Quotes I wanna remember...

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
Lao Tzu

Life flows like water. So if someone or something you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it

Thanks to DB for these quotes.

Whispers from a broken heart made whole...

A lot of changes/things to handle at once... Pastor Fiona just told me she's going back to California, and she doesn't know when she will be back. I wasn't too shocked, I mean, I knew it was gonna happen that she would have to go home someday when her visa would be fixed, but I guess I've gotten to know her so much and looked to her as a role model, it's hard to imagine what would happen when she's gone and I will have another mentor. (yet again, always switching mentors)

She said I could of course still contact her, stay in touch. I guess that's good. Anyway, thats one of the changes.

Christmas is here. It's hard when things that I used to like so much end up reminding me of guys that I had to break up with. For instance, I LOVE sparkly decorations and sparkly anything in general. But because I shared this with Adrian and he used to always remember how much I loved sparkly stuff, now whenever I see sparkly decorations I will remember Adrian. I spent a lot of Christmas time with Adrian last year. We went out to dinner with his parents and I had my first lobster bisque soup there at that dinner place. We also had sushi buffet with his friends and also once when we were at Eaton centre together, we happened to see the Canadian Tenors sing. So Christmas was a big deal last year, and this year, I can't help but miss him at least a bit.

And then throw Sam Sham into the mix. My favourite colour is purple and same with him. Now whenever I wear purple I will remember him. I can't even wear my favourite colour without thinking about this guy and how he would have appreciated the colours that matched.

Jonathan. Why do I have to deal with three guys at once? I think the reason why I love Jonathan is because he loves missions and he loves the Lord Jesus a lot. It's something that I admired in Sam except that Sam didn't love missions. So I guess that makes me want Jon even more because he loves both. I don't know. But honestly, last week Jon was like a boyfriend to me, always inviting me out and initiating contact, something that Sam didn't do. So I guess you can say I love Jon for the things Sam didn't give me.

I'm so messed up.

On the positive side, I realize that even if I walk this path of life as a single, it doesn't mean that I'm alone. God is with me and so is my best friend Thuy. :) And other friends too. I appreciate female friends more now that I realize all the guy trouble I had to deal with stemming from being too close to guys.

Although my heart is broken and broken again even before being made whole from the first time, I thing it is also whole because God fills me with love and peace. It's really true. Next year I still have a lot to look forward to even though I might not be going to Tyndale.

My exams are coming soon and I feel like I might fail them. But I will try my best to study, give it my all... and next semester will be a better semester, I'm sure. It takes time to heal.

Although I sometimes feel like I'm ok on my own, the truth is, everyone deep down wants someone special to share life with, intimacy with someone that they can share their life with. For me, I shared my heart with way too many guys, I don't know if there's anything special left to give to the real "one" who was supposed to be my future husband. I am so loose, so giving, so fast-loving, that I really don't know how to protect my own heart.

For some reason I really wish that Jonathan was the one for me. Why, I don't know. Maybe you can say I'm really desperate, even though I don't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to keep looking anymore. I wish things were easier. That love was easier... maybe.

It's been 6 breakups already. You can say I'm a wreck. I'm a very broken person, that's what I told Sam. I haven't even healed from Adrian and I had another breakup with Sam and then another semi-break with Jon, even though Jon didn't even know I liked him. I don't know. I think I don't know myself well enough. Otherwise this pattern would have stopped a long time ago.

Like it was revealed to me a while back now (I keep forgetting), I have trouble being patient. That's why a day seems so long to me, cuz I'm not patient. That's why every time Jonathan pops up on gmail, I cannot resist but talk to him... I have trouble being patient. That's why I was so upset when Pastor Ray was suggesting I don't go to Tyndale right away.

Good things come to those who wait (is that the expression?)..

I still haven't figured out how fate and free will intermingle when it comes to dating.

Today I missed Jonathan so much it kind of hurt a little. I love so hard... I love so fast... so deeply.

Only time can tell. That's what Jon told me when it comes to what God's plan is. Only time can tell. Not feelings, not a voice, not anything but time. Interesting. I miss him already.

I'm pretty tired. This medicine keeps changing its effects on me. My life keeps changing on me. I hope we have a merry Christmas. :) And a Happy New Year. Friends for life...< 3

I honestly believe that as a result of [bipolar disorder] I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty and seeing things through. …Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster and loved faster than most I know."

Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind



I MISS JONATHAN WONG!!! :S I don't know why i love/miss him so much...

This song pretty much "answers" all the questions from last post...

A quote I took from a music video of "Pray" by Justin Bieber... the only thing I liked about the song to be honest...

"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." :) I like that.

Questions I wanna ask God (uncensored)...

What in the world am i supposed to do next year????
Am I supposed to stay single for life????
Who did I not forgive yet?
In what ways have I not healed yet from past hurts/boys/work-related issues?
What does it really mean to be prepared/ready for seminary?
What is faith anyways???
Is it possible that you are coming back in my lifetime??? Am I supposed to change my lifestyle as a result?
Why is my heart still breaking?
Why am I in love with like 3 guys at once?
Who do I really want? What do I really want???
If I want what you want, God, then what the hell does that mean anymore?
What do YOU want?
Am I so crazy that I cannot hear your voice clearly? Why is it that when I thought you said one thing, something seems to always correct it?
maybe I assume you say one thing but You and I are not on the same page???
Is this supposed to be a test?
What is the test, exactly?
Is the test supposed to be that I don't know? thats why I'm supposed to trust You more?
Am I not patient enough, is that why?
Why do I feel like I don't care about being a pastor in Montreal anymore?
Why do I feel like I don't care what is going to happen in the future anymore? I must be sick of caring about the future, aren't I?
Why do I feel like my dreams aren't that important anymore?
is it because I think others can accomplish them, that You don't need me anymore?
Why do I feel like my exams aren't important? I don't feel like doing them anymore.
Why do I feel like every time a guy likes me, it doesn't work out, and every time I find a guy that I like, it doesnt work out either?
Why do I not care anymore that it didn't work out?
Am I supposed to get off OsAP and become dirt poor or stay on OSAP and die from stress?
Did I not pray enough or something this week?
If I'm supposed to fast, what am I supposed to fast from and what am I even supposed to fast about?
Am I supposed to cancel next Tues. meeting?
How the heck am I suposed to heal when everything reminds me of Adrian?
How the heck was I supposed to heal when everything reminded me of Sam?
Why was Jonathan Wong so damn nice to me when he didn't even like me or want a relationship with me?
Why is work so tiring?
Why are my knees hurting?
Why am I even asking these questions anyway, what's the point?
Am I angry with you, God?
Am I angry with others?
Why did I want to go to Montreal so badly, now I don't even know if I wanna go anymore? But then again, all I want is to be up that mountain looking down, cuz that's how I think I will figure out my life, is that true though?
Do my dreams and future depend on who I love more?
Does that mean right now I don't love anybody? THat doesn't make sense.
I'm kind of tired of asking questions...
I don't even know if I want the answers anymore.
But I know you are there God to listen and I'm grateful.

Last thing I will post before I stop most of my online communication (or at least limit it a lot more):



Hope it inspired you!