WOW. Praise God! The job interview with the Tyndale Library seemed to go well and I put the results in God's hands, whether I get the job or not. I know God will provide! And even though I was last minute, the preaching in preaching class went well too and my classmates said they enjoyed my sermon. Praise God, His grace extends SO FAR! Without God's grace I couldn't have done anything today!
God cheered me up this morning, with my sister caring for me, with the warm weather and sunshine. I felt confident wearing my high heeled boots and new spring jacket. Felt like the pain was slowly going away.
And Christos texted me from Greece, telling me how he was riding a horse and let a little girl try riding the horse too. How sweet! Yes, I still love Christos and am always amazed at his kind gestures even to strangers. But even though I can't be with him, I am blessed to know him. I need to stop crying because it's not really over... even though the romantic relationship is over but I need to smile that it happened, I can grow from this, and Christos is still my friend!
One more exam (preaching exam, it's a written one) and I'm done the semester! And onto learning Hebrew! On to new things! I wonder how this Wed. will go with visiting the women's residence. I am praying that God's will be done and that if I do move into there, that I can be a blessing to the residents as well as learn how to be independent and love my family better from a distance. I fully trust in God's plan!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Peace
I have calmed down. Listening to songs while waiting for children's fellowship to start. I feel better...
I also got two phone calls. One for St. Clare's womens residence, they want me to go check out the place which is really close to my school. The other is a job interview on Monday for Tyndale library. Hopefully these are good signs.
A bit tired... didn't sleep last night cuz of the essay and getting too excited watching youtube videos...
I also got two phone calls. One for St. Clare's womens residence, they want me to go check out the place which is really close to my school. The other is a job interview on Monday for Tyndale library. Hopefully these are good signs.
A bit tired... didn't sleep last night cuz of the essay and getting too excited watching youtube videos...
All By Myself
I just want to listen to that song over and over again until I get used to it and hopefully can sing it as well as Charice does.
I just finished crying like crazy in the church washroom. Finally told Christos that I can't date him and I promised him I would never get back with him again. This time for sure it's not pressure from anybody that made me break up, it is my own decision because God Himself told me and God didn't pressure me He just made me realize what a fool I've been, trying to follow my heart and being stubborn, not realizing the truth and following my emotions as usual.
I didn't want to see him go, but I had to do it, I love him but I can't go on like this, lying to my parents, lying to myself, trying to hide it from friends, feeling shameful that I'm not being a good example and all that...
Christina told me that I would not find the right guy until I feel completely satisfied in God alone, when I'm not looking, when I am ready. Maybe I am too impatient then. Because Harold didn't like me and I just moved on to the next. Sometimes I still think of him but because he showed no interest in me, I lost all interest in him. Christos, on the other hand, loved me and gave me all the attention that I felt I needed. Christos made me feel loved.
God, why did You bring Christos into my life? Was it a test, a lesson to be learned? I keep on having to learn the same lesson over and over again. My life is such a mess. It gets worse with each boy I meet, my family lost trust in me. It can never be gained back. My heart has been given to so many guys there is nothing left for my future husband, I suck. I am a train wreck and I wish I could just jump off the tracks and end it all. I really just wish I had someone who would love me and be able to spend the rest of his life with me, the right person. I know Christos wasn't right for me but he was there for me and he was the best one so far. It was hard for me not to get together with him, he was so accepting and caring.
God, why did You bring Harold into my life when he had all the characteristics I wanted and yet he didn't show any interest, was it like a bait dangling in front of me and I was just supposed to just sit there patiently and not do anything? I don't get it. I don't even like him anymore, it's too late!
I just finished crying like crazy in the church washroom. Finally told Christos that I can't date him and I promised him I would never get back with him again. This time for sure it's not pressure from anybody that made me break up, it is my own decision because God Himself told me and God didn't pressure me He just made me realize what a fool I've been, trying to follow my heart and being stubborn, not realizing the truth and following my emotions as usual.
I didn't want to see him go, but I had to do it, I love him but I can't go on like this, lying to my parents, lying to myself, trying to hide it from friends, feeling shameful that I'm not being a good example and all that...
Christina told me that I would not find the right guy until I feel completely satisfied in God alone, when I'm not looking, when I am ready. Maybe I am too impatient then. Because Harold didn't like me and I just moved on to the next. Sometimes I still think of him but because he showed no interest in me, I lost all interest in him. Christos, on the other hand, loved me and gave me all the attention that I felt I needed. Christos made me feel loved.
God, why did You bring Christos into my life? Was it a test, a lesson to be learned? I keep on having to learn the same lesson over and over again. My life is such a mess. It gets worse with each boy I meet, my family lost trust in me. It can never be gained back. My heart has been given to so many guys there is nothing left for my future husband, I suck. I am a train wreck and I wish I could just jump off the tracks and end it all. I really just wish I had someone who would love me and be able to spend the rest of his life with me, the right person. I know Christos wasn't right for me but he was there for me and he was the best one so far. It was hard for me not to get together with him, he was so accepting and caring.
