I don't say this enough...

I LOVE YOU, JESUS!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

Only God will understand

Feelings and memories

I actually debated whether I should write this post... I mean, I already started a habit of blogging more than once a day, which is a lot compared to in the past... Also, it risks to be a very sentimental post.

After Preaching class today, Bill drove me home in the snow.  I still remember that night when me, Christos, Gloria, William, and Chris went out to see that movie about the mafia and the truck driving (seriously I don't even remember the movie title) and when it was time to come home it was really snowing and the road signs were even covered with snow.  We managed to get to my house by 11:30pm which was my curfew and I said good night, gave a kiss or two (I think it was two) and left.  Anyways, driving home in the snow with Bill reminded me of that.

Bill is a nice man.  He is middle aged and he said if my parents didn't want me, he and his wife would adopt me.  He shared with me stories about his life and how God saved him and his wife.  Saved as in like salvation, like you know, converted and became Christian.  Anyways it gave me hope that God would convict my dad and that he would also become Christian just like Christ changed Bill and his wife.

When I got home I offered to shovel the snow and as I was shoveling I remembered how Christos would often go to his dad's place and help him shovel the snow.  I also remembered how Christos helped a woman who was stuck with a flat tire on the highway.  He took his spare tire, gave it to the woman and helped her put it on.  And at that time we were still together so I texted Christos telling him to tell that woman that I said hi.  He did and the woman said he should hurry on and come to see me.

Our time was short but I treasured every moment of it.  Christos was a godly man.  I told my friend Peggy that although Christos was not spiritual, he was godly.  It is not a paradox.  He displays the characteristics of a godly man, like he is forgiving, generous, kind, sweet, all around loving and willing to bear with anything.  He is strong, both in his heart and in strength, he is accepting, supportive, caring... as I write this a tear rolls down my cheek.  I miss him.

Where did I go wrong?  Is he thinking of me?

After the counseling appointment

I talked with Karen the counselor and it sort of helped me to think about things.  I told her how I have trouble making my own decisions, I always look for others' opinions and especially my parents' opinions influence me a lot.  Living in a controlled environment at home makes me feel like a submissive dog, that's what I told her.  She said that I need to respect my parents while being assertive and that means repeating myself multiple times.

I want to eventually be friends with Christos again but I feel right now is not the time.  I need to let both of us cool down and also I need to be asserting myself to my family.  I mean, my mom, after I repeated myself several times, she said I could contact Christos but not see him so at least that's better than no contact.  But with my dad I was scared and I was like a submissive dog and I couldn't bring myself to assert myself to him saying I want to be Christos' friend because I felt like I hurt my dad too much in the past and if I try to assert myself he will think I'm rebelling and then he will call me a hypocritical Christian and all that.

I need to work on boundaries, and I should read the Boundaries book as soon as I can, like seriously my life is becoming so controlled it's like I am not in charge of my own life anymore, I am barely surviving just doing what everyone expects me to do.  Right now the decision to not contact Christos is my own, though, because I feel that if I am friends with him right now he will want to get back with me.

But something Karen the counselor said made me have a little hope.  She said when she married her husband, he was a drummer and then after they got married somehow he ended up in Bible college and became a pastor.  So you don't know what's going to happen in the future and I can't just write off Christos even though he says he is not going to Montreal.  Yes, it gives me a little bit of hope that I can still be with him long term but right now I am not counting on it because I can't force Christos to come to Montreal and I don't want him to do so just because of me.  First of all I am hoping that he can build his faith in Christ... but for that I'm thinking it would be good if he came to church... but for that I would have to see him... would it be bad if I saw him only at church?

Karen said if I am friends with Christos I need to make boundaries like for example don't talk every day, lets say only three times a week, don't hug, don't talk about personal feelings, etc.  I want him to come to church but I don't want him to come to church just to see me or end up having hurt feelings because he can't have me.  You know what I mean?

