Hey everyone,
I am going through a very dark time right now. My heart is filled with regret, feeling ashamed of myself, unconfident, discouraged, and not wanting to do anything anymore. I don't know how I will go on. Joy has been completely sucked away from me. I don't know how I will manage with the kids tonight because I don't have anything prepared and most of all my heart is not prepared. I cannot lead others if I cannot lead myself. I feel like quitting everything. Quitting school, quitting ministry, quitting life. I'm sorry to make you guys feel depressed but this is just how I feel.
I still love Christos but last night I told him I can't see him anymore. I felt like in order to repair the relationship between me and my parents I had to make a decision that I was not happy with. It was either him or my parents and I knew I wasn't going to be happy either way. But I had to do it because I couldn't live a lie and push my dad even farther away from God. I should never have started the relationship to begin with, because if I didn't start it at least right now we could still be friends. I deeply regret my actions.
If I knew how to self-control, and manage my bipolar, none of this would have ever happened. When I'm manic I don't care about anything cuz I'm happy. That's why I started the relationship, both times, because when I'm manic I feel like I am making the right decision and I'm happy about it, I don't care. But when reality hits I feel like I made the wrong decision and I feel like I have to break up to save my relationship with my family.
There is no turning back. Even though I want to be with Christos I cannot do this to him back and forth hurting him like this. I've already made a mess and I can't keep doing this to him. Ideally we would be friends at least but both me and my mom knows that if I try to be just friends I will eventually become his girlfriend again because I love him. So it's better to cut off all contact.
I'm not happy. I really am not. I deserve some kind of punishment. Christos doesn't deserve this.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
I don't like letting people down
Dear God,
I realized I really don't want to let people down. There have been great things that have been happening on this missions trip but today I felt bad because I made Willy and Angela the missionaries wake up super early, like 6am, in order to drive Meka and Gloria to the train station, and then tonight I was at Chinatown with Jean Renel and Roodens and I was supposed to be at Vendome station by 9:30pm but Tommy was supposed to join us and he went to the wrong station. So we had to drive around crazy downtown with all the one way streets and Jean Renel didn't know his way so we went around basically in circles trying to get to Tommy and Tommy wanted to get his other friend too. This made me late for meeting Angela at Vendome and I think she was upset although she didn't show it. But I feel like she was upset. I mean waking up early and sleeping late is not good for missionaries because lack of sleep makes them less able to function well. Willy when I got home said with a smile "you seem to be good at being late". I felt bad. I mean, if I had taken the metro instead of going around in Jean Renel's car, then it would have been fine. Really I want to blame it all on Tommy. Tommy didn't really talk to me much anyways, what was the point of him meeting with me? And he never told me that Justin had to come, like what the heck.
This morning my sister was talking to me on facebook and she just had to remind me that I ruined her life while I ruin mine. She said it in those words. She encouraged me to spend more time at home and have dinner with my dad because apparently it breaks his heart the less I come home. I told her when I'm home he doesn't talk to me anyway so what's the point. But she said remember when mom and dad didnt' talk for a year but they still ate together so it shows at least they are committed to each other. I said I'll try then.
This whole thing with Meka was unexpected. I wanted to help her but really she made it annoying because I had to wake up Angela in the middle of Friday night to ask if it was OK for her to come stay with us. And she doesn't have money so the thing is I had to pay for her taxi and pay for her stay here although Gloria said she would pay me back for the stay. I am a generous person normally but it's not the money I'm really concerned about it's more waking up Angela in the middle of the night and giving her unexpected things to deal with. I think Angela was actually upset at it too even though she is really nice and all but British people are known to hide their true emotions.
I wish someone was here for me to talk to. Gloria's gone and it's late, there is no one to talk to.
I'm sorry God, I know You're here, but somehow I feel it's hard to talk to you right now. My feelings are sort of taking over and I feel like there is so much in my heart. My mind is a mess and I feel like I'm going down. I feel like making a list of all the wrong things I've done, but I don't know what is the point in all that, I feel like it's going to make me more depressed. Because You keep no record of wrongs, right? I hope Angela and Willy will forgive me.
I'm starting to think that I'm sad and afraid because my family is already disappointed in me, and I fear that my spiritual parents (Willy and Angela) will be the same. I'm so used to being reprimanded, being reminded of my wrongs. I am so used to being the disgrace of the family, being told that I'm not worthy to be a pastor or Christian. I kind of know that God would accept me, but I feel like sometimes with what my parents say, I feel like if everyone knew the real me, they would be disappointed in me too. And God? I don't know. He might be disappointed in me too. If I were Him, I would. But that's just me talking, not God talking. I am not in my right mind right now.