God, why did You bring Harold into my life when he had all the characteristics I wanted and yet he didn't show any interest, was it like a bait dangling in front of me and I was just supposed to just sit there patiently and not do anything? I don't get it. I don't even like him anymore, it's too late!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Heart is troubled again
Seems like the more people I tell about me and Christos being back together again, the more uneasiness I feel. Nick doesn't know that I'm back with Christos but he gave me a talk last week that made me cry because I felt like he touched some soft spots. Nick said that it's OK to wait for the right person to come along, and when you find the right person everything will feel right. And that me and boys is like a roadblock for me being a mature Christian.
And today talking with Sanche made me rethink things again. Sanche said, even though God didn't tell me to break up with Christos, did He give me the blessing to date Christos? I thought about it and I realized that the answer was no. And also Sanche said, does this whole thing glorify God? I answered, to be honest, it's a mess. Sanche was trying to say that it would glorify God more if I was just friends with Christos, rather than dating him, especially if I'm trying to help Christos draw closer to God, I shouldn't be dating him because he is not the same spiritual level as me.
Karen the counselor talked with me yesterday about expectations, how I feel like people expect me to be the perfect Christian Martine and this is not the true Martine. It's hard to explain, but basically I feel like the perfect Christian Martine would do everything that my parents want, get a boyfriend that everyone else approves of, and basically be a perfect ideal Christian. But I can't live up to that. And when I try to do that (please everybody) I end up not being true to myself. She said I just need to make my own decision.
So many different opinions from different people all swimming around in my head and my heart. I feel troubled again. Everyone's opinion has truth to it but I need to come to my own conclusion somehow. I wish I didn't have to think about it, because I have a lot of other stuff to work on, such as schoolwork.
-------------------------
Dear God,
You understand how troubled I am. You know how I want to serve You. You know how I love Christos yet at the same time want to please my parents so that I could have a good relationship with them. God, what should I do? I don't want to live this kind of life... where I have to hide things or feel bad because of a decision I've made. I remember one of my friends in university saying, you can't help who you love... yet at the same time, Pastor Tim said love is a choice. what a paradox... I don't even know what to say to You right now, God, I just feel like my heart is conflicted. Confused. Wishing that things were somehow perfect and that I had nothing to worry about. This is an impossible relationship, I know my parents would never approve of Christos... and it's probably a very slim chance that Christos would want to become a missionary in Montreal... that's why he's expecting it to be a short term relationship. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, naively thinking that maybe it could end up becoming long term. But what are the chances? The chances are very very slim... as far as it appears right now. Sure, we can be compatible now but what of the future? Christos says maybe it's God's plan that we would have a short term relationship... well that is unheard of when you look at the Bible. God made us to have long term relationships. God, my life is screwed up. If I were to turn back time, I would not have told Christos that I loved him. I would have just kept my mouth shut and just stayed friends. Things would have been much better that way. I would have avoided the problems with my family, I would have avoided the breakups, I would have avoided all this... but I cannot go backwards now, and my heart doesn't want to let him go...
And today talking with Sanche made me rethink things again. Sanche said, even though God didn't tell me to break up with Christos, did He give me the blessing to date Christos? I thought about it and I realized that the answer was no. And also Sanche said, does this whole thing glorify God? I answered, to be honest, it's a mess. Sanche was trying to say that it would glorify God more if I was just friends with Christos, rather than dating him, especially if I'm trying to help Christos draw closer to God, I shouldn't be dating him because he is not the same spiritual level as me.
Karen the counselor talked with me yesterday about expectations, how I feel like people expect me to be the perfect Christian Martine and this is not the true Martine. It's hard to explain, but basically I feel like the perfect Christian Martine would do everything that my parents want, get a boyfriend that everyone else approves of, and basically be a perfect ideal Christian. But I can't live up to that. And when I try to do that (please everybody) I end up not being true to myself. She said I just need to make my own decision.
So many different opinions from different people all swimming around in my head and my heart. I feel troubled again. Everyone's opinion has truth to it but I need to come to my own conclusion somehow. I wish I didn't have to think about it, because I have a lot of other stuff to work on, such as schoolwork.
-------------------------
Dear God,
You understand how troubled I am. You know how I want to serve You. You know how I love Christos yet at the same time want to please my parents so that I could have a good relationship with them. God, what should I do? I don't want to live this kind of life... where I have to hide things or feel bad because of a decision I've made. I remember one of my friends in university saying, you can't help who you love... yet at the same time, Pastor Tim said love is a choice. what a paradox... I don't even know what to say to You right now, God, I just feel like my heart is conflicted. Confused. Wishing that things were somehow perfect and that I had nothing to worry about. This is an impossible relationship, I know my parents would never approve of Christos... and it's probably a very slim chance that Christos would want to become a missionary in Montreal... that's why he's expecting it to be a short term relationship. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, naively thinking that maybe it could end up becoming long term. But what are the chances? The chances are very very slim... as far as it appears right now. Sure, we can be compatible now but what of the future? Christos says maybe it's God's plan that we would have a short term relationship... well that is unheard of when you look at the Bible. God made us to have long term relationships. God, my life is screwed up. If I were to turn back time, I would not have told Christos that I loved him. I would have just kept my mouth shut and just stayed friends. Things would have been much better that way. I would have avoided the problems with my family, I would have avoided the breakups, I would have avoided all this... but I cannot go backwards now, and my heart doesn't want to let him go...
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