My prayer for Christos

Dear God,

After watching Charis' video for the second time, I felt I could relate to a lot of what she said.  Many times in my life I tried to find satisfaction and love in guys and it led me to mess after mess.  You were there through it all just waiting for me to turn to You first for complete satisfaction and never-ending love.  You patiently waited for me to stop being so impatient, jumping into relationship after relationship.  I didn't do a great job at all in terms of waiting, but You never stopped loving me even though You had every right to say, "I told you so".  You always wrapped Your arms around me after every breakup and hugged me tight, and helped me to get back on my feet.  You always gave me another chance to start my life again, free from my past.

After watching her video, I feel that I need to shift my perspective and pray a selfless prayer for Christos.  No longer will I pray that I can be with him, because maybe that is not Your will.  Instead, I will pray for the best of Your blessing upon him.

God, You know I love Christos, but he is not mine, he is Yours. You knew him before he was born.  You know him best.  You want the best for him.  So I need to learn to love him with Your kind of love, and that might just mean praying that Your will be done, even if that means I will not be with him.

God, I pray for Christos first of all that he comes to know You deeply and personally.  Let him feel Your love surround him.  Help him to understand Your forgiveness, grace, and sacrifice.  Help him to develop a close relationship with You.  Help Christos to know the truth from Your Word, and walk with You each day.  Transform his prayer life, help him to become a strong man of God.  I know this will be for his own good.

Secondly, I pray that if it is Your will, that You provide the right woman in his life that will love him more than what I am able to.  I pray that You help him find a godly woman who is just right for him and will be the right match for him.  Help him to find this woman at the right time, and help him to be able to grow together with this woman, and that together, their dreams would come true and can be shared.

I pray that Christos can let me go, because it would be selfish of me to want to hold onto him and want him to hold onto me.  I pray that Christos can completely let me go and learn to hold onto You first as the One who loves him most.  I pray that Christos can let go also of any resentment against my parents or friends, if there is any.  I pray that he can let go of any anger or bitterness towards anyone in general, whether it is You, or other people.

If there is any anger left, I pray that You make it a righteous anger, which means, anger towards sin.  I pray that Christos will no longer have the feeling of wrath, but have the power of the transformative Holy Spirit within him that breaks more of Satan's barriers than a sword can.  I pray that Christos can become stronger in faith and stronger in Your love.

I pray the best for Christos.  While I'm at it, I pray the best for all the guys I ever loved.  I pray that all of them will follow Your perfect will, because Your plans are always the best, and You know each step before we take it.  Direct our paths, Lord, and help us to walk with You.

God, thank You for bringing Christos in my life.  In many ways I felt Your love when I was with him.  But I know now that I must learn to stand on my own, and cling onto You directly, not through a guy.  I need to learn to be free without having to use a guy as a means of freedom.  And I don't know if this is Your will or not God, but if You want, I pray that Christos can read this and know that I still really, really care about him.  I will never stop caring about him, and I will learn to love him in a different way from now on.  I will learn to love him the way You want me to love him, not as I want.  God, please guide us.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBdmpvPa73g&feature=share&list=LL_s6SdryOGjTzazMqW0QFTA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAeDwQXI2fQ&feature=share&list=LL_s6SdryOGjTzazMqW0QFTA

Jesus reaches out His hand

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
 Matthew 11:28

Il te tend la main ("He reaches out his hand to you")

by Luc Dumont (translation by Martine)

Even though for a long time,
You refused to talk to Him
Jesus knows how you feel
He is still ready to start again

Even if thousands of times
His gaze you avoided
Anguished, torn, tormented,
Living in guilt

CHORUS:
He reaches out his hand to you once again
Opens up a path to you, gives you the choice,
He reaches out his hand to you once again,
Jesus would love to hold you in his arms,
He reaches out his hand to you once again,
Jesus would love to help you restart your faith


Even if you have rejected
this tender voice that never ceases to call
This voice can still direct you
Whisper to your ear that you are forgiven

Do not worry for tomorrow
He holds in His hand the key to your destiny
Let Him show His greatness
He will fill the void in your heart with love.