I realized I really don't want to let people down. There have been great things that have been happening on this missions trip but today I felt bad because I made Willy and Angela the missionaries wake up super early, like 6am, in order to drive Meka and Gloria to the train station, and then tonight I was at Chinatown with Jean Renel and Roodens and I was supposed to be at Vendome station by 9:30pm but Tommy was supposed to join us and he went to the wrong station. So we had to drive around crazy downtown with all the one way streets and Jean Renel didn't know his way so we went around basically in circles trying to get to Tommy and Tommy wanted to get his other friend too. This made me late for meeting Angela at Vendome and I think she was upset although she didn't show it. But I feel like she was upset. I mean waking up early and sleeping late is not good for missionaries because lack of sleep makes them less able to function well. Willy when I got home said with a smile "you seem to be good at being late". I felt bad. I mean, if I had taken the metro instead of going around in Jean Renel's car, then it would have been fine. Really I want to blame it all on Tommy. Tommy didn't really talk to me much anyways, what was the point of him meeting with me? And he never told me that Justin had to come, like what the heck.
This morning my sister was talking to me on facebook and she just had to remind me that I ruined her life while I ruin mine. She said it in those words. She encouraged me to spend more time at home and have dinner with my dad because apparently it breaks his heart the less I come home. I told her when I'm home he doesn't talk to me anyway so what's the point. But she said remember when mom and dad didnt' talk for a year but they still ate together so it shows at least they are committed to each other. I said I'll try then.
This whole thing with Meka was unexpected. I wanted to help her but really she made it annoying because I had to wake up Angela in the middle of Friday night to ask if it was OK for her to come stay with us. And she doesn't have money so the thing is I had to pay for her taxi and pay for her stay here although Gloria said she would pay me back for the stay. I am a generous person normally but it's not the money I'm really concerned about it's more waking up Angela in the middle of the night and giving her unexpected things to deal with. I think Angela was actually upset at it too even though she is really nice and all but British people are known to hide their true emotions.
I wish someone was here for me to talk to. Gloria's gone and it's late, there is no one to talk to.
I'm sorry God, I know You're here, but somehow I feel it's hard to talk to you right now. My feelings are sort of taking over and I feel like there is so much in my heart. My mind is a mess and I feel like I'm going down. I feel like making a list of all the wrong things I've done, but I don't know what is the point in all that, I feel like it's going to make me more depressed. Because You keep no record of wrongs, right? I hope Angela and Willy will forgive me.
I'm starting to think that I'm sad and afraid because my family is already disappointed in me, and I fear that my spiritual parents (Willy and Angela) will be the same. I'm so used to being reprimanded, being reminded of my wrongs. I am so used to being the disgrace of the family, being told that I'm not worthy to be a pastor or Christian. I kind of know that God would accept me, but I feel like sometimes with what my parents say, I feel like if everyone knew the real me, they would be disappointed in me too. And God? I don't know. He might be disappointed in me too. If I were Him, I would. But that's just me talking, not God talking. I am not in my right mind right now.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Suffering
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
2 Cor. 6:4-10
----------------------
I have been writing in my Quebec journal the things that I have been learning and experiencing over the past few days. But here now is something that I must blog rather than write in my little journal or post on facebook or send an email about. It's about my new friend Meka.
I don't know for sure what happened, but Gloria's friend Meka from Brampton came to Montreal to get money for her rent. How, I don't know for sure. I don't judge her, but from the moment she got off the bus Gloria and I were worried about her because she was going with a guy she didn't know.
The guy ditched her and she stayed at Tim Hortons for like 6 hours having anxiety attacks. Gloria and I had asked her many times whether she wanted to stay with us at the missionary house instead but she didn't agree to it til like 1am when she was at her wit's end.
I woke up Angela and she was gracious about it and allowed Meka to come sleep with us. But I had to pay for her taxi from Montreal West area all the way to Ile Perrot and with a generous tip I basically paid $110.
This though is a small sacrifice because at least she was safe and at least she would not be harmed and have a place to sleep. I only pray that God would touch her life through all this. She seemed not completely open to share but she shared a bit and I prayed with her before I went to sleep which was like around 3:30am. Right now it is around 7:30am and yes I am lacking major sleep but that's OK.
The Bible verse I put at the beginning shows that suffering for Jesus is worth it. You might not like sleepless nights but if it helps someone then praise the Lord. You might not like beatings but if you are taking the beating for Christ, you will have your reward in heaven (dont worry i didnt get beaten)
You get the idea.
