After a down there is always an up, and vice versa

Hi friends,

I haven't updated in a while.  The last few posts were just songs, quotes, and short prayers.  And the previous really long post was when I was crying nonstop.  I am happy to say that those times have passed.  Last week I was also feeling guilty, unmotivated, trying to hide my feelings, hollow, and in denial.  I rather not get into it though, because I am feeling better now.

Right now I'm at my friend Golda's house.  We reconnected after 10 long years.  We actually have a lot in common, although I cannot share much otherwise it would not be fair to her.  But I am happy to know that someone has gone through very similar experiences and wants to support me.  I know you guys reading this also support me, but in a special way Golda I can identify with her.

Today Christos visited me.  I gave him his new Bible, and we are just friends right now.  I'm not lying, we are just friends.  I'm happy to be his friend.  He has been a support to me even though yes he was sometimes the source of my pain.  It's hard to explain but whatever as long as things are good now I'm not gonna worry about trying to make anyone understand.

Last week I also spent less time with God.  I was so disillusioned and being hard on myself, couldn't get out of sleepyworld and so so unmotivated.  But today somehow I guess I started the day right, finally read the Bible again and listened to Kari Jobe Christian music.  And finally felt motivated again for school, gonna try to eat better, play piano, and become a more healthy me again.

I'm glad I have friends who stick with me through ups and downs and craziness.  I really do appreciate all of you.  :)  God bless you all.

Dear God,

Please wash me clean again, thanks for giving me another chance
I'm sorry for running away from You
Please help me be faithful
Help me to know that all I need is You

Oh how many times have I broken your heart
but still you forgive, if only I ask
oh how many times, have you heard me pray
Draw near to me

Quote from Joyce Meyer

Do not give up on the ones you love; your patient love and faithfulness may be exactly what they need to make a complete turnaround.

 (Joyce Meyer is a Christian preacher that I really admire, her sermons, quotes and inspirations are on facebook, joycemeyer.org and youtube.)

Be brave and fly

Bring me the night (song)

Just Give Me a Reason

Life is hard but it is well with my soul

As you probably have read from my weekend posts, you could probably tell I was crying nonstop and having a really hard time.  But now that time has passed, I am joyful again, praise God.  I have given up on trying to get over Christos.  Every time I try to stop talking to him, it works for a little while then I end up talking to him again being happy then sad again when I realize I am not over him.  Well maybe I should stop forcing myself to get over him and just let the feelings flow freely.  If one day I get over him good but right now I can't so I will keep being his friend and stop trying to block him off.

Right now I feel that I am putting God first because I am constantly in the Word and worship music, constantly aware and praising God, I pray, and overall I feel God's approval and presence.  With Christos things are going well, he asked me to get him a Bible and that was the coolest thing I heard coming out of his mouth.  LOL.  Before he wouldn't even want to read it , now he wants to.  Praise God.

We both feel that God knew in advance that our relationship would go through ups and downs and crazy drama but there was a purpose in all of that.  Looking back, I have learned so much about myself.  Being with Christos exposes all  my weaknesses and all my strengths.  Mostly weaknesses.  But that is besides the point.  With him, I realized how I always look to people for approval and always take people's advice so seriously that I pressure myself and fear what people think.  My counselor told me through all this that I need to learn to set boundaries in my heart, and not feel pressured to be the perfect Martine that everyone wants or sees me as.

I also learned more about what God is like.  I love Christos even though his past is a very broken one filled with mistakes and regrets.  I love him even though I know he hurt me and I forgive him totally.  I see him as Christos, not the guy who broke my heart.  In the same way, God sees us as His children that he loves, NOT as ugly pieces of crap who broke his heart.  He forgives us and loves us unconditionally, just like I love Christos unconditionally.

 I know now that Christos does love me, that he does care.  Sometimes he may not express it the way I want him to, or he may be doing stuff that I don't like, but he doesn't mean to hurt me.

On another note, I am also happy because many new people have been coming to lifegroup and outreach is going well.  I can see God working in people's hearts, how God uses prayer and care from church friends to help those going through hard times.

Also I am happy because I went shopping LOL.  Didn't go shopping in so long and I got some Giant Tiger store's deals.  People say I look different now, thanks to Thuy's makeup :) Thanks Thuy :)  I feel like a real woman now. LOL.

School is going alright but I am very behind in readings.  I tend to put people ahead of myself and there is so many people who need my care.  God is working through me though, I can feel it.  And thank God I received 2000 dollars for free for my tuition from the church!

Thanksgiving is coming and I am looking forward to times with family and church friends.  I hope everyone will have a good time.

We should all be thankful for what we have because one day it could be taken away.  My two friends right now are in the hospital for mental illness and basically when you end up in the hospital like that it feels like your life is taken away.  Please pray for them.  Also Gloria's boyfriend, this year some of his friends got shot to death.  And knowing that, I feel I should be even more conscious of spending time with people in my family and friends.  Time is short, enjoy every moment, stop crying and start singing :)