is Love.
He will always love you,
no matter what.

I hope your fragile flower blooms
So beautiful that it warms your heart.

Love,
Martine

God Bless Chantel's family...

This happened a while back, but as I was watching my Psychology Lecture today and Chantel Dunn was mentioned, I felt really sad that such a beautiful sister of mine could be shot to death, without many people being aware. I believe it is true that the media likes covering more about white victims than black victims. And that is why I know much more about white victims of crime than black ones. And when we do hear about black victims of crime, we often think of gang violence, and perhaps that is true, but my sister Chantel was not part of a gang. She was a good girl, it's just that her boyfriend was associated with someone else that a gang wanted to kill. It's not her fault that she knew someone who knew someone who knew someone. And it's not fair that her killer has still not been found.

The next time you watch the news, watch out for what goes on in your mind! Because statistics show that black perpetrators are often more newsworthy than white ones, and when you see a black face, what do you think? You are affected by the media more than you think. Just remember that everything is much more than what group you're from or what race you're from. Socioeconomic factors play in, and usually the poorer communities have more crime. And why are they poor? What can we do to help them? In lecture we also learned that blacks are usually discriminated from getting a job or leasing a house in a good neighbourhood. All these factors come into play.

In this video, one sentence was said that I had to go back to hear once more: "Just because we didn't get things the way we wanted, doesn't mean we take it with a gun"

If you think this statement doesn't apply to you, think twice... Has someone you know, or even yourself, wanted to end a life or their own life because they couldn't get what they want? And Chantel's aunt also said that Chantel loved people of all races. Do you?

I know for myself, I am affected by the media too. That's why I purposely wanted to make more friends with people of different cultures. And I've said this before also: I want to work in a multicultural church, not just Chinese. And even if I do work in a Chinese church, I will make sure it becomes a multicultural one soon!