I got the call to full time ministry in March 2006. After I got called, look at all the crap I have been through: bipolar disorder, period problem, breakups, family stuff, etc.
But it was worth it, it made me a stronger person and a more down to earth able to relate to people kind of person. By the way did I tell you I want to write a book about how bipolar disorder was used by God to change my life?
Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow, but don't let anyone tear them away, hold on, there will be tomorrow, in time, you'll find the way... (from Hero by Mariah Carey)
God knows what you are going through. It is not an accident. You may not see the full picture now but later on you will understand. May God guide you through your trials and pain, and may you become better out of it, and not bitter. :)
2 Cor. 6:4-10
----------------------
I have been writing in my Quebec journal the things that I have been learning and experiencing over the past few days. But here now is something that I must blog rather than write in my little journal or post on facebook or send an email about. It's about my new friend Meka.
I don't know for sure what happened, but Gloria's friend Meka from Brampton came to Montreal to get money for her rent. How, I don't know for sure. I don't judge her, but from the moment she got off the bus Gloria and I were worried about her because she was going with a guy she didn't know.
The guy ditched her and she stayed at Tim Hortons for like 6 hours having anxiety attacks. Gloria and I had asked her many times whether she wanted to stay with us at the missionary house instead but she didn't agree to it til like 1am when she was at her wit's end.
I woke up Angela and she was gracious about it and allowed Meka to come sleep with us. But I had to pay for her taxi from Montreal West area all the way to Ile Perrot and with a generous tip I basically paid $110.
This though is a small sacrifice because at least she was safe and at least she would not be harmed and have a place to sleep. I only pray that God would touch her life through all this. She seemed not completely open to share but she shared a bit and I prayed with her before I went to sleep which was like around 3:30am. Right now it is around 7:30am and yes I am lacking major sleep but that's OK.
The Bible verse I put at the beginning shows that suffering for Jesus is worth it. You might not like sleepless nights but if it helps someone then praise the Lord. You might not like beatings but if you are taking the beating for Christ, you will have your reward in heaven (dont worry i didnt get beaten)
You get the idea.
I got the call to full time ministry in March 2006. After I got called, look at all the crap I have been through: bipolar disorder, period problem, breakups, family stuff, etc.
But it was worth it, it made me a stronger person and a more down to earth able to relate to people kind of person. By the way did I tell you I want to write a book about how bipolar disorder was used by God to change my life?
Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow, but don't let anyone tear them away, hold on, there will be tomorrow, in time, you'll find the way... (from Hero by Mariah Carey)
God knows what you are going through. It is not an accident. You may not see the full picture now but later on you will understand. May God guide you through your trials and pain, and may you become better out of it, and not bitter. :)
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
It was God's plan after all...
Dear God,
Thank You for speaking to me today. I am amazed at how You work.
When I first prayed about Christos, You told me that it was part of your plan. Now, I still have doubts that maybe I am still too hyper right now and thinking things that are not true, but for NOW...
I know that this whole fiasco with my parents making me break up with him was part of Your plan...
because after the breakup I realized how much Christos loved me. Unlike other boyfriends, he was not angry at me or my parents, but angry at You for taking me away from him. It shows how much he loved me. He also was friends with me quickly the next day and had no hard feelings. Then we hung out on Friday and we were perfectly fine again like normal friends, even gave me a hug!
What a man that You have placed in my life! He totally respects my decision to break up with him. And I feel like although we have different theologies, we can learn from each other and grow closer to You together. He respects my boundaries and really really cares about me.
We still love each other. We never stopped being friends... and in fact right now we are together again, but not officially dating.
Anyways back to the whole God's plan thing. I believe right now that I was right the first time about dating Christos being part of God's plan. God used the whole fiasco with my parents to show myself what it really means to make my own decisions, and most importantly, repair the relationship between me and my parents. My parents have always been overprotective and my dad always thought I was a rebel.
As a result of this whole fiasco I asked my Chinese prayer support group today at school to pray for my dad because unlike my sister and my mom who forgave me, my dad didn't. So during the prayer time for some reason this song "The Reason" by Hoobastank started playing in my head. The lyrics were exactly how I felt towards my dad.
When I got home after night class, I decided to email a long heartfelt email to my dad. I hope this is the beginning of understanding and hopefully reconciliation. The whole fiasco with Christos and my parents actually showed me that there were many underlying issues that I had to deal with with my dad. Usually on the surface we argue about the towel or the light or other stuff, but underlying is a deep pain that started years and years ago.