---------------------------------------------------------


The past few days have been very difficult for me.  Many things were going through my mind, it was really hard even to pray.  My heart was heavy, I was extremely depressed.  I lost motivation in everything, wanted to quit school, quit church ministry, quit everything, quit life.  I was down on myself because I knew I messed up.  I wanted to cry but I felt like no tears came, probably because the bipolar medicine numbed me.  It was hard to take care of the kids at church, I had to try to force myself to stop thinking and just focus on the task at hand.

To make a long story short, today Ying encouraged me to spend some time with God.  When I got home after church I was still depressed but something told me to listen to my CD.  I knelt down on my knees beside my bed and just listened to the CD.  I started crying and imagining myself holding onto Christos. I really wished that I could still be with him. Then, slowly, I let go, and I imagined myself holding on to Jesus.  Jesus clung onto me tightly.  I had to let go of Christos to hold on to Jesus.  And I felt Jesus comforting me.

Throughout this whole thing, I think I was depressed because I had trouble forgiving myself and I also was focusing on my wrongdoing instead of focusing on Jesus. I was living in guilt and regret.  But Jesus wants to set us free.  Jesus wants us to live in freedom, in His love.  I am forgiven.  It's time I start to live again like a free person.

I know Christos thinks I didn't do anything wrong but I know I did.  If I was more self-controlled, didnt stay out with him until 3am, and didnt tell him that I liked him, then none of this would have happened, I would have still been able to hang out with him as a friend.  Its not even my parents fault, its my fault.  Its not just the 3am thing and starting the relationship that is the problem.  I was selfish, I wasnt thinking of the long term consequences of starting the relationship.  I did it because I was happy.  I was just thinking about my happiness.  That was selfish.

True freedom is found in Jesus Christ.  But over and over again, in my life I had tried to find the freedom through boyfriends.  Christos has a lot of good qualities, but since we cannot marry each other, it is wrong to have a short term relationship.  In the end we would have to break up anyway and it would hurt more if we had that intimacy.  I mean, just look at the hurt I caused now.  If we dated even longer, it would hurt even more in the end.  The best thing would have been just to stay friends.

But right now because of what I've done we can't even be friends.  Even being friends would hurt because we would want the other person so badly and have to act like normal friends even though that is not how we feel.

My dad made me promise not to contact him again.  My mom said I could contact him but not see him for another year.  But I am making my own decision too not to contact him.  I can't hurt him anymore.  I can't keep on giving him hope that we could get back together.  It hurts not being able to talk to him even as a friend, and I know it hurts him too, but it would hurt more if I kept on talking to him and giving him hope that we could get back together.

I really want for Christos to get a closer relationship with Jesus.  That is my greatest wish for him.  I really hope he can come to church, but only if it doesn't make him more sad to see me.  I am conflicted.  On one hand I feel it is best that I don't see him so that we can both get over each other, but on the other hand I want him to come to church.  May God's will be done... I'll leave it in God's hands.

I also leave in God's hands the future, whether we can end up friends again.  I also leave in God's hands my future.  I have made many plans that have failed (turns out I'm not qualified for summer intern position for outreach at Grace, so I don't know what to do anymore).

I leave Christos in God's hands.  I know that He will take good care of him.

And I gotta trust God, that I can carry on my studies, my responsibilities, with my relationship with my family and everything else...

I got to let God's love fill the void in my heart.

I will start again.  I will put my hope in God.

In a desert land he found him,
    in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
    he guarded him as the apple of his eye

Deuteronomy 32:10

Lord please redeem the mess I've made

God, I give you full control of my life right now
Forgive me of my sin
I need you to redeem the mess I've made
Repair hearts
Bring about reconciliation
May Your will be done