I hope that my dad will understand what I meant by the email. I know that the prayers of all my schoolmates is going to help.
I learned a lot today. :)
Thank You God.
In Jesus name Amen.
Thank You for speaking to me today. I am amazed at how You work.
When I first prayed about Christos, You told me that it was part of your plan. Now, I still have doubts that maybe I am still too hyper right now and thinking things that are not true, but for NOW...
I know that this whole fiasco with my parents making me break up with him was part of Your plan...
because after the breakup I realized how much Christos loved me. Unlike other boyfriends, he was not angry at me or my parents, but angry at You for taking me away from him. It shows how much he loved me. He also was friends with me quickly the next day and had no hard feelings. Then we hung out on Friday and we were perfectly fine again like normal friends, even gave me a hug!
What a man that You have placed in my life! He totally respects my decision to break up with him. And I feel like although we have different theologies, we can learn from each other and grow closer to You together. He respects my boundaries and really really cares about me.
We still love each other. We never stopped being friends... and in fact right now we are together again, but not officially dating.
Anyways back to the whole God's plan thing. I believe right now that I was right the first time about dating Christos being part of God's plan. God used the whole fiasco with my parents to show myself what it really means to make my own decisions, and most importantly, repair the relationship between me and my parents. My parents have always been overprotective and my dad always thought I was a rebel.
As a result of this whole fiasco I asked my Chinese prayer support group today at school to pray for my dad because unlike my sister and my mom who forgave me, my dad didn't. So during the prayer time for some reason this song "The Reason" by Hoobastank started playing in my head. The lyrics were exactly how I felt towards my dad.
When I got home after night class, I decided to email a long heartfelt email to my dad. I hope this is the beginning of understanding and hopefully reconciliation. The whole fiasco with Christos and my parents actually showed me that there were many underlying issues that I had to deal with with my dad. Usually on the surface we argue about the towel or the light or other stuff, but underlying is a deep pain that started years and years ago.
I hope that my dad will understand what I meant by the email. I know that the prayers of all my schoolmates is going to help.
I learned a lot today. :)
Thank You God.
In Jesus name Amen.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Heaven's got a plan for you
Dear Me,
Life is full of unexpected changes. Being bipolar even makes it even more unstable. Either you are really happy and excited (even irritated) or you are down. Mood swings and circumstances of life making life unpredictable. But there is one thing that is stable. God is stable.
And I love this song, it says Heaven has got a plan for you. The twists and turns of life just make life more meaningful. God uses pain to mold us, shape us, teach us. Although pain is not desirable but it is one of the best teachers.
My life is much more crazy than many other people's lives. Like, look at all the romantic relationships I have had that were crazy. But that just enrichens my testimony. I can have more experiences to share with others who go through similar experiences and help them or at least, relate to them.
If I was a perfect person, if I had no problems... I would be a boring person. I would not know how to love so deep or care so deep. I can know God more as a result of my pain. Thank God for my pain! Thank God for my handicap!
Praise be to God, He always has a plan for us.
Love, Martine
P.S. I will love you until you learn to love yourself, Martine.
----
The reason why pain is such a great teacher is that pain won't let you forget. If you are going through a time of pain, rest assured that you are about to learn an important lesson that will stay with you the rest of your life. Our choice: we can either let it make us bitter, or better.
--from my previous church's senior pastor, who went through depression
-----
Life is full of unexpected changes. Being bipolar even makes it even more unstable. Either you are really happy and excited (even irritated) or you are down. Mood swings and circumstances of life making life unpredictable. But there is one thing that is stable. God is stable.
And I love this song, it says Heaven has got a plan for you. The twists and turns of life just make life more meaningful. God uses pain to mold us, shape us, teach us. Although pain is not desirable but it is one of the best teachers.
My life is much more crazy than many other people's lives. Like, look at all the romantic relationships I have had that were crazy. But that just enrichens my testimony. I can have more experiences to share with others who go through similar experiences and help them or at least, relate to them.
If I was a perfect person, if I had no problems... I would be a boring person. I would not know how to love so deep or care so deep. I can know God more as a result of my pain. Thank God for my pain! Thank God for my handicap!
Praise be to God, He always has a plan for us.
Love, Martine
P.S. I will love you until you learn to love yourself, Martine.
----
The reason why pain is such a great teacher is that pain won't let you forget. If you are going through a time of pain, rest assured that you are about to learn an important lesson that will stay with you the rest of your life. Our choice: we can either let it make us bitter, or better.
--from my previous church's senior pastor, who went through depression
-----
Saturday, March 2, 2013
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